Pulling Away

“Why are you doing this, June?” I heard the shock in Chris’s voice.
         “I’m sorry, Chris. But…” I paused, but what? “This isn’t healthy for me anymore.”
         “Can’t you forgive me?” I stopped. I could forgive him. But why should I? If he did this to me once, he could do it again.
         “No.” I whispered as tears swelled up in my eyes. I felt hot droplets of water fell down my face, down my neck.
         “I love you, June.” I tried to say it back, but could not find the words. Finally, I was able to sob out “I’m sorry”. I hung up the phone, not knowing what to do next.
         The pain I felt, the tears I cried seemed as if they’d last forever. I looked back on us, our memories, how much we loved each other day after day. A blur of days, weeks, months went by. I was alone; isolated from all of society. As I approached five months of isolation, I met Matt- a strong, Italian boy.
         “Please, June,” Matt said desperately, “let me in. I won’t hurt you like Chris did.” I shook my head no as he looked me sadly in the eyes. “Please” he whispered.
         “Okay.” I said quietly. Chris’s muscular arms wrapped around me, he kissed my forehead. By the look on his face, I knew that he knew that I was worried about this.
~
         “Go Matt! Shoot, shoot!” I shouted from the stands. Matt slap shot the puck into the net, his arms flew up in triumph. After winning the game, he came out of the locker room, I ran to jump on him, wrapped my legs around his torso and held him by the neck.
         “I’m so proud of you!” I exclaimed as I kissed his lips. He smiled as I climbed down from around his body. Matt grabbed my hand as we walked out of the arena. He was smelled of sweat but I didn’t mind all that much. Matt and I seemed more like best friends than a typical high school “couple”.
         Our relationship was much different than my relationship with Chris. Chris and I were formal; careful about everything. I was glad that I could relax with Matt. As the weeks passed, my trust in Matt grew. I was able to trust him with enough to tell him what happened between me and Chris.
         My father dropped me off at Chris’s house: we were going on a dinner date. I was excited to spend some alone time with him. At least, I was until I walked into his room to find him on top of Hanna Tormen. I stood there shocked. I slammed his door shut and ran out to the street.
I threw my flip flops into the woods and ran the two miles to my house. I flew open the front door, finding myself alone. My phone began to vibrate in my pocket. Of course it was Chris.
         “Hello?”
         “June? Oh my God, June. I am so sorry, please forgive me, please.” Nate begged.
         “How could you do this to me Chris?” I screamed, “I thought you loved me!”
         “Oh, June, I do, I really do! I wasn’t thinking right, June, I am so sorry!” I heard his voice crack as if he was about to cry.
         “No, no, no!” The phone disconnected and I heard the roar of his truck as it pulled up to the curb, the engine cut off, his heavy boots stomping up the stairs.
“I hate you!” I screamed when he opened the door. He came over to hold me, wrapped his arms around me, and kept apologizing.
         Eventually, I pulled myself together. Chris kissed me softly on the lips and whispered “let’s go to dinner, baby.”
“Why not go with Hanna?” I replied, hurt.
“I don’t want her. I want you.” Chris kissed my forehead, grabbed my hand, and led me out the door, to the truck. The rest of the night along with the months to come, I attempted to reject, cut out, and completely forget what had happened.
         I had begun to cry and Matt held me tight in his arms and whispered “its okay, baby”. It was so odd, the way Matt accepted me. In my eyes, I only had broken bits and pieces of my heart. For Matt though, that was enough.
         As Matt and I approached our two months together, I grew closer to him than I ever had to anyone. By the middle of our relationship, I was terrified, prepared for anything to go wrong although everything seemed to be going right.
         A month or so went by and Matt and I were in his room, kissing. I was laying on his bed while he was leaning over me. His fingers tangled in my hair, pulling me closer to him. Our bodies were entangled. At some point our clothing came off. The rest of the night was filled with love…
~
         “I don’t want to hang out tonight.”
         “What? Why not?” I asked, impatient. “You said that we could go on a movie date tonight.”
         “I want to hang out with the guys.” I looked at him skeptically.
         “Okay.” Matt cupped my face in his hands and kissed me gently.
         “I’m not Chris, June,” Matt said gently, “I’m not going to cheat on you.” He kissed me one last time before I got out of his old Chevy pick-up and walked into my house unaware of what would become of us that night.
~
         “June, we need to talk,” Matt’s name popped up on my Facebook.
         “About…?”
         “I don’t love you. I don’t think I ever really did. I don’t want to be with you anymore.” Shock, rejection took over me: I felt numb.
         “Excuse me?” I typed, “What are you talking about? We were fine two hours ago.”
         “I’m not happy.”
“Call me. Now.”          
         “Matt? Cut the shit. What’s going on?” I asked annoyed when I picked up the phone.
         “I’m sorry, June. I’m not happy anymore-“
         “Why aren’t you happy? Did I do something?”
         “No, no. That’s not it-“
         “Really? It’s not? So what the hell is going on with you?”
         “I don’t know,” Matt said, dumbly, “I’m just not happy anymore. I’m sorry, June, I’m done.”
         “Fine, I don’t care, leave!” I screamed and hung up the phone. I got up from my bed to grab the frame that held our picture from the semi-formal dance. I threw it to the floor; I watched as the glass shattered. I turned around, picked up the vase that was filled with the flowers he had given me for my sixteenth birthday and that I threw to the floor too. The flowers were dead- they scattered on the floor while the vase broke into pieces.
Matt had given me a beautiful silver ring with three amethyst stones that I ripped off my finger and threw it at my bedroom door. I continued to throw everything he had given me including a necklace that I broke off my neck, a bracelet that had a glass heart that had shattered- I ripped the card he had given me for my birthday along with the notes he had written me.
         After a while I was too exhausted to stand. I fell on my bed and curled into a ball until sleep overtook me. I woke up to my alarm going off the next morning.
~
         By the time I got to the high school, all the bells had rung. The halls were deserted, dead. I slid down against the lockers and leaned my head on my knee caps. Tears came down my face when a shadow appeared over me. I looked up to find Matt staring at me, his blue eyes concerned. I put my face back into my knees to hide my tears. He sat down next to me and tried to hold me, but I objected.
         “Get away from me. I don’t want to see you, get away from me!” I screamed.
         “I’m so sorry,” he whispered. I watched as Matt got up and walked down the hall. I remained in the hallway until a teacher found me and sent me off to class.
         Matt left me alone for the rest of the day. As I began my walk home, Matt pulled up to the curb in front of me.
“Want a ride?” he asked as I walked by.
“No.” It was sharp, rude even the way I answered.
“Get in, June. We should talk.”
“I don’t want to.”
“Please.” Glaring at him, I got into the truck.
“What do you want?” I asked impatiently.
“Well, I was hoping that we could talk.”
“What is there to talk about? You broke up with me.”
“Maybe, maybe not,” Matt’s face kept something from me, a secret.
“Fine,” I got out of the truck to unlock the door from my house.
         Matt made himself at home on the couch with his feet up on the table once in the house. I sat down next to him and waited for him to get his thoughts straight. Words never came out of his mouth because it was on mine. I pulled away and asked him what he was doing.
“Shh, baby,” he said gently, “forget all about everything that I said, let me love you.” I didn’t have time to object, not that I completely wanted to. He kissed me with a strong desire; the force in which he was kissing me and undressing me was as if he may never get to again, as if he wouldn’t ever be able to touch, kiss me again.
         Suddenly, I began to feel the same way- what if this wasn’t real? What if I was imagining it? I grabbed the back of his head and wrapped my fingers in his brown hair, pulling him closer in panic. Matt kissed my neck while he made love to me for the last time.
         When Matt and I settled down, he wrapped me in his arms. I grabbed the remote as I curled next to him, completely relieved that he wasn’t gone anymore; he would always be here.  After a few hours of cuddling while watching That 70’s Show, Matt got up and kissed me before he left. Little did I know that that would be the last time I would witness him walking out of my door.
         “June, you can hate me if you want to, but I don’t have feelings for you like I used to. I’m not in love with you anymore. I’m so sorry. I’m the biggest asshole ever.” I stared at the text message for a long time. It couldn’t sink in that he had come over hours before, made love to me, and now not have any feelings. Throwing my phone across my room, I fell to the floor.
         My step-mother found me, shocked lying on the floor. She helped me to my bed, pulled the covers over my head, and turned off the light. When I fell asleep is fuzzy and so is what happened the next few days. All I can recall is that Matt did not try to talk to me.
         My friends tried to talk to me; to make me feel better. I tried to focus on schoolwork and failed miserably. My mind kept slipping back to Matt. I couldn’t wrap my head around the situation. I understood that boys are mean, but I didn’t know that they could be that cruel.
         It has been over a year, over three hundred and sixty-five days since I left Chris; since I met Matt; and almost eight months since Matt left me. The pain is still there along with the scars. Trust is a major issue. I gave up myself for a boy who I thought loved me. I wish I could get back my innocence, I wish I had been more careful with it. Although I’d give anything to turn this story into a fairytale, I learned more from Chris and Matt than anyone else. I’ve learn that nothing is permanent: you have to enjoy the things life brings you as it comes and smile when it ends because you were lucky to even have it.