groone thoughts

strange thought arise when i wake. sometimes i find myself facing the oppposite direction form where i origianly lay my head for my repose...sleep is my escape, i cound the hours to when i sleep. in my dream i see people i dont see anymore, i expereince visions and communication and contact, i experience love, i experience sex, all things i lack in my concious world....shall this be my destiny, to be alone, consistently alone, even when people are around i feel alone... in fact i feel lonelier when ther are people around... in social situation i have a problem with my face, i feel like a cant controle what it does, and i hate when people look at me as if thers some attraction...stop looking at me for fuck sakes, go fuck yourselves.. is what come to mind when these stranger stare at me...if they only knew what hides beneath the surface, what id buried deep. that wretchedness, these awful thoughts i have towards thos i love.what is man fascination with the occult.. me personaly am terified by all things occult, mainly becaus i dont want to attract anything to me, dont want anything latching on...it still interests me greatly tho....all the ancient astronomers and physics master of the past, galleleo copernacus davice, they were all involved in black arts, alchemy, the search for ultimate power. men were braver back then, i dont buy certain books for fear of something being attached to them, some negative energy or some unifinished busuiness.ther was a man who thought that lucifer was the hero fo the bible, he go against god authoritarian rule.. this holds creedence but i am too terrified to want to go further than that...i am a paranoid schizo..people don't realise that i'm normal but i just have strange idead sometimes.. ther are not differet versions of me but just odd emotional imbalences, its quite interesting actualy, i keep track of them all..encyclopedia of a deranged mind...i enjoy being this way, ordinary people have nothing to tell, thye don't know anything, they contribute nothing to the advancement of thought and knowledg, over the years the mentaly ill have been the greatest contributors to art and science. goes to show that at any time i can start writing gems...not today i guess