Journal

Dear Journal,
She talked to me last night. I thought about ignoring her like I have done the last three of four times that she has tried to talk to me, but I couldn't bring myself to walk away. It's just ... she smiled and started to walk my way and, for a brief moment, it felt like how it was before. Before I acted on impulse and everything changed. The day I told her she didn't cry or spew curse words in my direction. (She would never curse at anyone anyway.) Instead, she tried to smile and asked if we could still be friends. I promised her we would. This was a promise I knew I wouldn't keep, but if it made her happy, at least for a moment, I would have said anything. It's the least I could do. The way she walked away was how I knew she wasn't really okay. It was a frantic 'oh my god' walk. One that said she was going to pretend it never happened. I've seen that walk before, but up until then she was always walking toward me for protection not away from me to hide. I was so stupid. I am still so stupid, and I miss her so much. Last night she told me she missed our talks and asked if we could hang out soon. I didn't know what to say, so I just stood ther like an idiot until she got tired of staring at me and walked back to her friends. They all hate me. They look at me with disgust every time I walk by them. I shouldn't care what they think. I try to lie to myself by saying I'm happy, and their looks can't affect me, but at the end of the day I'm left all alone with my thoughts. My mistakes, wrong doings, and 'what-ifs?' are all left to ponder in my guilt ridden mind. Sometimes a glimmer of hope slips into my empty thoughts, but I quickly swat it away. Things will never be the same. I love her, but she'll never know. I can't express to her how sorry I am. Even if I could she wouldn't take me back, but who would blame her? Not her precious little friends. Even if I got up the nerve to apologize to all of them, and I was nearly in tears, they wouldn't care. Once a liar, always a liar ... their words mock me every morning. They have no right to criticize me; I know I screwed up. do they actually think smirking at me as I walk by will make me feel any worse than I already do? Forget it. Forget them. The only person that matters is her. She always told me not to care what others thought. "Your happiness is all I care for" she'd whisper to me ever so often. I cling to those words. When all is dark and my heart feels cold her words give me hope, and for a brief moment, everything is okay. For that small moment, it's like nothing ever changed.~T