Scar Wars: A Parody

A long, long time ago, in a galaxy somewhat (okay, not really) FAR, FAR away…

         The imperialistic forces of the evil Rice Choy and his army were attacking the planet Naglu. Desperate, Naglu sent out a distress letter to the planet Corosand, home of the intergalactic senate. However, the inhabitants of Naglu were cheap and only opted for the standard UPS ground shipping so it took the letter months to arrive. The message itself was decorated with flowers and the pink cursive lettering spelled out doom for Naglu if help did not arrive soon. Eager to solve this issue in the most peaceful way, the senate sent out their two fiercest, blood-thirsty Jedu Knights to calmly resolve the matter.

*************

         
         The two cloaked Jedu were led down a long hallway by several droid guards. They were on board the Rice Choy’s battle cruiser. The vessel itself was quite impressive; with rows of laser cannons, a fully stocked armory, and a Starbucks Coffee in the cafeteria. The Jedu had to agree that the ship was indeed more than capable of laying siege to the defenseless inhabitants of Naglu. Despite this however, the Jedu were not afraid. They had trained vigorously for many years, learning the ways of the Horse. The Horse was a mystical stallion that kept balance in the universe. All Jedu lived to keep this balance intact. For these two particular Jedu, keeping the balance meant stopping a Chinese food dish from unleashing his army of droids on a helpless planet.
         The shorter, inexperienced Jedu, lacking facial hair was named Obu Khan Cannoli. He was a newly appointed Jedu Knight and still had a lot to learn before he could become a master like his companion, Long-Gone Gin.
         Long-Gone was a battle-scarred Jedu who had trained Obu Khan in the ways of the Horse. He liked pie and was destined to die dramatically near the end of this story. But that’s okay, because his Jedu status and long flowing hair made him a total chick magnet.
         These two Knights were considered the greatest of all the Jedu warriors in their council on Corosand. It was only natural that they would be selected for such a dangerous mission that would lead them on a journey involving action, romance, and shameless comedy.
         Obu Khan and Long-Gone were led into small room by the droid guards.
         “I sense a disturbance in the Horse, master,” said Obu Khan, looking around the room.
         “Why do you say that my young Padafoot?” asked Long-Gone, curiously.
         “Well, those droids just ran out of the room laughing and locked the door behind them. Oh, and there’s gas leaking from that ventilation shaft over there,” Obu Khan replied.
         Long-Gone swiftly turned around, doing a perfect hair flip in the process, and noticed a puke green gas filling the room. Or, at least he assumed it was puke green. His own puke was very similar to the color.
         “Time to leave,” he said, trying to stifle any worry in his voice.
         Obu Khan sprang into action; he grabbed a chair and began pounding on the solid steel door. After a while, he gave up and settled for kicking it instead.
         Long-Gone shook his head and sighed. This newbie had a lot to learn.
         “Use your light saber you idiot!” he screamed as Obu Khan was preparing to ram the door with his head.
         Obu Khan looked up at his master. Of course! Light sabers were the primary weapon of any Jedu Knight. Their blades could cut through nearly any solid object.
         He took it from his hip and used the hilt to beat on the door some more.
         “No! Are you really that stupid? Cut through the door you worthless excuse for an apprentice!” Long-Gone hollered just as the gas began to reach his nostrils.
         Obu Khan worked furiously, hacking at the door with all his might. The finished product was a hole that resembled the Star Trek insignia, but we won’t get into that for fear of copyright infringement. He quickly leapt through the portal.
         Long-Gone however, had begun to feel the effects of the gas. Something burbled up in his throat, until he couldn’t contain it any longer. He began to laugh uncontrollably and fell to the ground.
         Laughing gas! Those fiends up in the control room had shown the Jedu no mercy.
         “Don’t worry, I’ll save you master!” yelled Obu Khan, feeling quite heroic.
         “Wait don’t-…” Long-Gone began. But it was too late.
         Obu Khan jumped into the room and fell straight to his knees; the effects of the gas had taken hold of him instantly. He giggled like a prepubescent girl.
         “What a moron…” Long Gone muttered in between chuckles.
         He reached into his cloak pocket and took out his ‘in-case-of-laughing-gas’ mask and slipped in front of his face. Afterwards, he climbed to his feet and pulled Obu Khan out of the room.


         Up in the battle cruiser’s control room, the Rice Choy cursed the Jedus’ good fortune.
         “Number One!” he barked.
         A droid guard stepped forward.
         “You have failed to kill those two Jedu as I specifically asked you to!” the Rice Choy screamed. Spittle splattered across the droid’s face.
         “Well if you ask me, it was a flawed plan to begin with. You wanted us to use laughing gas to kill them. What did you expect? They were going to giggle until they stopped breathing?” replied the droid sarcastically.
         “You! Because of that little outburst, I’m stripping you of your rank!” bellowed the Rice Choy.
         “No, please! I have a wife and three kids at home to feed! I really needed this job!”
         “You should have thought about that before you spoke out against your superior then! Now get out of my face!” screamed the Rice Choy in a tone of finality.
         The ex-Number One slumped out of the control room, a look of sorrow plastered on his cold, metal face.
         “Number Two, you are now in command,” said the Rice Choy, looking towards the droid on his right.
         “But I’m number seventeen...” began the startled droid.
         “Shut up! I said you’re in charge now!” shouted the Rice Choy. “I want you to send out… the destroyer drones”.
         A minor key was struck and suspenseful music began playing in the background.
         “Let’s see if those Jedu fools are strong enough to survive against the destroyers,” the Rice Choy said with a sinister smile on his face.


         “Thanks for saving me master,” said Obu Khan after the effects of the laughing gas wore off.
         “In all my years of teaching, you are by far the most incompetent…” Long-Gong began ranting.
         But he was cut short by the sound of rolling. Yes, rolling. The most evil type of rolling you could ever imagine; the kind that makes children wet themselves at night. 
         “Destroyer drones,” Long-Gone said grimly.
         Indeed, destroyer drones. They rolled around the corner in perfect unison.
         Obu Khan gasped. The drones standing in front of them were only two feet tall with pink armor.
         “I’ll handle this one master,” Obu Khan, stepping forward. He had no idea of the gruesome fate that awaited him.
         “Wait!” cried Long-Gone.
         Suddenly, the droids transformed, turning into towering eight foot giants. Their pink armor was replaced with sinister black armor sporting skulls.
         “Destroy Jedu,” one of them buzzed menacingly. 
         In response, Long-Gong drew his light saber, a fierce green blade.
         “Prepare to meet your end, you pieces of recycled garbage!” he bellowed.
         This insult angered the destroyers and one of them shot the saber from Long-Gone’s hand. 
         Long-Gone looked at his now empty hand in astonishment.
         “Right… plan B. We run!” cried Long-Gone, turning and fleeing down the corridor.
         Obu Khan followed, believing his master was the best strategist in the entire universe. Everyone knew that real men ran away from battles when the odds were against them. He smiled knowingly.
         They came onto the flight deck. There were many ships they could use to escape.
         “Master, should we hijack one of the fighters over there,” Obu Khan asked, pointing.
         “No, that’s exactly what they’ll expect us to do,” replied his master.
         “What about that hatch labeled ‘Escape Pod’” tried Obu Khan.
         “That’s obviously a trap my naïve apprentice,” chuckled Long-Gone, not knowing it actually was an escape pod.
         “What then?” asked Obu Khan.
         “See that cargo ship over there?” asked Long-Gone.
         “You mean the one that’s rusted and has ‘Out of Order’ painted on the side?”
         “That’s our ride,” said Long-Gone.
         Obu Khan did not know how to respond to such obvious good logic. He was in the presence of a genius.
         The two Jedu snuck inside the spacecraft and manned the controls. After a few attempts, the piece of cra... I mean ship, started up and slowly advanced down the runway. The Jedu ran over a group of droids, bashed into two other ships, and finally passed a ‘Come Back Soon!’ sign before taking off into the blackness of space. 
         “Well, that was painless,” Obu Khan said, trying to cover up the wet spot on his pants.
         “Our troubles are far from over,” replied Long-Gone, glancing at the gas meter. The pointer was on ‘E’ which must have meant: “Egad! You’re out of fuel!”
         “We’re going to have to land on Naglu,” Long-Gone said, turning towards his apprentice.”
         Obu Khan nodded slowly as Long-Gone piloted the ship downward, into Naglu’s atmosphere.
Suddenly, their ship caught on fire.

*************

Down on the surface of Naglu, a young child tugged on her mother’s hand.
         “Look mommy!” she squealed, point towards the sky. “A shooting star!”
         A glowing ball of fire passed over them. If you listened carefully, you could hear what sounded like two men screaming as it sailed off into the horizon.
         “Mommy! You’re going to miss it!” the child cried. “The shooting star was screaming for help!”
         “That’s nice dear,” the mother said, not paying any attention to her daughter.


Long-Gone desperately worked to land the ship as safely as possible.
“All right Obu Khan, we’re going to try a vertical landing,” said Long-Gone. “First, make sure the landing gear is up. We don’t need that getting in the way. Secondly, we must tilt the plane ninety degrees towards the sky so that we land on the butt of the plane.”
Obu Khan stifled a laugh. Long-Gone had said butt.
“Grow up,” Long-Gone said, giving him a firm look, a murderous firm look.
Long-Gone angled the ship so that its nose was towards the sky and began to decelerate. The plan landed smoothly… into a lake. The Jedu evacuated the aircraft and swam towards shore.   

TBC