Just another day

          I wake up again. The same time every day. 5:45. The routine may seem mundane, yet without a routine i would go crazy. It's all i can do anymore to stay sane.Supprises frighten me like a child being left with his baby-sitter for the first time. I try to force a smile. Trying to find something to look forward to. Just like every other day it fails. Sighing i get up and take a shower wincing as the hot water flows over the still fresh scars on my wrist. Cutting. I'm addicted. The pain makes me feel alive. I'm not going to lie and say that cutting takes away the pain. It more-or-less masks over it. When i cut i can only focus of one thing relieving my mind for my life. I wonder if anyone will notice them today. No-one ever seems to notice them. If they do they don't say anything, which is all i really want. All i really need. I'm not going to say im just seeking atention, i'm just looking for a friend who understands. The thought of ending it all flys through my heavy mind again. How easy it could be to put the gun to my head and pull the trigger, and yet i can't do it. Something always stops me. I believe it's the fear of hell.
          It wont be the first time i'tll go through my mind today. I'll sit in class wondering what it would be like if i wasn't there. Would people miss me? And if so then for how long?
I guess the suckiest thing about this all is that i'll see her again and realize how much i wan't her. How much i want to hear her say those three magical words. I love it when she smiles i hate it when she's sad. I want her in my arms. But i know it's a fools dream. She will never see me like i see her. She barely notices me anyways. I creep her out becasue i try to be funny and smart around her. If only she knew the real me. The love i have to offer. The pain she can make vanish.. Suicide comes to mind again. A life without her seems like a life not worth living. If only...