A Confession of Free Will

    She started early; she started young, she started quickly and it had begun. He started off slow with rising content. He started off sober; he started off sweet; he started off faithful and gosh golly darn neat. It started off innocent for she was who she was but it ended up deadly for he abused what he was.

She was the sweetheart you’ve known from a child through bruised hearts and skinned knees you’ve watched her grow up. She was spring’s first flower the beginning of life. She was the innocent angle, giving all hope. But a flowers have worms with malicious intent, so too did this angel have her counter part, demon. 

    He was the boy they had all come to fear, for he would take her away and she’d be no longer near. He was not him who they thought he would be. Though I mustn’t mislead you it was not all his fault.  His scars, deep, his secrets, many, and the mask on his face was the wall which he built to keep out intruders to shield from his fears, nay, to lock in his tears and imprison his emotions. Whatever the reason, the reason needn’t be know the fact was just this: that he was broken. He was new he was different and like a toy in the window she wanted to play. With his broken pieces he was not the best choice but she was the craftsman who could fix anything. Anything? Anything! But maybe not everything. He was the challenge she couldn’t ignore. She was the chance he couldn’t afford to pass up. They were so different so no one did expect they would fall with each other, so no one did expect what was to happen next.

    Her life was just fine. Her life was just right. He knew he had issues but for this girl he would fight. It started one day with no warn or alarm. It ended just as quickly, vanish, poof, gone, it’s done. But wait, wait one moment I’ve gone and spoiled the surprise. Go back! Go back! Rewind! Try to erase words from your eyes. Like she did…like she did. The words on labels burnt to her eyes: meth, OP, and those bottles of scotch, not wait…beer…well, actually it was…Damn it! I’ve done it again! Now I might as well tell this story from very beginning to final end.

    Yes, yes, yes, it does sound cliché that the setting where we’re set is the town where controversy is never said to tread. Backwoods, boondocks, whatever you wish to call it, that was where she was. Ten hours north in a town with no name lived a troubled young boy who had not yet found his fame . . . S’pose their destiny was set from the starts, written in the stars who’ve wrote in our hearts. S’pose that it was meant to be, or rather that it wasn’t . . .S’pose they were something of star-crossed lovers. S’pose I s’pose we assume all day and spend our lives just wishing away. See I’ve gotten off track; I’ve forgotten myself. Oh me! Where are we now? Yes, yes, I remember. Back to those lovers soon scorn by Fate.

    So how could they be with time ten hours separating? I must be mistaken you say? Well call it destiny, well call it life, can’t call in nothing for he still happened…and she will never forget. Yes it did happen that the Fates they did come in and brought that boy, whose effect was still unknown, to the girl and the town that would force him to breathe.

    School was the place, if you understand such a thing. The place seemed so safe with its ivy covered walls so it was not thought that any danger could come in…He wasn’t danger though, not at first, maybe that’s why he slipped under their censors, why he didn’t cause the alarm. Defenses were down, swords we lowered, and slowly, so slowly, they began to move in. Next moving was done for there was no more space to close. They were there, no more stopping, they could only just, be. Fingers intertwined. Arms, cheek, and lips, chest, hips and fingertips, there was no point in holding back, everything already was. “Together” said Forever, “Separation is not our friend.” Secrets were shared, stories were made until the day they were torn apart. Torn apart by the same Fates, who do love to tease…torn, it keeps playing again in my head, ‘torn apart’, no, no not torn, that is a very strong word. Gentle push, friendly nudge, slight encouragement, maybe. But no, they chose different paths. Free Will called this Decision.

    Gone away, from his air, who had shoved oxygen pipes down his throat; he found himself suffocating grasping for air, for her. He was dying, slow and painful, “anything, anything,” he said, “to keep me alive.” He thought no one could have blamed him for his destruction. See, he had turned to the dark, for it had promised him light. He had fled to the powder, for it had guaranteed him water. He had given into that life, for it called him love.

    He gave in. She gave up. She moved on. He just was. Was destroying himself just to kill all of the memories. But in between his black and white flashes sat flashbacks in his mind ready to pounce back, harder and harder every time. He sat, easy pray, for the dreams from the night, to come, find him, and rip him apart. See, it’s thought that this life edits out all the pain but no. No, I know what It does for Its owner: It sees you. It loves you. It calls you by name. Once you’re inside you’ve started Its game. It goes through you mind. It goes through your veins. It goes through and everything inside of you. It finds the thing you’re trying to live without and brings it forth to toy and play. It scoffs. It jokes, as you bleed all around, playing truth in your mind, sitting back while you suffer. It’s cold, oh so cold in Its little black box, it’s lonely, trying to live while you die…It rips you apart from the inside to out…I was never the same- I mean, he was never the same, yes, him, that’s how I know this. Well, some get out of Its game, but no one ever really quits, It doesn’t allow that. That’s against Its rules. Still! You can stop rolling Its dice, stop spinning Its wheel, but he, he didn’t even try. No one knew, because no one cared, because no one bothered to find out what was happening to this boy…maybe that’s why he continued, though I s’pose we will never know.

    While he was dying, she was living to the fullest extent she could. Though in the back of her mind she knew something was terribly wrong with the boy that she once knew. She fell in love, with someone else. She gave her heart. He gave his life. Seeing her without himself must have been too painful for him, because that was when he immersed himself. Time moved on for him and for her.

    As pieces of him disintegrated she grew worried, wondering where her boy had run off. One day she found out. One day everyone found out where the pieces of that boy had gone. There was no sun, there was no rain; there was no being that day. She couldn’t believe what her boy had done. She couldn’t face it, but she had to admit it. Now next time passes, nothing really for me to say: He destroyed himself. She sat while she watched. Now you must know that in the beginning she never blamed herself, not once, but it’s a curious thing what opinions can do. If someone tells you you’re the best at something eventually you’ll believe it too, however, if someone tells you you’re to blame for something you begin to wonder if it’s true. Was it her fault? Was it his? Or some strange combination of the two? Either way she decided to protect his secret, denying it to others, and maybe even herself too. Things, they did settle down. He tried to quit, or so she thought. She tried slowly to trust him. They almost returned to that spot where they were but one day he came to her with glazed eyes and slurred words, begging for help that he wouldn’t receive.

    She shut him away couldn’t handle it all, put all her effort into forgetting, but I guess she forgot how. He tried and tried to get his girl back. He tried gave up everything he had. No! No not everything! He still had one thing left. Unfortunately for him it was the only thing she wanted gone. His crutch, his blanket, that’s what pushed her away.

    Nothing again happened ‘til that bitch came along. Two years too young, but still she wanted to play. She didn’t know her history. She didn’t know their past. She wanted him. She hated her and finally found her chance. A gun shot wound would have hurt less to our girl when she heard the news, “how dare she,” she thought, “she doesn’t even know him! She doesn’t know him like I do!” but our girl she didn’t need to worry for feelings were shared and soon the words ‘you’re mine you idiot!’ were dripping like blood from her mouth. Yes, yes, I know! You’re screaming at me now aren’t you, but it’s true. Not once, nor twice, but thrice did they separate only to return together again. She was his once more, though he didn’t really change. She realized no matter how hard she tried he would always be her boy. They were together, for a while they tired to work things out, they tried to fix everything. They spent time until she was spent because they couldn’t fix anything. She couldn’t handle every night, wondering where he was, what he was doing, and whom he was doing it with, or if he would even be there in the morning to tell her. 

    He asked her once, if she would come with him. She was shocked. He didn’t know how much of her he was asking for. She had seen what that life could do with her…and she had no intention of going back. She tried to stay away when he was…she realized that she stronger without him; she tried to keep away. He was loosing her again. She grew strong, built surface level indifference to him and his life, though on the inside she cried. She didn’t go back though; she couldn’t kill herself again.

    It wasn’t until a wandering angel came, heard the story that something did finally change. She talked to Her, our girl poured her heart into a tall drinking glass, cried that she didn’t even know if he still wanted her. The angel flushed and flew to the boy

    “You must tell her. You must” but the boy refused. “But you must tell her. She must know.”

    “I wouldn’t even know how. I would choke on my words.” The boy sincerely replied.

    He had to try; there was no other choice. Her got her alone. They were standing to still with the hills to the South and a doorway to the North. One minute, two minutes, three minutes passed when the three most dangerous words slipped out of his mouth, I love you. Now they weren’t they only ones standing too still. Birds stopped flying. Rivers stopped running. It seemed even the sun in the sky stopped dead in its tracks. Everything stopped and nothing breathed, it seemed the whole world just sat, awaiting her answer.

    “Now! Now you tell me! After you’ve destroyed yourself! It’s too little too late.” Those were that words running through her head. Unfortunately, those were not the words that came from her mouth.

    “No. No you don’t love me. You’ve never showed it. So please…please don’t say it. You were my first everything and I will always want you back. So go. Work on yourself and I’ll be waiting right here when you’re ready.” With one last sweet kiss she walked away from him and the life he represented.

    But her last words were an invitation for his return, forever claiming he is better...