Phatty's Guide to Surviving a Break-Up

We've all suffered through a break-up, some are easier than others. For me, it's usually pretty simple: here today, gone tomorrow. I don't give 'em a chance to dump me because I'm already usually out the door. But even when you're the dumper, instead of the dumpee, sometimes it's tough to manage the fallout. But you have to remember that he wasn't right for you. You left for a reason. He yelled at you, called you the most hideous of names, threatened you, cheated on you, humiliated you in front of your children, whatever else he did, he's gone! Let him stay gone!!

Here's my recipe for getting over it and back in the game as quickly and painlessly as possible.

FIRST THING'S FIRST
You absolutely, without question, MUST sever all electronic ties! Delete, delete, delete, and block that asshole! Take him off your FB. Get him out of your Google Circles. Delete his phone number (this one's really important for later stages in the break-up process). Block him everywhere possible, even through your wireless carrier (he has nothing new to say, believe me!). You don't want to see what he's up to now that you've sent him packing. Do not call him! EVER. For anything. The relationship is over for a reason; keep what's his that's still at your place and let him keep what's yours at his...unless it's valuable of course. But don't call for shirts, underwear, ProActiv, shampoo, kitchen storage containers, etc. They are not important; don't call him!

SECOND OBSTACLE
Wallow in your misery! Too many of us try to be strong after a break-up. Why? Putting off your grief will make it worse later, and later you should be having fun! So take a few days, no more than a week, to lie around in your pajamas, eat cupcakes for dinner, don't brush your hair, finish that bottle of wine, whatever it is you do when you're depressed...do it! Don't drunk dial him!!! If you've followed the recipe, you've deleted his number. If you haven't, you have to be strong when you're drinking. Do not call, text, email, or send smoke signals. Don't do it!! Is shows him you're weak and gives him the upper hand...keep hand!!

This is also the point in my recovery process where I list all the horrible, atrocious things that caused the break-up in the first place. Remember every little thing. Write it all down. Do not include one good quality or example on this list; this is your reminder for when you're weak. Put the list in your purse and look at it when you feel you just can't go another second without that pig's embrace. Remind yourself why you're better off without him!

But give yourself permission to be sad. After all, you ARE sad. You felt positive things at one time and probably still do; don't deny those feelings...experience them and let them make their way out of your life, or they'll hang around and get in the way. Forget that!!

OBSTACLE THREE IS FUN!
Burn it, shred it, or toss it!!! You don't need his shit laying around your house. Get rid of it, however you see fit. Have your supportive friends over and burn it all while you sing Kelly Clarkson or Pink songs, and drink lots of beer! You don't want reminders of him all over the house, and he's gone so get rid of what's left. This is where the healing starts. Enjoy this phase and prepare for the next.

NOW YOU'RE MOVING
The time has come for you to get out and have fun. You've just spent a week in the house and gotten rid of all that dirty rotten scoundrel's stuff. Now wash that stinky hair, put on your red dress, and take your ass out! He's not the only dude around. There are millions of single men out there. Go find a better one! Go find one that's so much better at your loser exboyfriend's most insecure feature. For example, even though my ex had a fantastically gorgeous body, he felt fat. He had a tiny little pudgy belly, in his opinion...all I saw were rock-hard abs. <sigh> But my "next" will most definitely have the abs of a Greek God. Why? Payback of course!! He shouldn't have been such an ass and I wouldn't have to do it. But this is his punishment. He deserves it! The point is: you know his weaknesses; exploit it, even if momentarily! Chances are he did the same to you when you were in the relationship, when he was supposed to be treating you well and supporting you. Now it's your turn, simple as that. You can find a new hobby, spend time at the pool or beach, sit at a park, go dancing, etc. Just take this time to go out and shine!

FINALLY
By now you're feeling better and may even have found a new boyfriend, if that's what you're looking for. You've managed to wade through the misery and find your place of happiness again. If you run into your ex in town, you won't run away screaming. You've survived and will only soar from here. Congratulations! That punk is history!