What goes on in my head

the worst possible feeling is being able to sit in one position, and stare at nothing for minutes that feel like hours. never getting bored, never looking in a new direction. my arm might hurt, but it doesnt matter. its like im frozen, like i cant move. i know i can move, if i just try hard enough, but my brain wont let my body. i feel like im not really in my body, im just someone else going through the motions of me. like im just the puppet my mind is so busy though. going through everything. the last stupid thing i said, the last hurtful thing that happened to me. thats the only thing going on in my head, the thing thats hurting me. i keep constantly reminding myself. just sitting on my floor for i dont even know how long, in this state. in my own world, it honestly feels like me, my soul isnt here. my body and my mind are two different things all together. nothing matters but what hurts. i can try to think of happy things, but i cant. i just cant let myself no matter how much i try. i just tell myself i dont deserve those happy thought. i eventually end up getting thoughts totally unrelated tot he origional problem. almost all the time about my apperance. i think thats why im so insecure and self concious. just sitting in a motionless state thinking about how ugly i am. everything about me that isnt right, all my flaws. convincing myself that they matter. convincing myself that they matter to other people, that other people notice. im positive evryone else is better than me, prettier, more loved, more successful in every way. whenever someone points out one of these flaws it kills me. because its proving that everything i thought is true. and those little comments always stick with me. its what i think when i look at myself in the mirror. im probably crazy, thinking like this probably isnt normal. all it does it break me down more than the inital damage itself did. the best way i can put it into words is just feeling like a shell. just feeling hollow and fragige and breakable, and worst of all, empty. feeling empty. i get this feeling sometimes like something is missing in my life. i have everything i thought i could ever want. it can be when im walking down the street, in my room, in the car, out with friends. i just geet this feeling that im missing something, that something isnt there and i can never figure out what it is. or what causes it, it comes so sudden. its almost as bad as the shell feeling. ive never told anyone about how i feel. espically the random feeling of emptiness. iwish i had someone i could just always go to, that would just always be there for me. that i can call at anytime, and just talk to. someone that would just understand me, and care. and maybe thats a selfish thing to ask for, or maybe it isnt. even if it is i dont think its too much to ask for. but having no one is too much to take. i dont want to die, i dont wish i was never born. but i wouldnt care if i doed tommorow by accident. thats not how i always feel, thats how i feel like when i get that shell feeling. when its really bad, and im in that state for a day to a month, then i do wish i was dead. i havent had that in a long while though. but every time i even get the slightest hint of that feeling, i get scared, i get scared itll be bad again. but the more i think that the worse it gets. the deeper i dig, the more old memories that come back and i use to hurt myself. after a while. i start to feel like its all my fault. maybe it is. i blame myself for everything. and i try to find more things wrong with me. i tell myself i dont deserve the people i love. im only hurting them by being like this. and i know it hurts them. but then that just makes myself hate myself more. if i cant make myself happy id at least like to make other people happy. im not a selfish person, im really not. i always want others to be happy over me. when i make someone upset, or they get mad at me i feel like ive failed. ive failed myself and them. all of that results in me distancing myself from people. saying mean things i dont mean, and that real me would never even think. i get hateful and push people away. but then if i hide from everyone and everything nothing ever gets solved, things only get messier. and then i really have no one that can be there for me because i got rid of them. becuase im useless. i honestly dont knwo my point. i have no special talent, nothing, all i do is cause problems with myself and others. i want to be that loving caring fun person i use to be, but ive just been hurt so much by others and myself that i find it near impossible to get back to that. theres noting more i want than to be stress free. then to be happy, and bubbly, and a normal kid. i just want to be normal, think normal, feel normal. when i get the shell feeling i usually hold my phone in my hand, sometimes thats what i stare at. i wait for the next text, and when it comes, i keep staring at it. trying to get myself to read it, but im so scared that itll hurt, or ill hurt them. but then i bring myself to it, with the thought reading something someone sent you is a piece of reality. the feeling of the vibration from the keyboard is better than that lump in your throught, that pull in your heart, the pain in your back. a breif escape from it, even if in the end it makes things worse. sometimes ill try to listen to music, to bring myself back into me. but no matter what it is, or how loud i play it, al i ever hear is the ring in my ear and my own pulse. i cant focus on anything. i can try to listen to someone talk, but i can never obsorbe what they say, no matter how hard i try. thats really bad in school. trying to focus on the teacher but never hearing a single word. all the time thinking, how are my legs right now? god theyre me worst feature. i should fix my shirt. why did i wear these pants? i bet my hair is sticking up. those are thoughts all the time actually, not just then. i sit certin ways so my legs dont look as bad, i cross my arms to cover up how flat i am, or cover up my stomach. i wish i could just cover up me. or i could just look good sometimes. my intence self hate drves me crazy, i hate that i hate myself. i hate that i feel empty, i hate that i dont feel like im really here.