Mock review

I am reviewing your work as a student of the Rockin' Review
Academy!

Doomsayer
I like the title because it seems to fit the story well; especially because Cooley has a sign proclaiming "the end is coming."

The description of the action and events, gives me a mind picture of the events. It's like watching a movie inside my head.

{slanted October sun} I'm not sure what you mean about the sun when using the word [slanted]? Would you please explain this to me so that I can have an understanding and clear picture of this event?

[to the turnaround bus stop] Did you mean "turn around"? Is turn around a name of the bus stop or is it a description?

I have a very good mental picture of how Cooley looked. I can imagine him very well because of your well chosen words and their placement into sentences.

I know the feeling; after the past months, I feel like I ran into the end. I can relate to the sign and the story of Cooley.


have an idea for this part of your story. What do you think of my idea?
You wrote:
The annual ritual would continue. There had been increasing doubt about that, as October came and the days passed without
Cooley appearing.

I thought this would help dramatize the story and emphasize this concept:
As October came, and the days passed without Cooley appearing, There had been increasing doubt about weather the annual ritual would continue.

Suddenly a chill last day of October breeze.... Did you mean [chilly]?

wind blasted through, stripping last leaves from trees, last leaves? What are last leaves?

You wrote:
....Jason thought he saw Cooley, the only person untouched by the hail, dancing in the middle of the street and laughing.
My reaction:
Cooley dancing in the middle of street untouched by the hail; in my imagination is funny. Today especially, I needed the laugh, thank you.

You wrote:
.... sun broke through blazing and quiet descended so quickly....
My suggestion for clarity would be to put a : between the two related thoughts; like after[, basing;] also, a comma might help because the reader could then focus on the fact that the sun was blazing. The reader also could get a slight rest and take a breath here. This is a good way to transition from all the hurried action to the climax. What do you think?

Everyone howled laughter. Howled [with] laughter; I think you may have left out with in the sentence.

Your story was very interesting, a good word film of events and a great word picture of who Cooley was, the events, and everyone's reactions. Reading this story was fairly smooth except for a few places which I suspect were typos; even I do that.

I appreciate the intrigue and suspense, the plot idea was very good, and the rhythm seemed fine to me. The comedy relief was just what I needed as well as being in the right place at the right time in my opinion.

I appreciate being able to read and enjoy your story, review for you and help wherever I could, and get to know something about you through your writing. I'm glad you have a sense of humor.

When is the sequel coming? Please keep writing, you have a good imagination.

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