Ostrich Woman

So, we have to do this thing at school today. Some sort of improvisation project in front of all of the other grade schoolers and teachers. Good lord, I hate things like this. Why do teachers want to mortify us children? Is it their intent because they all went through such horrible things when younger? Or maybe they are secret torturers instead of teachers.

Well, whatever. Little did I know at the time, that I was going to own this contest. We had to do some improv like that movie with the walking and talking toys. I had no idea what to do. I'm pretty mature for my age, so how am I going to act like some kids thing?

Whenever they called on me, I would make a pass. So what if I had to go last, it was better than being put on the spot while I thought of something.
Most of these acts were the same, green soldiers in a marsh, Barbies playing with Ken, Faerie Princesses, Piggy Banks...All pretty innocent stuff. So, we had like a minute to get from one checkpoint to the other, walking while we played out our act.

They called on me finally, here was the big moment. I still didn't know what the heck I was going to do, but, here goes nothing. But wait! It hit me!
There goes that loudmouth teacher asking if I am ready again. I just nod and lay down on the ground, which of course has everyone staring like I had been shot. What? You've never seen a kid lay on the ground before? Sheesh.

Anyway, here I am belly down on this dirty playground asphalt, hand to the sky like some Shakespeare play. "Oh, if only Julianne hadn't left me in the sun!" I had them all with that line. I curled up my right leg and wailed in agony. "My leg is melted from that accursed magnifying glass! Boys can be so cruel! Why is Julianne playing with such mean boys!?" There they go, staring again like I've got issues, and I suppose I do.

I start crawling on the ground like a cripple, that's when they make all of the ooing and aweing noises - adults going insane with their want to stop me for being so violent already. Prudes.

Yeah, back to the cripple part. Here I am crawling, feeling the little pebbles get under my clothes and scrape my skin. My mom is here and she looks mortified. We'll probably have some discussion later about how I am ruining my clothes. But you know what, I'm a kid. So, here I am crawling, making agonizing noises. "UUUUGGGHHHH..." Like a zombie movie, I guess. "KAW!" I scream. "What was that!?" I yell, kids and adults staring open mouthed at my act. "KAW! KAW!" More screaming, "There it is again!" I bat my hands to the air, one hand over my eyes for the sun. "Get away from me you overgrown Emu!" I'm pretending to see an Ostrich, but how is some toy going to know the difference?

Here goes the teacher, spouting off facts about Ostriches during my act, just to take away from the violent nature of a child acting like a cripple. "Shut up!" I yell, everyone's eyes on me again. "I'm fighting for my life here! Ack! Too late! The other Ostrich was a diversion!" Boy, was she red in the face when I called her an Ostrich! But it's my show, lady. "I'm eaten! Dead! No more!" I stick my finger in my mouth and make a pop sound, "Whoop...there goes my head..."

After my act, the school was in an uproar. Teachers were even laughing at my creativity, trying to tell Ostrich woman to shove it because they thought it was hilarious. I made new friends and everyone loved to go on and on about my on the spot acting skills.
Mom did talk to me later about my clothes, but I don't care.
I was pretty darn cool for a while.