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excerpt of a story my sister wrote she would like some constructive criticism. |
The sweat drips continuously down my face. I scramble madly to scrub the drops from my brow, and upper lip. His fingers linger above my neck. His eyes red as blood, was he hungry. Hungry for blood, would I leave whole? Would he? His eyes flash. His nostrils flare. It takes hold of my hand pulling me down farther into death’s waiting arms. I slip, falling into deceiving darkness. Later that morning… Nicole! Do you smell it? Can you see it? No! Don’t let it get away. It’s moving too fast. Zane, find it! The trees move brushing the side of her snow white coat. Snarling she corners it, with its blood shot eyes it hisses sadistically, “You’ll never find him; if you do it will be too late.” She snaps closing in there is no blood just the sound of her razor sharp k9’s biting through bone. Her coat showered in soot as she watches its limbs burn. Zane comes to stand next to her his charcoal gray coat dripping in blood. Slowly he shakes his head their brother is dead. ❶ “Just get in the car, Nicole. I’m upset about Cole too, but they left a calling card. We have to go,” Zane stated. Giving up I got into the black Ferrari 458 Italia, with tinted windows. “Zane, where are we going?” “Sarasota, Michigan it’s right on the tip where the two lakes meet. We’re going to be living there for a while. Here are your transcripts were going to high school,” Zane said with a seductive smile. “Gosh, Zane can’t you spare at least one town. Try not to break too many girls’ pretty little hearts,” I said sarcastically. The town of Sarasota was small. Full of tree’s gloomy at times and sunny at others. I felt like I didn’t belong. Everyone knew each other. I could feel their stares as we drove through town. Zane seemed unfazed, but this was how it always is. We’re always new and we only stay long enough to catch whoever we’re after. There were vamps in town, a whole clan by the smell of it. This means there’s an entire pack to balance them out. Chances are Zane and I would go to school with a few of them. “Nicole you need a car,” Zane says pulling me away from my thoughts. “You’re right I do need a car,” I said just as we pull up to our new house. We sat in the car for a while as we took in what looked like a ranch house, two floors almost the entire back was made of glass windows, and you could see the stone chimney as it rose from the basement up through the deck on the back of the house. The house had somewhat of a log cabin feel, but bigger. “Ok, why don’t you go upstairs and sleep there’s no school tomorrow,” Zane mumbled, as he rubbed his eyes. I did as I was told marching through the front door, right up the beautifully carved wooden stairs. When I got upstairs in my room I flopped down onto the bed like a true animal. I highly doubted I would be dreaming tonight. My phone rang at exactly seven o’clock the next morning. “Zane,” I grumbled into the phone. “Drag your sorry butt out of bed, and meet me at the diner in town,” he stated in his brutally honest tone, “don’t be afraid to stand out.” “I’m on my way sugarplum,” I said with as much sarcasm as my barely awake brain could muster. Twenty minutes later I was ready to walk out the door in my ripped skinny jeans, tank, leather jacket, and my iron fist sweets for my sweet heels. When I realized I don’t have a car! Today I was going to have to walk. Halfway into town I took off my heels and walked barefoot, my feet are killing me. I was walking through a tunnel of trees when all of a sudden everything changed. The sky turned to black and the clouds rolled in, the thunder clapped and the lightning flashed. Walking through the tree’s it felt as if the long, sinister, scheming arms were waiting to pull me into a world full of dark cascading beauty. The way the tree’s bent around each other to make an archway. The way the lighting flashed above the branches. A sudden clap of thunder caused me to realize a guy had pulled up in a ’67 ford Shelby GT500. Rolling down the window he says, “You want a ride?” “No, I’m just fine thank you,” I shot back at him the venom from the words coating my mouth. I stopped on the side of the road and so did he. This guy was not going to give up. For the first time I took a good look at the guy in the car. He had short black hair, eyes clear as ice, and his arm muscles were practically bulging from his t-shirt not to mention the tattoo on his arm. On top of all that he had a cross hanging from a chain around his neck. “Would you just leave me alone, I don’t need a ride.” I heard lightning strike a tree, but when I turned to see which tree, the half landed right next to me missing by mere inches. “Would you just get in the car there’s a storm coming,” his voice unmoved by the fact that I just escaped death. I silently complied buckling my seatbelt as he revved the engine. He pulled right into the diner where I could see Zane’s car. |