In My Sick Way, I Want To Thank You.

Dear Eian,







Sometimes, I feel like the world is rushing by, so quick.. so fast. You hear everything, standing in the hallway full of teenagers going on with there daily activities. I can hear them now, over the soothing lyrics of the ipod, beating steadily in my ear. You hear all kind of horror stories, the type of things that you KNOW if their parents knew, They'd be killed. Used too, you and I would stand in those halls, and we'd laugh. At them, at ourselves, at each other. It didn't matter, because I knew every day with you, I'd be laughing. It's only been 26 months since I last seen you, but It feels like a lifetime. I've changed so much, I wonder sometimes if you'd still recognize me. Sometimes, I don't recognize myself. I look in the mirror, and wonder where the girl who would lie on the roof for hours and stare at rain clouds for hours disappeared too. The girl who would frolic at the pond behind your property, and catch fireflies with her best friend vanished, replaced by this older, harder girl, hiding behind eye liner and study books. "Just Breathe.." she whispers to herself, and wonders how her past mistakes landed her here... Sometimes, I cry over your picture, late at night alone in my room. I beg the lord for accidents, I've seen the worst case scenario, I'm slowly letting go. I know I've moved towns since that day, Mom says that the environment would have sent me into depression, with the memory of you constantly surrounding me. What I don't tell her, is that no matter what town, or room, or hallway I stand, sit, cry, or fake it in, I see you, laughing right along beside me, with that silly little smile you wore so well. I can't forget you, no matter how hard I try. I haven't told anyone at this school (it's a small redneck type of place, a far cry from the Chicago streets we used to play in).. I haven't spoke your name, save to Shayleigh, because she truly understands the agony of my loss of you. She's been a blessing to me, I just wish you two could have met. Sometimes, It seems like when I talk to her about you, she feels the hurt of your absence. She sees the blood dripping slowly from your wrist, like she was there watching the tears form in your eyes the day you swore you'd drive so fucking far away, and begged me to forget you.. but It's impossible. Sometimes I'm overcome with hate. Not at you, my dear, but the people who pushed you to the point where I would never enjoy your company again. I hate your father for not protecting you, and for drinking himself stupid enough not to see the light, the bright happiness you brought to this world.. sometimes I hate the whole neighborhood for not hearing your cries, or seeing the scars. Mostly, though, I hate myself for not doing anything. For not reaching out, and helping you find someone to hear you... I hate myself for falling asleep the night of your Mothers funeral, If I had known I would have stayed up night after night.. I hate myself for thinking you would move on, that you could pull yourself out of the deep grey that you had so obviously had fallen into. I didn't know what was on your mind.. I didn't have a clue.. I heard that after your funeral, the bully that had slammed your head into the sink the week before went to the front of the school and cried like a baby... I heard that his friends were around, and that they were crying too. I wanted to hurt all of them too, maybe light them on fire, so they could feel the raging inferno of torment I was feeling inside, but I just walked back to your house instead.. The cops wouldn't let me in though, they had it taped up, said that "contamination" was a factor in my not being allowed. I wanted to tell them that if they wanted to see contamination, that they should take a look under your bed. Sometimes I wish that I were with you. People tell me your in "Heaven" now and that you can see everything I do. When I think about that I listen to "Watch Me Bleed" by Scary Kids Scaring Kids. It's how I feel, and I know you loved them. I cry so much for you.. Why did you do it? You were only 16... that's too young to die.. I feel like I'm making progress now, it's almost been three years. I laugh again, but never like I did with you... I have another guy friend... we are close like you and I were, but I never speak your name to him. His name is Marshall, and sometimes you two are so alike I almost trick myself back into thinking your home... I miss you so much Eian. You have no idea the things I would do to bring you back, for just a day. To hug me just one more time, to smell that special mix of spices and cologne, that never existed again outside of your old tee shirts. I'd murder to hear your laugh, or your voice, calling me "Ace" and telling me you love me... I miss the wall of Rainbow Memories... After we found you, I found a black piece of paper, and drew the last memory I had of you... then cried more because I couldn't quite capture the far away look in your eyes or the symbolic peace in your features..
I miss you so much... I wish you' come back... I love you...



♥,
Ace.