Just a Stream of Thoughts

Whenever I get to a point where I just can't deal with anything anymore I sit down and write down my thoughts.  It's just a way to get them all out and to process them in the process.  Later it's weird to read through them so I thought I'd share them with someone.  *Note: these are thoughts so yes, at points a different thought comes through and I go off in another direction so be prepared....

(the ---- is my name that i blanked out)


idk how i feel about anything anymore
         do i like jcrazed?
         do i like my roomie?
                   NO!
         am i gonna make friends here?
                   it's been pretty lonely
                   i need to get out more
people seem to reject me
         or am i rejecting them?
         why do i always push people away?
         i'm too critical of myself
                   ugly
                   fat
                   stupid
                   unloveable
                             why do i diss on myself so much?
                             i don't want to me me
                                       nobody likes -----
it's a persona
         nobody likes ----
                   but people like Hawks
                   people like Larry
                             should i introduce myself as hawks?
                                       yes? no?
                                       would it be childish?
         but ppl call jcrazed crazed
                   not jon or johnny...
                   should i just be hawks?
but i want someone to like me as me
         but how do you expect others to like you
                   when even you dont like yourself?
most people have found their 'identity'
         i havent
                   who am i?
                             really...
                   what am i?
         i mix personas
                   -----
                   Hawks
                   Larry
                   Lori
                   Rissa...
                             each name has a persona
                                       is that MPD?
                                                 i dont think so
         i need to pick a persona...
                   but they're all flawed
                             Hawks -- swears
                             Larry -- immature
                             ----- -- stick in the mud
                             Rissa -- too proper
         i hate myself
                   im a loser
                             a freak
                             a failure
i attack the world
         to
                   watch
                             it
                                       burn...
i push myself too far
         i drink alcohol
         i drink nos
         i eat crap
         i swear
         i dont sleep
         i dont talk
                   i want out
                             but i dont want to die
                                       because...
there is so much to live for
         i have never had a bf
         i have never kissed
         i have never been on a true 'date'
         i have never done things most people have
so yeah i drink
         to get wasted
                   i dont care
                             as long as
                                       it takes away
                                                 the pain
                                                 suffering
everyone always pushes me away
         in the end
                   i assume its because im
                             fat
                             ugly
                             mean
                             vulgar
                             stupid
                             gross
                             repulsive
i just want to cry myself to sleep
sometimes i just want to die
         die.
do i really like jcrazed?
         i think i do
                   but why?
                   he's
                             Asian/Hmong
                             gamer
                             drinker/party goer
                             funny
                             Army strong
                                       flawed
                                       but we all are
                             full of advice
                                       about everything
                                                 a dress? seriously?
except he's leaving?
         will i miss him?
                   i never see him anyways
                   except i like him
did zeus tell him?
         that i liked him?
                   or was z just bluffing?
                             he's a cool guy so idk...
zeus carried me to his sister's room
         after i KO'd
         he protected me
                   "anybody messes with you, you tell me"
                   i was drunk
                             but nobody took advantage
                                       kinda wish jcrazed had
                                                 is that wrong?
                                                           idk.


it's a cool idea also to get into character when writing, to think like them and right down those thoughts and review them.  idk.