The Things That Make Us

No matter how hard I try I can't make myself believe I am the only one in the world that has felt as I have. I know deep down in my heart that someone else has felt the pain of death and murder, I know someone out there has felt the inability to breathe. Someone on this planet someone has had the feeling that they will forever be alone, and the urge to harm someone that hurt a child. Many of these things can create the worst day of my life feeling, and leave us wondering if we will ever be able to carry on.

What happens when two or more of these things happens to us? I know someone who has. Hard to admit this person is me. I have seen death in the eye of a beloved friend, felt murder in my family from someone that was trusted, lost love in a way I hope nobody else ever sees. I have felt an elephant sit on my chest and want to just give up and die. I even wanted to take the life of a man that hurt my child.

In these stories that I plan to write I hope if read by anyone that maybe it will lead them to understand who I am and why I have become the person I am. Who that person is I don't even really know. I do know that I can be closed off, I can be an open book, I can be angry for no reason and then suddenly become the person the cries for the same unexplained reason. Talk about Bipolar. Yes that I am.

It took me years to except that I am ill. I still tend to push myself in areas I know I shouldn't. I may never be able to run 100 miles or climb the tallest mountain in Colorado, however knowing that will not stop me from trying. I will never be a size 2 but I will be loved by someone being the size I am. I may never let go of things in my past, but the things in history have made me who I am. I have grown to love that person.

I am strong, I am brave, I will never commit a crime, or take the life of anything. Not even the spider on the wall that stares at me when I watch T.V. I will never hurt a child. I will always cry when my child cries and tear up when a family member has a fatal illness. I will leave my dish in the sink till tomorrow and turn the lights off after I have been asleep for hours. I will listen to my cat purr and tell her she is crazy as she runs around my apartment. I will always try to outwork my fellow peers. These are all things that make me who I am and I will never stop doing them. I am sensitive and scary, and for some reason very proud of that.

With that being said I bid ado and will let my fingers rest until the next time my mind runs words into my fingers.

Carrie