The Beginning of the End

Chapter One

Someday, I’ll cease to exist. But my dear, please don’t cry. The stars will still shine. The world will still spin. And time will move forward. You too must move forward. It’s okay to remember. But don’t remember so much that you forget to live. I promise you, I will be with you, even as my body rests six feet below the surface.
                                                 Love,
                                          Yours truly


The bitter air bites at my skin, even through my many layers. I slip the note into the mailbox of the only person I’ve ever loved. I fight back tears. This is not how I planned to say goodbye—or die. I’d always imagined sitting in a retirement home together, hand in hand, as we both drift off into eternal sleep. I had certainly not imagined being fifteen, lying alone in an overly bright hospital room, as I fighting to survive for just a little bit longer. But I can’t always get what I want. It’s impossible to avoid my fate, hanging right around the corner. It’s lying low, waiting for the right moment to swiftly grab me and pull me into the darkness.

They told me my lungs couldn’t hold on much longer. Everything was declining fast. If I were going to survive, I would need a double lung transplant. My chances of surviving that were low, but to add to the list it would cost more than  half of a million dollars without insurance. I don’t have insurance. That was the day I was basically given my death sentence.

As I turn to walk down the uneven driveway, I finally let the tears fall. My mind goes back to just a few months earlier, when I could breathe. I could laugh with out coughing. I could run. And I could just be free. I went to Dr. Scarsini exactly 9 months ago. I felt better than ever. I strutted confidently into the Pulmonary Function Test lab, and took my deepest breath ever. I closed my eyes as I gave it my all. I opened my eyes to a shock: my FEV1 was 100%. My first try, and it was already my all time best. I took another try and my FEV1 increased again: 104%. After 4 more trials, my FEV1 was at 115%. I was more than delighted. Dr. Scarsini too was delighted with how well I was doing.
I walked out of my appointment that day unaware of the sharp turn my life would take in a little more than three months.