Wanting More: Always Getting Less

In life you are always told that if you work hard good things will come your way.  That is not always the case.  No matter how hard you work, there is still a good chance of never getting what you really want.  There is always someone better than you.  Someone prettier than you.  Someone smarter than you. 

Sometimes you cut corners just to save face.  Even if you really don’t want to.  It is a everyone for themselves world.  Sure I might sound a little bitter, but who hasn't.  Sometimes that is the only way to survive. 

My name is Ksenya James and here is my story.  Please listen closely and you just may learn a few things.

I thought I knew it all and no one could tell me shit.  Not my teachers and damn sure not my parents.  I constantly pushed my mother's buttons to the breaking point.  It got so bad one night, she nearly beat me to one inch of my life.  That is when I knew it was time to go.  Here I was a 16 year old know it all and completely on my own.  I talked my best friend, Pammie, into letting me crash a few days in her room without telling her mama.  She agreed on one condition:  I had to let me parents know that I was okay. 

I had a job and few bucks saved in my bank account.  All I needed was to find a place to stay that I could afford.  That should be the easy part (yeah right).  Every place I looked at wanted first and last months rent.  I had that but that was all I had.  I moved into the cheapest place I could find.  The roaches and rats came with the place for free. 

After I got settled into my new place, I headed off to work.  I worked in a warehouse doing inventory after school.  They were open 24 hours 7 days a week, so there were always different shifts available.  My boss, Reza, had a crush on me so I would flirt with him from time to time.  He was married and harmless.  When I put in a change of address, I gave him the cliff notes on why I moved out.  He said he was not surprised given the attitude I have.  I said, "What attitude? That is just me".

Reza invited himself over to my place, on the pretense of wanting to make sure that it was a safe neighborhood.  I didn't think anything of it, so I let him take me home.  I gave him the grand tour of my one bedroom and asked him if he wanted something to drink.  I only had a can soda and some bottled water.  He declined, but thanked me for the offer.  Well it was late and I had a big weekend planned. 

As he headed for the door, he kissed me on the mouth.  At first, I was stunned, then, I pulled him in for a real kiss.  He pulled away.  I pulled him back letting him know that I was okay with kissing him.  He was the only adult in my life that I truly trusted right now.  We sat down on my fold out couch and continued kissing.  His lips were so soft.  He put his left hand inside my top and pinched my left breast.  He asked if I was okay with him doing that.  It felt good and I told him to keep doing it.  He moved his mouth down to my breast and ran his tongue over my hard nipples.  He took his time pleasuring me with his tongue.  He stopped and asked If I wanted to go further.  He knew I was a virgin, and he wanted to make sure I really wanted to go all the way with him.  If I wanted him to go, he would. 

I wanted him to be my first and I knew I wanted it to be now.  I didn't care that he was married with kids.  I wanted this to be about me and only me.  I lit some candles to get the mood like I wanted it.  I sat back down on the fold out couch and started kissing him.  I raised his arms up and took off his shirt.  I could tell he worked out a bit, as I ran my fingers across his completely hairless chest.  His shoes and socks were already on the floor, and the only thing left to do was take off his pants.  I wanted to see how big his cock really was.  It looked pretty big through his pants.  He always had a hard-on at work.  I don’t think he knew I noticed it.  He sure was packing a monster cock, and damn it was thick. 

As I kneeled down, he grabbed my arm and stopped me.  He wanted to see the rest of my body.  He sat me back on the bed and slowly pulled off my jeans.  It just so happens I wasn't wearing any underwear because I hadn’t done my laundry.  He placed a pillow behind my head, making sure I was comfortable.  He made his way back down to the lower part of my body.  He opened up my legs, like a flower in bloom.  He took his right index finger, and he gently began to rub my clit.  Fuck that felt good.  He took his finger off and replaced it with his tongue.  I let out a big scream, as I had not felt anything like it before in my life.  It felt amazing, and I begged him to continue.  I accidently closed my legs on his head a few times.

He took his left index finger and middle finger, placing them inside my tight wet pussy.  I begged for more as his tongue was running circles over my clit.  He pulled his two fingers out, spread my legs wider, and inserted his tongue into my pussy.  As his tongue went in and out of my pussy, I couldn't help but beg for more.  He was just getting my pussy ready to take his big cock. 

I have to admit I was a bit scared because it was so big.  I knew that he would not hurt me on purpose, and take it as slowly as I needed him to.

He was ready to introduce my pussy to his cock, and asked if I was still okay with going all the way.  I was very ready and I didn't want to wait a minute longer.  I asked, "Where is your condom"?  He told me that he had a vasectomy a few years back and we didn't need one.  I didn't question it at all because I trusted him. 

He came back up and kissed me on the mouth.  I could taste my pussy on his lips, and it didn't bother me.  As he was kissing me, he opened my legs wider.  He guided the tip of his big thick cock into my tight pussy.  He licked his fingers with a massive amount of saliva, and he put it on his cock.  My pussy was so tight, and he was so gentle with me.  He eased in his big cock head, making sure I was okay with every inch.  It hurt like hell, but felt so good at the same time .  I keep thinking how is this possible.  He continued to ease his cock in and my pussy began taking in more inches.  It felt fucking awesome and I wanted more.  He made damn sure I felt every inch too.  I opened my legs wider, grabbed his ass, and pushed him inside me deeper. 

As we both were about to climax, he asked me, "Where did I want him to cum?"  I wanted every last drop inside my pussy, and told him so.

All I could say was shit.  I didn't know that sex would feel this good.  You always hear horror stories about how you bleed, and about how much it hurts your first time.  You hardly ever hear about how good it should be.  You always hear that your first time should be with someone you care about so that it is special.  Nobody ever tells you that sometimes your first time will suck. That you won’t enjoy it.  That it may ruin your perception of sex. 

I was glad I chose him to be my first.  He took excellent care of me and made me feel so special.

As he was putting his clothes back on, I told him that I did not want things to be weird for us at work.  I knew his family and I did not want to be a home wrecker.  We both agreed to never speak of this night again. 

Back at school, Pammie took one look at me and said, "You had sex this weekend".  I tried to play it off, but she knew.  She said I smelled of fresh sex.  What the hell does that mean? She said that I gave off the scent of no longer being a virgin.  She knew that scent well.  I confirmed that she was right, but I refused to give her any details.  With everything that was going on with my parents, she gave me a pass.  However, she warned that she would get the details eventually.   

It had been a few months since I had seen my parents.  I decided to stop by and check in with them.  I could not get through the door quick enough before my mother planted a big hug and kiss on me.  We had our differences, but the love we have for one another was never a question.  I updated them on my life and how things were going.  I was still in school and still working.  I knew my mother would kill me if I had dropped out of school.  I thanked them for not dragging me home and letting me be an adult so to speak.  They both had taught me a lot about how to take care of myself and I was doing it.  We all knew that we could no longer live together and this was the best situation for everyone involved.  Yes, I am 16 years old, but this needed to happen in order for us to all come out of it alive.  I agreed to stay in better touch with my parents and come to them without hesitation should I need some help.  I had to cut the visit short as I needed to get to work.  I kissed my mom on the forehead and told her I would be back on Saturday so we could hang out.

I arrived at work and immediately bumped into Reza.  He wanted to talk to me before my shift started.  We went into his office, and he locked the door behind us.  He told me that I have been on his mind since the last time we were together.  I was confussed.  I thought we were never going to mention that night again.  He got out of his chair and walked towards me and leaned in to kiss me on my lips.  I immediately jumped back and said, "This was a one time thing".  I thought we were in agreement with that.  Reza admitted that he did not feel that way anymore.  He could not stop thinking about me, and he wanted me badly.  He told me to think about it and let him know.  The ball was now in my court to decide if this went any further.  I left his office and clocked in for work. 

I called Pammie to talk, but only got her voicemail.  I had a decision to make and I needed to talk to her. 

After my shift was over, I avoided going by Reza's office and headed home.

I still could not get a hold of Pammie, so I decided to go over my options with my bathroom mirror.  There was a part of me that wanted to continue sleeping with Reza.  However, his life also came with a lot of drama.  He had a wife and two kids and I knew them.  How could I break up a family and live with myself.  This was the question that continued to run through my mind.  On the other hand, we could have some fun on the side and no one would know. 

I sent Reza a text that I had made a decision and we would discuss everything tomorrow.  Twenty minutes later, there was a knock at my door.  It was almost 10pm and I wondered who could be at the door.  I put my robe on and looked through the peep hole.  It was Reza.  I unlocked the door and let him in.  He said he got my text and he wanted to talk now instead of tomorrow.  I told him that I was leaning towards continuing this relationship, however, my concern was for his wife and kids.  He told I did not need to worry about that.  He would make sure his wife never found out and he would keep our lives separate from his married one.  He said he would pay the rent and utilities at my place and this would be our hideaway from the world.  He said he would do anything and everything to be with me.  I told him that if his wife ever found out, that we were over.  We sealed the deal with a kiss.  Much to his surprise I told him he had to leave.  I had to be at school early and I needed some sleep.  He was disappointed, but he understood.  One last kiss and I pushed him out the door, telling him that I would see him tomorrow at work.

I arrrived at school, but Pammie was no where to be found.  I called her cell again and it went straight to voicemail again. Where was she?  It was not like her not to call me back.  I kept trying her phone though out the day but still got voicemail.  I headed over to her house to see what was going on. 

Arriving at Pammie's house, two police cars were parked in the driveway.  I ran into the house demanding to know what the hell was going on.  As one policeman held me back, Pammie's mother, Jessie, blurted out that Pammie was missing.  No one has seen her since yesterday at school.  She never made it home.  I informed the police that I last saw her at 3 pm right after school.  She said she was headed home to start her homework.  Her car was missing and her phone was going straight to voicemail. 

At this time, the police were investigating this as a missing persons case nothing more.  I provided them my cell phone number to contact me with any questions they may have.  I also requested that they keep me in the loop as to what they find out. 

I stayed a few hours with Jessie just holding her hand.  I refuse to believe that anything bad has happened to Pammie.  However, I kept thinking, "Where the hell are you?".  It was so out of character for Pammie.  She never missed a curfew, and she would not let her mother worry about her like this.  It was time for me to go to work, so I told Jessie to contact me as soon as she heard anything about Pammie.

I arrived at work so upset that I could not even concentrate.  I knocked on the door of Reza's office, and told him that I needed the night off from work.  He could see that I was shaking and he asked if there was anything he could do to help. I told him no and thanked him for letting me off.  He asked if I was okay to drive myself home and I told him I was. 

Arriving home, I took off my work clothes and decided to take a bubble bath.  I really needed to relax and unwind.  I lit the wick of my tea lite candle and poured the rest of  my favorite scent, "Do Me Right Now" into the oil burner.  I turned on the hot and cold water to get the right mix of warm.  Once I did, I dropped in a few bubble bath balls.  As my tub started to fill up with bubbles, I got in.  Awwww it felt amazing.  The bubbles covered my entire body.  I wish I could stay like this forever. 

Snapping back to reality, my attention turned back to Pammie.  There were still no leads and no clues as to what has happened to her.  I tried to think back to our last conversation, to see if there was a clue or something that would tell me where she would have gone.  I did not want to admit it, but I was worried. 

It was getting late and I had an early morning ahead of me.  I washed my body, and cleared my mind of negative thoughts. As I put my pjs on and hopped into my fold out couch, I wished to wake up with news of Pammie's safe return.

Today was Day 3 and Pammie was still missing.  I went to school  but my mind was not really there.  I left before 2nd period even ended.  I called Pammie's cell again and this time I got the voicemail is full message.  I just did not understand why no one had heard from her.  This could mean only one thing: Pammie was dead.  I did not want to believe it but nothing else made sense at this point.

As I was headed home, my phone rang.  It was Jessie.  She wanted me to get over to the house asap.  As I made my way over there, I still had hope for good news.

As I arrived at the house, I was greeted by police cars outside the house.  I thought to myself, "They found Pammie and she is okay".  However, that would not be the case.  As I slowly walked up the three step porch, I heard Jessie screaming, "Not my baby, Not my baby".  I collasped right their at the door.  Pammie was gone.  Life as I knew it was over.  My best friend was dead.  How could someone do this to her and why.  She never hurt a living soul. 

I tried my best to comfort Jessie, but this shit hurt big time.  In the back of mind, I always thought we would find her safe and sound, but this is unbareable.  I wanted to know everything.  Where did they find her?  Did they find her car? Her cellphone? Do they have any leads on who did this to her?  The only thing the police would tell me is that a gentleman digging for cans in a dumpster found her body.  This was all the information they had right now until after the medical examiner did his report. 

Word spreaded around town that Pammie's body had been found. Neighbors started arriving at the house to check on Jessie and Allen. I could not stand to be in the house a minute longer and I bolted. I headed to work in search of Reza. He was alone in his office and I ran into his arms. I could not contain myself and I broke down. The only words I could get out were "she's gone".
He held me tight and said "Everything was going to be okay". I found that hard to believe at this very moment. I needed to tell my parents about Pammie. Reza did not want me to be alone. I told him I would be staying with my parents for a few days.

Reza's wife walked into his office just as our lips were about to touch. He quickly grabbed the tissue box off his desk so I could wipe my face.

He explained that he was comforting me as l just got word that my best friend was found murdered. She offered her condolences and told me she was here for me should I need anything. I thanked her and told her I needed to head over to my parents house. They loved Pammie like a daughter and they were going to be devastated.

I arrived at my parents house and I barely made it up the stairs. My mother greeted me at the door and asked why I was not in school. I told her I left early because I could not concentrate on my school work.

I asked if Daddy was home and she said "Yes" I told her that I needed to speak with them both. As I walked into the front door I gave her a big hug and kiss.
As mommy and daddy sat on the couch waiting for me to speak no words would come out my mouth. I gathered as much strength as I could and said "Pammie's gone" and fell to my knees.

My parents rushed to me and just held me tight. I completely broke down. Telling my parents about Pammie was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

I asked my parents if it was okay if I stayed with them for a few days. They actually insisted that I stay longer.

I told my parents that right now all the police knew for sure was that Pammie was dead. There were no leads, and hopefully we would know more once the autopsy was completed. Her parents were completely devastated which is to be expected. All they want to know is what happened to their baby. She was their only child and that makes this situation even more devastating.

I still did not understand who could do this to Pammie. Everyone loved her or so we thought. It just breaks my heart that I will never see or talk to my best friend ever again.

I held on tight to my mommy and did not let go. I wanted her to make everything alright but I knew she could not.

I slept in my old room, as my parents left it exactly like I left it. I told my mommy I did not want to be alone and asked her to stay with me until I fell asleep. She jumped into bed with me and held me tight. I fell asleep in her arms, crying for my best friend.