Happy New Year Me

01/01/12

Well here I am.

Day two of year two of my marriage.

This is the 8th year without my Mother.

My baby girl will turn 30 this year.

Those were the first three thoughts I had when thinking about the new year just now.  I wonder what else this year will bring.

Anyway, I do have some goals this year. 2011 was a hard year for me physically and emotionally.  I started my walk down the yellow brick road through menopause. It sucks. I had not spent much time thinking about what it would be like.  I feel like I have had the shit beat out of me.  I feel like I have been injured, I feel changed. I feel like I have aged 5 years in the past year.

It has caused me to think of my mortality. I mean REALLY think about it. I’ve spend most of my life being told how young I look, running around, taking my youth for granted. But I’ve been thinking back, and I can’t remember the last time someone told me I look younger than my actual age. Ahhh vanity :)

I look in the mirror now and feel a little disappointed. I could be better.

I’ve been telling myself that as long as I have been  judging my mirror image.

That is what I’m disappointed about actually. I’m disappointed in the fact that at my age, I still haven’t figured it out....

But I’m working on it, and I have some ideas. Not for you of course. This is for my “life’s” work.  I’m writing my story and that is the part I need to participate in.

I have lived a big part of my life.... almost all of it really... on auto. I let life happen to me.  I haven’t happened.  It has happened despite my efforts, not because of them.

2012 is going to be a good year for me. No matter what.  I am deciding that right now.  Who knows how long I have left in this body, with this family, in this era? I am here to learn something, it’s time to become a better student.

I don’t know all the changes I need to implement just yet, although I do know where to start.

I glance back at my 46 years, the things I’ve done wrong, right, and the things I turned my head to and ignored for whatever reason and just let happen TO my life.

I have discovered the secret to success.  I’ve spent a lot of time in 2011 reading self help books. At some point during the year I started noticing I was doing that. Why, I wondered? II couldn’t figure out what I was looking for, but obviously I was.

What my M.O. tends to be, if I may not like the answer, I tend to drop the question.

So that is my plan; I have questions for myself, and I need answers. In those answers is the secret to success.