The Letter I'll Never Send

It seemed like yesterday when I first talked to you.


Talking about dying in a food coma.


Oh, how I loved those days when we could just talk and laugh.


We could talk to each other non stop, without ever wondering who we are or what we did


We could focus on helping and caring, not about what our friends would say


We didn't have to think about how one another would feel after insulting each other.


We were having a good time, that's all that mattered.





And then you asked for my number





At first I thought it nothing.


I tried to convince myself that you just want to chat like old friends.


But when you started putting smiley faces on all of your messages, I got concerned.


Of course it was nothing right?


Just two friends, talking to each other constantly...sitting by each other at work.


That's all it was.





But then she said you liked me.





And of course I knew she was only joking.


It would be silly to even think that.


I didn't deserve you.


I mean, you were considered popular,


and I?


I was the sarcastic chick that was too smart for her own good.


You couldn't have liked me...right?


Those smiles were just friendly...right?


And the fact that you constantly texted me....was normal.





I started to get that feeling..





You know the one I'm talking about.


The one where everything you do revolves around who you're thinking of.


The one where you giggle when you get that text message from that special someone.


The one that you get excited knowing that you'll see that person the next day.





I tried not to show it





But man, it was hard.


I wanted to be yours,


I wanted to hold your hand,


I wanted to be the girl you slow danced with,


But we were just friends.


We were just...work buddies.


Except I wanted something more.





Then when school started,





I never got to see you anymore.


Soon those text messages faded


And then we weren't talking.


I only saw you for a second and when I did, my stomach erupted with butterflies.


I settled for a smile instead of saying hi,


Just because I thought you didn't want to talk





So I texted you





Regardless of what the phone bill would be,


And surprisingly you answered,


But no smileys this time


Without them, I felt lonely


Like I had somehow lost that touch


Like I had lost a gold star on a kindergarten behavior chart


At that moment, I decided that I would earn back that right.


I would get smileys in my text messages from you.


I would make you like me like I liked you.





Then that random question came up in one of our conversations





You asked who I liked,


But what could I say?


I couldn't say I liked you, that would ruin it all.


So instead, I said I liked some other guy,


I wasn't lying, I liked him...


A little.


Soon enough you told me you liked one of the popular girls in school,


I knew I should have seen that coming.


So even though I was talking to the other guy I liked,


I couldn't stop thinking about you.


I was jealous of this girl,


This girl that caught your eye.


Oh how badly I wanted to do that.





Soon, I went out with this other guy





In a pitiful attempt to forget your face


Your smile


Your laugh


It didn't work, by the way.


I still thought about you every second


But I knew I had to stop,


I had to focus on the other guy first.


The hardest thing was telling you,


Telling you I was dating him.


I knew you weren't going to be hurt,


But it hurt me.


When I told you, it was like me telling you that we'll never get a chance.


To me, it was a goodbye.


And trust me, I didn't want it.


But I knew it had to be done.


I had to forget you


Because if I didn't,


I wouldn't sleep.


I wouldn't eat.


The thought of you on my mind kills me.


I know that I love it,


But it kills me.





I realized something a month later





I realized that I couldn't love this other guy,


If that's what love is.


I knew that I was in love with you


But I couldn't dare tell you that.


I was afraid of what was down that road.


So I went back to being your friend.


Sure, I was sad from time to time.


I knew that you cared,


You were mad when I told you about the way the other guy treated me.


But I knew that I couldn't mistake that for something else.


We were strictly just friends.





Soon, you were all I could think about





Your face


Your personality


Who you liked


What your favorite color was


How you liked your eggs


If you were a dog or a cat person


I wanted to know everything!


I wanted to know how your life was going


What you hated the most


What made you mad


What made you happy


Who you believed it.


Who you loved..





When you texted me, I smiled





Knowing that you texted first, not me


We talked like old friends,


Joking,


Insulting,


And soon your smileys were back!


You do not understand how much I love those smileys.


I decided that it was time to tell you,


I told you how I felt and lied.


I lied and said that I used to like you.


You said the same.


You told me you were too scared to tell me,


All I could think about was the fact that we could have been together


I could have held your hand


We could have slow danced


I could have called you mine





Then you stopped talking to me





It was like I wasn't there anymore.


Did I say something?


Did I show that I cared too much?


I thought you liked me man...


I'm sorry if I went too far.


I'm sorry if I wasn't supposed to say goodnight and sweet dreams


I'm sorry if I wasn't supposed to tell you to have an amazing day


Or say that I liked talking to you.


I'm sorry that I fell in love with you man.


I still can't stop thinking about you.


Even though you don't talk to me


Or look to me.


Ever heard the song White Horse by Taylor Swift?


I relate that to us.


Or to what I thought of us.


I know you didn't know that I cried that night you never texted me


It's been a week.


I texted you just to make sure you didn't erase my number


You answered,


Thank goodness.





I wrote this...to tell you everything. Everything from the beginning.





I love you.