QPJ Does NOT Carry Weapons

My friends know how clumsy I am. This is the truest statement of fact I've come to know in life, even truer than Murphy's Law. It's so true that it's been said by more than one person that someone should be following me around with a video camera.


My first year of teaching I fell off my shoes while standing still, talking to a group of people in the parking lot. One fine day last year, I sat down on a stack of boxes. The boxes were empty and I fell straight through them! One of my dearest friends ran to help...by scrambling for her phone camera! As I'm sitting there, ass stuck in a box, I'm surrounded by nothing but rolling costume racks. I couldn't get out! And Mizz Jackson is snapping away!


So, even knowing this fact, I still do the most ridiculous things: climbing on tables to hang things up...not a great idea! One day recently while standing on a table in front of a group of students, my heel got caught on a stack of books, and I fell straight down, all the way to the floor, hitting every hard object in my path on the way, skirt up, screaming like a little girl! As I lie motionless on the floor, the poor kids actually thought I might be dead. I, of course, wasn't dead...just a little shocked at how fast it all happened. I jumped up, pulled my skirt down, and reassured them I didn't need an ambulance. Now every time I go for the ladder, they freak out a little. I think I scarred them for life; my job is complete!


So, why doesn't QueenPhatJesus carry weapons? Although I'm sure you've figured it out, I'll tell you anyway: I'm an accident waiting to happen! AND, I don't have a good track record. So I've decided to quit while I'm ahead!


Another widely known fact about me: I hate cold weather!! And even though I live in Florida, some winters here are extremely cold, in my opinion. When the temperatures drop, I bundle up as if I live in Alaska: down coat, scarf, gloves, hat, etc. I don't like it one bit! On one of these frigid mornings, several years ago, I was shopping at our lovely mall. It had been a successful trip, and I had my arms full. I had donned my usual subzero weather attire and was running toward the car. Once there I realized that I hadn't yet pulled out my keys, which is very unlike me (safety first). Well I started digging around in my purse, with my gloved hand, and somehow got my finger through the locking mechanism, on the trigger, and shot my own self straight in the face with my pepper spray! Have you ever done that? If not, please allow me to be the first to tell you, "DON'T EVER DO IT!" That stuff is used as a weapon for a reason, people!! It hurts!!!


Now, I was rolling around, screaming, on the ground. Yes I'm still at the mall, in the parking lot. Well of course I got the attention of everyone within earshot distance! People started rushing over; someone started throwing water in my face, and all along I'm just screaming away like someone set me on fire! (Fire! Stay tuned; I have lots of stories about catching stuff on fire!) I was crying but I don't think I was making any tears. I don't know how long this went on, but it felt like an eternity.


After the initial horror of the situation wore off, and I was a little calmer, I was sitting there still being watched by some kind, thoughtful, concerned people, rocks in my hair and mascara running down my face, one older gentleman stated, "Little lady, I don't think I'd shoot myself in the face again if I were you." Ya think?!


Looking back on that incident, I realize that was damn good advice! So go on about your business now, folks. And don't shoot yourself in the face!