Hard Lesson

Of all the hard lessons I have learned over the years, I have continuously been able to fail at one. It is an easy one to understand, and one of the most important to me, but somehow it seems to never stick. When I think it has finally sunk in and I am feeling content, the lesson seems to fade away into the background unnoticed, just waiting to strike again. I ask myself, “how could this happen again”? I have no answer….

Thoughts and feelings seemingly race through my mind at a million miles per hour, but yet here I sit with a blank stare, and completely speechless. My heart tells me what my mind should have clearly known all along. As history repeats itself I lose another part of me and at this point there is not much left to lose. I am the conductor in this runaway train and I want it to stop, but apparently I do not have the ability.

I wrote a short paper once called “Strength”. It has served as the base of my building blocks of life. I read it today and wonder who that man was, and where is he today? Again, I have no answer….. It seems I am better to give advice than to assess my own situation and resolve my own matters.

So again closes another chapter in life and I am oblivious to when and where the next one starts. It would be nice for the story to go on for once and have the ending which is satisfying and fulfilling, but my book does not have happy endings. The chapters are full of potential that always lead to heartache for those involved. It would be safe to say that you should not be part of this book.

I do not need a pat on the back while being told “keep your head up” or any of these otherwise useless phrases. At this point in time I am not ready for the possibility of new things to come; I want what I just had. It is something I never thought I would have found and something that many will seek throughout their lifetime only to come up empty handed.

As these words roll across my screen I do find a sense of relief….Unfortunately, I know the words will stop, and I will again be alone with the darkness which is patiently waiting to consume me.