I Flipped the Switch

         I flipped the switch; not because I wanted to, but because I was told to. Sometimes, it’s because the medical facts can’t be disputed, and other times, it’s at the request of the family. Regardless, it’s never easy. And to be honest, the day it becomes easy, I’ll go back to school.

         The weeping and wailing began almost immediately, and there’s never a thing I can do about it. There are always a couple people who stare off into the distance, and whether it’s a matter of denial, avoidance, fear, or respect…they look lost. I always ask beforehand if they want to be there when I do it, and I tell them that I’ll be removing the circuit once I flip the switch. Some stay; some leave. This time, they stayed. Once I completed my duties, I left the room out of respect. And that’s difficult too. I’m a caregiver; a healer. Rarely do they ask me to stay. I’m always willing to do so, but it doesn’t happen that often.

         You never know how long it will take, but it always ends the same way – death. Respirations, pulse, blood pressure, oxygen saturation all slow down and eventually stop. Each individual is different, but sometimes there’s a “death rattle,” a gurgling sound as fluid builds up in the lungs. At other times, “guppy breathing,” a gasping pattern which is one of the tell-tale signs of impending death; and for some, a quiet non-eventful passing.

         I don’t know…I love what I do when I see patients fully recover, but it’s emotionally and physically draining sometimes. I guess I have to take the good with the bad, and be thankful for the successes, and ask for strength from God during the not-so-successful times. And it’s not that I’ve failed; it’s life…and death. We’ll all face it with family and friends, and eventually ourselves.

         Mend broken fences, take the high road, drop all the anger and lose your pride. Enjoy the life you have, and those in it. Death creeps up on us so fast, and more often than I’d care to admit, when you least expect it. You’ll never get a second chance once they’re gone. So please, before I show up to flip the switch, make sure you won’t have any regrets….