My Manipulative Ex

There was a time when I loved you, you know.
When I would call you late at night
As I lay in bed lonely
Pondering the dots on the ceiling
And my own reality as a dot in the universe.
I loved your sureness, your steadiness.
You had the answers to all of my questions.
I loved your patience.
The way you loved me, as me
When no one else would
The others could reject me, it didn’t matter
You were a pair of open arms.

But the longer we were together
The less real you seemed to me.
You wrote such beautiful letters
The only time you really spoke your mind.
At first it seemed so romantic
Like you were a soldier away at war
And I didn’t mind waiting
Until I realized things wouldn’t change
It’s hard to stay in love when you’re apart from who you’re loving
And we had quite the distance parting us

My parents loved you, still do
They loved the way you could weave words
So poetically together
They loved your conviction
The way you took care of me
Even though it was clear you didn’t
They were so invested in our relationship
I didn’t have the heart to tell them
We didn’t talk much anymore
I still don’t.

You said it was my fault
You were older, and wiser
And you spoke the truth and why couldn’t I see that?
But I spit right back at you
I spoke my truth
I didn’t like how you kept me waiting
I didn’t like what you had to say
I didn’t like the guys you hung around with
Bigots and sexists, the lot of them
And you, their ring leader

So I tried to leave
But you stopped me
“Remember what I did for you?” you said
“Remember how you owe me.”
And I did remember, and I felt ashamed
You had loved me when I was broken
You had made my path so clear
I remembered your sacrifices
I remembered, and I forgot

I forgot how you were the one to break me in the first place
The one to trace the scars upon my skin
I forgot the vitriol you spewed
I forgot the back you turned to pain

And I realized how good a player you are
Of this cosmic game
Only you could invoke debt by forgiving it
Only you would dare cure others of the suffering you brought them
Only you could forgive the very flaws you engineered
And have the whole world dropping to their knees
Singing their thanks
Singing Hallelujah

The whole world but me
This is the last time I speak to a ceiling
And pretend you’re really above it
This is the last time I acknowledge the possibility of you
And only to say
Thanks for nothing, son of a bitch.