The Dragon

It was a house call out past the backend of east Jesus. It seemed to me they could of called over to Cullpepper, but apparently both those Docs were under the weather. It was a break for me on account of Dr. Styles and Leach weren’t answering their calls here in Perdy. So I got it. I don’t have no degree but I turned some calves before, let me tell you.

The price was right. When the call came with the medical emergency they talked to my girlfriend, Bonnie, and she pretended to be my receptionist. She couldn’t tell me what it was about, heifer, goat, chicken, or peacock, but she did told me the price they was gone pay, and lets just say, I said okydoke.

It was a long drive. I drove and drove and reckoned I was about as lost as a one-eyed goose in a snow storm and if the lady on the GPS hadn’t insisted I take a left turn at the next cow pasture I’m sure I’d never’d got there a’tall.

I bounced along cussin’ the GPS lady for getting’ this one here ‘bout as balled up as can be. I came to the end of the pasture and got out’a the truck and walked to a grove of Walnut trees all planted a’top each other. It was dark as wet coal and smelled like the inside of a cow’s butt.

When I came out the trees I near broke my jaw it fell so open.

This weren’t no “house-call” , this here was a “castle-call”; I found myself in front of a hoo’riffic wood gatehouse with a long rope tied next to it. I pulled down with both hands on that rope just hopin’ for the best as I saw nothin’ near close to what looked like a doorbell.

A bell rang that would wake the dead and an old man as perty as a speckled pup walked out the front door. He was all dressed in black tails and bowtie and he bowed and said,
“This way, my Lord,” in a voice like a game show host.

He led me inside the castle and through the halls and the banquet rooms and began to lead me down great wide stone stairs. The whole place smelled worse than two toms fightin’ over last weeks fishtail. My eyed begun to water.

Suddenly I heard the sound of an animal roaring in pain, and it was a sound I ain’t heard before and don’t plan ever to again!

I said, “This the McNeil castle, right?”

The man turned to face me.

“Janie and Stan McNeil?” I added quickly. “Lovely old couple got a busted water heater?”

Again came the roar, and with it a horrible stink like the south end of north bound skunk.

I backed up the stairs and I kept backing and I ran out the front and just made it over the rising drawbridge and through the trees to my truck and I beat it the hell out’a there.

I gave Bonnie what-for and we heard later something about a dragon with a bad heart. Also there was some talk around town of a skinny little babe near as naked as a boiled chicken waving her arms about over a “dragon”. I don’t know and I don’t care at this point. If I had to guess what a dragon smelt like I would say I already know and don’t need no reminding. I also know all the animal Docs in these parts are feeling poorly and I don’t feel so good myself and I am most sincerely contemplatin’ giving Bonnie the old heave-ho, but she says, nonsense, it’s just the fever talkin’