Dear me

Dear me,

         There are so many things within myself I do not understand. I have a strong desire to be known totally and completely and yet at the same time to be known only to myself. There is safety in loneliness. There is also lonely in loneliness. Fear of rejection perhaps?

         Fear and pain and perhaps the inability to face what and who I truly am dictate my loneliness. I am tired of fear. I wish…No I’m tired of wishing. I want to do. I’ve never been one for New Year’s resolutions but I think it’s high time I start doing.

         This year is dedicated to me. The selfishness of that sentence makes me cringe but I have no more excuses. I must push myself in ways I haven’t. I must pursue those things I’ve always “wished” to do like learning to play the violin, go sky-diving, to publish something. To conquer my fears…Actually I’ve become so out of tune with myself I don’t know what I fear other than emotional pain. Surely there is something…Spiders? Uh that’s a strong possibility.

         So much has changed in the last few years. I am not who I was. No more excuses girlie, it’s time to face the music! Hmmm I think I need a few guidelines…

         Number one: No more living with the expectations of others, it’s time to shake that has-been fear off. It’s not me and it never should have been.

         Number two: What kind of person doesn’t have a favorite color??? I like them all is no longer an acceptable answer! Do I really know myself so little that I can’t pick one? Seriously? I’m thinking green sounds nice…or maybe purple…

        Number three: It’s time to let someone in that fragile little world of mine. Rather than it being forcibly violated like in the past it’s time to learn to trust again. Fear cannot be my barrier any more. Blocking out people has consequences. I can’t block out the bad without the good, it’s just not possible. Life will always have pain and suffering but I’m missing out on the goodness in life as well.  It’s time to take a chance again.

        It’s time to take a good look in the mirror Hun! Don’t be afraid at what I might find. Remember a few weeks ago when I rediscovered how much I love to dance? Or when I realized that maddening compassion I have is not a weakness like I’ve been told so many times? Compassion is strength!  It’s a scary world out there but that’s no excuse to hide any more. Go ahead and take a look in that mirror, I think I might surprise myself. This year I am rediscovering me.