A story..yay

Rachel Williams wiped her feet before opening the door to the house she shared with her boyfriend, Nathan Morgan. The lights were off and the curtains were drawn closely, almost suspicously. She sighed, wanting nothing more but relief after a long day sitting up straight all day. She was an aspiring actress; she loved her job but it was demanding and the hours were long. She had been working in commercials for many many months, waiting for a chance for a tv role. She worked hard and loved the rush her challenges brought her. She slipped off her coat and turned the lights on. It was eerily quiet in their livingroom. "Nathan? I'm home. What are you doing?"
A few minutes of silence followed, but he soon appeared in the doorway, in his bathrobe.
His hair was still wet and his eyes were smiling at her. She sat down on the couch and rested her head on a cushion. "Hey, sweetie... how are you feeling?" he asked, sitting by her, grabbing up her feet in his lap. She sighed, yawning into her hands. "Oh, better, my cold is finally gone." He leaned in for a kiss and she met his lips; she knew the guilt in her throat wouldn't leave. She had faked a cold to get out of intimacy with her boyfriend; how pathetic could she be? She had to go along with her story, she couldn't make it clear she was starting to loath him. She cleared her throat, trying to sound froggy. "It still hurts though." He rubbed her feet affectionately, trying to mask his own sense of indignity toward her. This woman he loved was slipping through his grasp and he felt helpless to prevent the outcome. They were masters of disguising their issues. He jumped up and went to the kitchen. "Are you hungry? I can make you something," he offered, trying to keep the air clear before an argument could not be avoided; it always happened. She was uninterested; she just wanted to sit with him in a hardened silence like always. "No thanks, I already ate," she claimed, knowing full well she had been doing more than that. She had invited her friend, Grant Taylor to join her for a quick dinner before she came home, but how would Nathan know this if she kept her mouth shut? She felt guilty for what could seem like an innocent dinner; her emotions were out of control, but Nathan did not need the details of her guilt, she was the one who lived with it daily. Nathan stood in the kitchen for a few minutes, staring intently at his phone as it beeped, walking out of Rachel's sight, laughing softly to himself.
"Are you sure? It's no problem," he said, almost as if he was talking to himself; he hardly seemed invested in their chatter. Rachel rolled her eyes, thinking of Grant. Why are you in my head, Grant? I can't let you in, I am with Nathan, she told herself, trying to brush off her guilt.
Nathan continued to laugh; she could hear his adolescent amusement and right away she knew who was overtaking his hard-to-reach attention.

"Kelsey is more important than spending time with me? What are you talking about?" she asked, shifting her weight to stare into the kitchen. His fingers were flying and he didn't even look up. "It's nothing, she was asking me a question," he assured, putting his phone in his pocket before coming back to face Rachel.
Rachel sighed, ready for an emotional boxing match. Her guard was up, she was fed up with this charade. "I don't want to see you anymore. You're a waste of my time," Rachel blurted out, flushed with anger.
Sitting together on the blue loveseat they picked out together 3 years before, Nathan remained calm, knowing she couldn't possibly mean those words. 5 years together really couldn't be over this quickly, could it? "Nathan, we have grown apart. You're a jerk who only cares about your own selfish needs. I need you to step up and at least acknowledge what you do to me and you just go crazy and blame the fighting on me."
"Selfish? So who works 40 hours a week, 7 days a week to make sure you have what you want? Do I ever ask you for anything? What do you give up? Not a damned thing. You know why? Because I pamper you, you are spoiled and selfish and vindictive and you want me to pave your way."
She quickly fired back, "don't drag money into this. I work hard, too. I make my own money. I never asked for anything from you. You are a liar, you don't ever tell me what is really going on, you talk to other girls, you drink. You act like I am nothing but a big waste of your time and you make me feel like scum, especially when you go out and tell the world how horrible your life is, that you're so desperate to get away from the girl you say is sucking the life out of you. But it's okay, you can do all the things you do, you can drink yourself into a stupor and 'almost' make out with your friends' girlfriends, that's okay, because you work so damned hard at making the rest of the world see nothing but your facade, your cute little face that hides your lies."
Nathan was crushed, overtaken by sadness. His anger remained, festering in his chest like a loaded gun waiting for a target. Above all else, she was still the love of his life; she was Rachel. He reached out to touch her, hoping to calm her down. She was the opitome of his existance. She just stared through him, cold. She yanked his hand away, folding her arms in defiance. The anger in her eyes pounced at him and he couldn't stop himself from what he needed to say. Not anymore.
"Rachel, I am very sorry but we are both at fault here. Maybe I do get angry, maybe I do say a lot of mean things. I do drink and do stupid things. I call you names. But you are always ragging on me, pressuring me to do exactly what you want and when you want it. I am not your crutch. I am tired of how you refuse to grow a backbone. I am sick and tired of feeling like I am your parent. I am your boyfriend, not your free ticket in life! You're constantly whining about what I do wrong, but you refuse to go to counselling with me. You're always having a temper tantrum. You're a selfish brat."
Rachel, horrified by what she was hearing, stood up and raced for the door.
"I'm a brat? You want a temper tantrum?" In one swift motion with her arm, she lunged at the lamp sitting by their front door, smashing it into a million pieces. Nathan instinctively stood to his feet, running toward her. Enraged, he got up in her face. He kept his hands to himself; he had to keep himself from spiralling out of control. "This is exactly what I am saying! All we do is fight. I scream, you break things. You're a bitch, do you know that?" Rachel's golden brown eyes glared into him, kicking the floor in rage. "You're a jerk! I am so sick of this!" Nathan, realizing how close they were coming to a physical altercation, backed off, trying to find some sense of civility. "Whatever. Do what you want. I am staying here. Maybe when you're done breaking everything we own, we can talk like adults."
Rachel took a deep breath, watching Nathan slump down heavily onto the loveseat. He put his head in his hands and shook his head repeatedly. "I'm sure one of your skanks would be happy to come and comfort you. I need to go, do something else, be by myself," she said, not be able to control what was now a tearful breakdown. Nathan jumped up from the couch and blocked the door before she could even touch the doorknob. "You're not leaving, we are not done here. What are you talking about?"
"Let me leave, now. I can't be here." Standing this closely together proved to be too hard for her; she put her hand over his grip on the doorknob. "Rachel, what the hell are you talking about? Now I'm cheating on you? You're delusional and you need help, seriously." He was so close, she could feel the heat of his breath on her forehead. He stood over 6 foot tall; she was a modest 5'4. He could easily overpower her if he wanted to. However, this is not what he wanted; he wanted some sanity to resinate through the chaos, some sense that this could be handled maturely. She snorted, pushing past him in a frenzied attempt to make an exit. "You don't love me anymore. Are you sleeping with your new girlfriend? You call her every day. Who is Kelsey? She is always calling you and not once have I heard one word about her. She is one of many skanks you thread along. I don't know who she is but she is the problem here."
Nathan had explained who she was a thousand times but Rachel never listened. He had developed a friendship with Kelsey Bishop over the last few months while he and Rachel were having issues. Kelsey was a coworker, nothing more. She was kind to him when he needed someone to talk to. Nathan knew that Rachel was not naive; the circumstances were suspicious; yes he did talk to Kelsey every day, yes she was flirty, but he was not sleeping with her. He had not been emotionally available when Rachel needed him to be, because he was too busy trying to keep Kelsey at arms length so he would not compromise his loyalty to Rachel. Kelsey never made it easy to be loyal, but she never tried to take him away. Nathan had created this mess, but Rachel also fueled the fire. He dared not bring up what she was doing to him behind his back (or at least that is what she thought; he knew everything) but he could not stop himself from blurting out everything like a bloody wound that refused to heal. "Grant sure seems available when you want to cry, bitch and moan about me. You call him every day. Oh, remember that time you say he just happened to show up and 'kiss' you? Give me a break! If I am so horrible to you, why not go find him and slobber all over him and slander me. It seems to work well for you; you claim no responsibility for your own actions, yet are so quick to throw me under the bus when I haven't even cheated on you. Kelsey is my friend and if this annoys you so much, go whore it up with Grant. He sure seems willing and ready to help destroy what we commited to. Just remember that Grant is just another pawn in your game to hurt me, because it has happened so many times I forget why I allow myself to be open to loving a person who so readily forgets the very reasons why we ever loved each other in the first place!" Nathan stormed out of the room, knocking over pictures that had been so perfectly placed on their walls; so innocent at one point in time, now tainted with the allegations of cheaters and liars and the undenialable reality that this was probably the closing chapter of a 5 year bond.

Rachel stood in stunned, unmoving silence, anger overtaking her every emotion. She slumped to the floor and cried for a moment, her mind racing with thoughts of what was once the happiest part of her life. She sat for a while, listening for any signs of motion coming from the kitchen where Nathan had escaped to. Wiping her eyes, she stood, not grabbing anything but her purse before slamming the door shut.
Rachel climbed in her car, sobbing uncontrollably. She was parked outside their house, but she could not find the motivation to start the engine and leave. Nathan made her feel this way often, but this time she couldn't find the strength to get past her anger, her resentment toward him. She found herself doubting even her love for him. She could admit to herself that she was also guilty of betraying him, but her stubbornness controlled her ability to admit her defeat, her guilt. She grabbed a tissue, fumbling with her purse in search of her phone. One missed phone call. She snorted. Nathan's number sat there like a taunt; just another reminder of her problems. She punched in a different number, hoping her best friend had time to comfort her. "Becca, pick up, pick up the damn phone!" Her tears were blurring her vision, and her nose started to run. She looked into her mirrors; looking back at her was someone she could not deal with, someone angry, bitter and obsessed with her misery. Her mascara was smeared; veins popped out of her forehead like a garden. She let the phone ring 4 times and slammed it down on the passenger's seat. Resting over the steering wheel of her car, she wished she could fix the mess she took part in creating. Drowsiness overtook her and she let herself close her weary eyes, hoping that when they once again opened, the mess would grow its own legs and go inside and apologize to Nathan for her.

Chapter 2
Rebecca Taylor was Rachel's closest friend, her backbone when she was in trouble. They had met when they were just children; they were classmates, college roommates, the most that two friends could be for one another. Rebecca, whom everyone called Becca, was intelligent, quirky and pretty good at setting Rachel straight when she needed some sense of sanity. Becca was also friends with Nathan Morgan; she was even present when Rachel and Nathan met 5 years before. She was partially responsible for their unity; she had set the two up on a blind date. Becca was also throwing herself into acting; she and Rachel were naturals in front of the cameras. She met Nathan on the set of a tv show that had flopped; he was a cameraman. They instantly bonded over the experiences their very different jobs gave them and were somehow always able to make their friendship work despite their very different directions in life. Becca was always the girl that was friends with everyone she knew; she knew few people who disliked her. She was the one bringing cheery, comical relief to those she cared about. She was internally optimistic; Rachel relied on her everlasting, untainted innocence for her own strengh. Rachel was exactly the opposite of her best friend, yet she loved every quirky little thing about Becca.

Becca awoke to several beeps coming from her phone, glancing at the clock by her bedside. It was past 10:30 and she had miss calls? She rubbed her tired eyes, yawning at her phone. Rachel had called her 3 times in the last hour. She made herself comfortable in her bed, snuggling under the covers cozily, waiting for Rachel to pick up.

"Hello?" Echoed a disheveled Rachel. "Becca?"

"Hey sweetie, what's the matter?" She knew better than to ask; Rachel always had a new story to represent her with and it was always entertaining, even in all the chaos.

"I'm so sorry to call you when I know you went to bed. I know you were with your agent all day, I'm so sorry, it's such a mess, we yelled at each other-"

Becca sat up, throwing the covers off. She put on her slippers and waited for Rachel to do as she always did; ask Becca to stay up half the night with her, crying about Nathan. She was used to this; this had been routine for a year now.

"Rachel, what happened? Nathan didn't do anything stupid, did he?" she asked, hoping against hope Nathan was smart enough not to lay a hand on Rachel.
"No, we screamed and yelled and I accused him of cheating and he said I was a whore, oh Becca I think it is finally over; I really hurt his feelings this time."

Becca was always in a tight spot; her loyalty remained biased toward the two people in her life she cared deeply about. She treaded carefully when discussing their relationship issues. She was ready for any kind of response, hoping she wouldn't make Rachel too angry. Her honesty could almost be a flaw sometimes; she was honest to a fault.

"Rachel, to be fair, you've been hurting him for a while now; you keep talking to Grant. If he was not my little brother, I would have already kicked his ass for planting himself into your personal business."
There was a few moments of silence; Becca hoped Rachel was actually taking this into consideration this time. She had been trying to put a wedge between her little brother and Rachel ever since they became friends. It wasn't ethical or right in the eyes of Becca; she was a one man kind of girl, although she remained single. She did the best she could to be a strengthing pillar for Rachel, but Rachel seemed more interested in stretching her trust to the limit.

"Becca, Nathan isn't innocent either. He is still friends with Kelsey and I know she is not the only one he talks to. I only talk to your brother because he treats me like a person. He is supportive, sweet, rational..." Rachel trailed off, still obviously crying. "He is so wonderful to me-" Becca just had to cut her friend off; she was a little shaken by what she was hearing.
"Of course he is, he knows he can weasel his way into your life because you are vulnerable and troubled. He sees an open door and you know why? You keep leaving that door open because you can't swallow your pride, give Nathan the benefit of the doubt and talk to him. Nathan is your boyfriend, not Grant. Grant means well, but he should know that you're not stable enough to make a decision like this right now."

Rachel's muffled cries resounded through the phone, slightly annoying Becca. She felt like she was dealing with a younger sister, not 24 year old woman. Rachel had allowed her relationship troubles to overshadow all reason and sanity as of lately and even Becca found it hard to swallow her pride and mother her friend through her problems.

"Becca, how much does Nathan tell you? He barely talks to me unless we are arguing or trying to pretend we borderline love each other. I am afraid of knowing what he has done with Kelsey, what he plans on doing and what they talk about."
Becca hated the direction this conversation was going in, knowing that if she were to continue, she would leave an opening for betrayal to Nathan and possibly the end of their 10 year friendship. She sighed, still wanting to help Rachel find some resolution in this, some reason to calm down and realize she could actually fix her mistakes if she actually gave it a try.
"Rachel, Nathan has made many mistakes, but I know that he loves you very, very much. He is also pulled in different directions because he feels like he cannot talk to you. So people like Kelsey become available and he jumps at the chance to let her coddle his emotions. He can't get past the fact that you kissed my brother." Becca cringed; she knew she had ignited a cannon ball and it was headed right toward her.
Rachel instantly jumped on the defensive bandwagon; the pessimistic behavioral craft she was honing seering through her words.

"Grant kissed me! How can he not see that? Becca, you of all people have to believe that I am not sleeping around on Nathan. I love him. I really want to be with him even if he has feelings for someone else."
Becca kept herself from lashing out, almost laughing at the irony of their conversation.

"Rachel, I just told you he loves you. He has made mistakes, but he loves you. Even after what Grant did. He will forgive you if you just admit what happened. I mean what really happened between the two of you."
Rachel's heavy breathing seemed to disappear for a moment, making Becca wonder if she had hung up the phone. This unneeded silence was beginning to get on Becca's nerves.

"What exactly has he done? Please tell me he didn't cheat on me. Please, please tell me I am wrong and that I am being a lunatic here-" her voice cracked into an uncontrolled sob, one Becca knew couldn't be fixed with what she knew she had to keep from Rachel.
Telling her the truth about Nathan would shatter her life and ruin her friendship with him forever; she had to be the protector; it had become the main consistancy in this mess. She had to keep her mouth shut. Nathan would have to reveal his mistakes to Rachel himself. Becca knew it was not her place to open her big, fat mouth, as much as it ached her to see Rachel in so much pain.

"To be completely fair, you haven't been faithful either. If you do the same thing twice, it is no longer a mistake, Rachel. My brother is getting way too invested in this himself. He cares about you to the point where he is nothing but an interference in the mechanics of your relationship with Nathan. I've told him he needs to stop, but hey, it's not my place to care about so many people's feelings at once and protect them all at once without losing any of their friendships! Ohh, I forgot. It is now! What was I thinking?"

Becca's sarcasm was more than an obvious testament to her annoyance; she wanted out of their drama, but hadn't the heart to tell anyone she wanted to wash her hands of them and live her own life.

Rachel's voice was obviously cracking with anger, but Becca was resilient; she knew how to handle Rachel. She loved her, but she would not be a doormat for the dirt Rachel seemed to be tracking everywhere.
"Becca, I need to know what Nathan is doing to me. I want to know if I need to walk away for good. I love him but if this is it for us, I need to know."

Becca took her slippers off, climbed back into bed and curled up in her covers. She was now exhausted, ready to close her eyes and hang up.

"Ask Nathan. I am not the middleman anymore. I love you very much, but I can't sort your dirty laundry anymore. Goodnight."

She felt good about her last words to Rachel, clicking the phone off as her mind wandered off into dreamland.

Chapter 3

Rachel awoke to a stiff neck, numb arms and a rapping sound echoing in her ear. She rubbed her eyes, puzzled by her surroundings. She obviously went to sleep in her car, sitting up overnight; she looked down at her own drool on her steering wheel. She used the elbow of her sweat shirt to wipe it off, followed by the puddle on her mouth. She rubbed her eyes, staring around awkwardly for a moment. The rapping on the window belonged to a very red eyed, messy haired, exhausted Nathan.
He had a very saddened smile pasted on his face.
He gave her a little wave; she couldn't help but crack a small smile at him.
He opened the door and reached his hand out toward her and helped her out of the car. She rested her head on his shoulder, for a moment feeling like things were back to normal. He wrapped his arms around her and they remained in place for what seemed like an enternity to Rachel. "I fell asleep in my car," she mumbled, hoping the worst was over. He held her, running strands of her hair through his fingers.
"I went ridiculous on you. I should have come out here to get you, but I was scared of how angry I was. I didn't want to do anymore damage. This whole thing is so messed up. I'm sorry."

Rachel tried not to cry; crying always got her in so much trouble. The tears she began to taste were almost sweet; she was relieved to hear an apology. Her pride would now allow her to mutter her own apology. Regardless of his reaction, she swallowed the isolation she had clung to, the desperation of the blame game. She was too tired to be anything but sorry. Fighting every day was making her physically sick.

"You are right, I am nothing but a spoiled piece of crap. I'm sorry. I don't deserve you," she blurted out, actually meaning the words flying out of her mouth.

He smiled through his own groggy tears, letting go of her to lead her back inside. It was a beautiful Saturday morning; neither one was scheduled to work until Monday. Spending the weekend together was what Rachel had previously written on her calender and she hoped he had the same idea.

They plopped on the couch together, still holding onto each other. Nathan stared into her eyes, kissing her forehead. "You're the most beautiful woman I have ever known. I am the jackass who keeps trying to sabotage the best thing I have in my life. I am sorry."

Rachel smiled weakly, completely exhausted and achy from the uncomfortable position she remained in all night. She had spent many nights sleeping in her car; it had become apart of their routine. She wanted to believe what he was saying to her, but she honestly had to consider the fact that they would be at each other's throats again by the end of the day.

"I am a jealous nutcase for thinking horrible things of you, Nathan. I am sorry for treating you like dirt. I just want to be completely civil and honest. Honesty is important to me."
She was lying about the last part. She knew her track record with the truth was sketchy and blotchy with guilt ridden mistakes, but she ignored those feelings temperarily, hoping to put him on the spot.
She watched his face for any signs or reactions; she wanted to test his sensitivity to the word neither of them truly seemed to know the meaning of.

He quickly removed himself from the couch, almost jogging to the kitchen, nearly tripping over his bathrobe. "You hungry? I'm starved. I want pancakes... are pancakes good? With chocolate chips?"

She could sense the nervousness in his voice, the tension in his every move, the way his lips curled under the pressure of every cute little lie seeping from his pores. She blinked at him, hoping his nervous behavior would result in the truth she so desperately wanted to hear. If he opened up his suitcase of lies, she would willingly open her closet of skeletons. The tricky part would be getting him so uneasy that he caved under the pressure. Their eyes were in a deadlocked gaze, her eyes never faultering, never swaying from his.
"Sure, sweetie," she replied, hopeful that she would soon crack the code to his mysteries. He went about the kitchen, quickly whipping up their breakfast.

Without any further reply, she slithered out of the livingroom, ready for a shower and some clean clothes. She needed to start this day on a good note; a little lipstick couldn't hurt her either. She opened the french doors leading to their bedroom, noticing right away that the bed was still unmade.
She rolled her eyes, ignoring the array of clothes and magazines spread across the floor. He never made the bed. She sneered to herself when she reached across the covers to pull them over. She hadn't slept in the bed next to him in almost a week. His unkept habits disgusted her. She was constantly cleaning up after him. She picked up the magazines and threw them on the bed.
His cellphone was sitting ever so politely on the edge of the head-board, as if taunting her to snoop through it. She could not deny to herself that she wanted to, but she decided that she at least wanted a hot shower and a pancake before another storm began to brew.
She skimmed through the closet, grabbed some jeans and a pink cami and closed the bathroom door behind her, the curiousity of the lonely cellphone beginning to plant a vengeful, hateful thought in her devious head.

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Nathan cut into his chocolate chip pancake, trying to stay level-headed. Rachel was not stupid; he knew that she knew he was not being completely honest with her. She was waiting for the chance to pounce on him and he would do whatever he could to keep his guard up. He chewed very slowly, listening for any signs of his estranged girlfriend, the one he still loved but somehow did not trust anymore. He glanced around, looking for his cellphone. Damnit. It was still on the bed and she was in the bathroom. He remained seated, almost hoping he would finish his breakfast before she could come back. He grabbed a stray newspaper off the table, trying to seem even remotely interested in the dribble on the front page. Before he could even finish chewing another mouthful, there was a tap on the front door. If it was Kelsey, he was as good as dead in Rachel's eyes.

He rolled his eyes, his heart almost racing..

He raced to the door, peering through the peephole. A bright eyed, smiling Becca stood there ready to greet him. His heart rate went back to normal, silently thanking God that it was definitely not Kelsey. Her smile was genuine, her eyes were merciful toward him. He opened the door for Becca, giving her a quick embrace. He then sighed, giving her a gesture inside. She made herself at home, like she always did, grabbing herself a plate out of a cabinet. "How are you?"
He rolled his eyes, almost smirking. He chewed a few more bites of the remainder of his pancakes, watching Becca sit down directly across from him.

"Exhausted, paranoid, angry. You know, the usual."

She playfully plucked a chocolate chip out of her pancake, almost giggling at him.
"I see someone isn't sleeping in her car," she added off-handedly, waiting for his reaction. He just nodded, otherwise motionless and expressionless.
"She's in the shower. We're okay today. No fighting yet. How is your morning going? Seen your prick of a brother lately?"

Becca gave him an insincere glare, in hopes of quickly changing what would turn into an explosive conversation if words were not chosen wisely. "He's keeping himself busy. He works, takes care of my niece, you know how it goes."
Nathan coughed heavily, sarcastically, always angry at Grant's very existance. "What happened to his wife? She left him or died trying, right?"
Becca couldn't help but scoff in his direction, feeling like his back-handed comments were anything but helpful or civil, but she just glared at him in hopes that he would keep his rash opinions to himself.

"They divorced years ago, you already know this, Nathan." She tried to smile through the tension, waiting for his next taunt, his next angle.

"So now he has all the time in the world to woo my woman...what an ass..." Nathan purposely trailed off, afraid of the hatred already building up in his chest.

"Nathan, Rachel isn't in love with my brother. She loves you. I love you, man, but you're not Mister perfection yourself, you know."

Nathan jerked upward to stare angrily into Becca's eyes, as if to warn her to back off. Becca almost giggled, amused with the fact that she was in control of this conversation, even of his reactions. Rachel could appear through the door any minute and it would be his ass in the line of fire, not hers. She put the fork down, continuing their staring contest, confident that he would watch his words.

"I can't tell Rachel the truth about Kelsey and I, she would never forgive me."

Becca laughed at him, getting up from the table. She ran her hands over cool running water, placing her dish in the sink. "She can't forgive you for something she knows nothing about."

Nathan sighed in his anger, wishing Becca wasn't always so right about everything. They remained silent for awhile, as Becca continued to stare into his eyes, pressuring him to crack. Nathan contemplated his next move, wondering what his next strategy would be.

"It is just impossible to have friends that are females without the possibilities of an attraction sparking between the two. Don't you agree, Becca?"

Becca vigoriously contemplated such a claim, amused by the engagement of his conversational pull.

"That is one of the best excuses you've ever made. So it's just a force of nature that is absolutely uncontrollable, so therefore when you're lured into its trap, the outcome of your actions isn't your fault because it was going to happen all along? Give me a break, dude... not even you believe that bullshit."

Nathan sat back in his chair, flushed with annoyance, all the while knowing full well he couldn't play head games with Becca. Still he tried, hoping one day his lies would correct themselves so that he would not have to swallow his own pride. Rachel had a way of creeping into his sub-conscious and she plagued his thoughts day and night.

"The truth is, I am a liar. The truth is, we've both been alienated from one another. I act like an ass and I know it only fuels her decisions to fight me for the last word. I know I've pushed her away because it is so much easier than trying to find the solution," Nathan summarized, staring at Becca miserably. Her eyes were wide and she was ready for what felt like the millionth therapy session between the two of them. This is what she did; she was everyone's crutch. She bit her lip in amusement. It feels so nice to be needed, she told herself contently.

"As much fun as it would be placing the blame on Kelsey, I am calling you on your bullshit. Nathan, Kelsey isn't your problem. You are. You want to be with Rachel? Then grow a pair and be with her. Tell Kelsey you're no longer interested and get the hell out of there, dude. Rachel is an amazing person who deserves the common decency of knowing she is being slighted. She deserves better than who you have become. Grow up!"

Nathan cringed in his seat, uncomfortable with the truth staring him down. He wanted to scream; breaking something sounded a lot easier than muttering apologies. "I do stupid things when I drink."
Becca laughed, scoffing at his immaturity. "You do stupid things, period. The drinking didn't make you unfaithful. You made that choice. I am not saying Rachel is innocent. We can all agree on that, believe me. If you can't acknowledge your guilt, you can't even begin to ask Rachel for her forgiveness."

He sighed, grief-stricken thoughts racing throughout his mind. He was humiliated by his own doing and he couldn't even shed a tear over his behavioral immaturity. His shoulders sagged down and he laid his head on the table.
"I am ashamed of myself. Rachel doesn't know anything about Kelsey, or how often we talk, where we go, what we do and when.. she knows nothing."

"I know nothing about what?"
Nathan sat up straight, changing his demeanor at the sound of her crackly voice, turning bright red from the embarassment of it all. Becca remained silent, (for once) and turned her head just in time to see a freshly washed and clothed Rachel, looking as beautiful as the day Nathan had met her. She was now burning a hole through him with her curiousity; her fists were clenched at her side. Her head was tilted toward him, watching his every move. She was ready for warfare of the craziest kind.

Chapter 4

Rachel lingered in his peripheral vision, her eyes twinkling with both animosity and amusement. Becca felt the awkwardness in the air, trying to play it off with her goofiness, like always. "I think I'm just gonna go, uh, somewhere and... yeah. I'm leaaaaving now." She vanished into their house, leaving them to revel in their toxic silence. Nathan tried to smile, but the intensity of Rachel's facial expression quickly guaranteed him that he would choke on the smoke her eyes were blowing.
She threw his cellphone at him, hitting his shoulder as he fumbled to retrieve it.

"First things first. You're a liar. Are you done lying now? Then maybe we can talk. You have like 50 text messages from Kelsey. What is going on here?"

Nathan knew to tread carefully, but he just didn't care about what he said; it never seemed to make a difference in any given situation regardless.

"I am tired of lying to you. I am tired of the games we play. Aren't you?"

Rachel rolled her eyes. His attempts at playing down a situation with his cute smile were falling flat with her at this point. His smile used to comfort her in times when facing the truth made her blue in the face, but this had to end right now.

"This is about you right now. Kelsey is not just your friend. Kelsey is under the impression that we are no longer together. I read her messages. At first I thought she was just some skankoid trying to elbow me out of the way, until I read more, and more... she really has no idea about you and I. And why is that? Because you're a piece of shit liar, that's why... hmm, that is interesting, " she stopped for a moment to make sure their eyes were locked. "Kelsey seems nice, like an innocent victim in this situation. How long have you really been talking to her? What have you done with her? I want so much to believe that in spite of every dick-headed thing you've done, I can find reasons why I still love you, but so far you're not impressing me."

Nathan sat stunned, taken aback by her words, wishing he could snake his way through her increasingly unshakable confrontations as he always found a way to do, but the guilt was starting to smother him, and he rather enjoyed oxygen.

"I met Kelsey a year ago, right after our problems started. She is a jobless, college dropout who lives with her mom. She and I became friends pretty quickly. I did tell her about you. I told her how much I love you. I told her that you and I were rock solid. Now look at us. You're literally shaking out of this crazy jealousy, look at yourself. You're not so innocent yourself. Anyway, I know this is about me. She was under the impression we broke up because when our problems started, all I did was complain about how I was losing you to problems we could never seem to fix. It still applies right now," he said, hoping that Rachel would sit with him at the kitchen table.

Her arms were crossed, shaking in place; her lips were quivering, but she never deterred from her position, the same hatred burning in her eyes.

"Don't try to kiss my ass. I know that you did something with her. Admit it right now or I am out of here, and to be honest, I might not come back."

"Please, please don't leave," he said, trying not to have a mental breakdown right in front of her. "She kissed me and I reciprocated once she came onto me."
Rachel felt devastated, but her own guilt was knocking on the door of her heart, demanding she also tell the truth for the first time in a year. "You only kissed her?"

"This was before I found out about you and Grant. After I was told about what you did, I was very angry and upset... and I went to her. We were together a couple of times. Rachel, please know that even though I screwed up, I was so overcome with anger that this was simple backlash. I never would have done that with her if you hadn't kissed Grant."

Rachel glared at him, pounding her fist right next to where his arms rested on the table.
"So that was validation that you weren't actually crushing me into pieces by sleeping with her? Grant kissed me! Maybe I didn't fight him off, maybe I should have walked away. But what I did was out of rage and resentment toward you because we were slipping away from one another and I needed a friend. I never slept with him!"

Nathan felt indisputable shame weighing on his chest, mixed with the reminents of his hurt and the unwavering feeling of being crushed under the weight of her gaze.

"It's not validation. This is my explanation for contributing to the collapse of our relationship. I am an idiot. What else can I say? I am ashamed of myself. Please forgive me."

An instant rush of hope and peace began to rush through his veins, because for once, he was actually truly sorry for the damage he had inflicted on Rachel. He forced himself to once again lock gazes with Rachel, seeing only the beautiful person that she was, the love that she had once given him. He stared at the sadness of her angry tears, blinking back his own tears; his mind raced back to the precious innocence she used to ooze, wishing, wanting her intimacy once more. All he wanted was her, in all her desperation and dispair. He smiled to himself, still seeing her for the first time in his mind, the way her hair kept getting in her face; her cheeks were always so rosy, her eyes magnetising. The essence of perfection. She snapped her finger, awakening him from his daydream.

"Nathan, I want to. I really do. I can't process this right now, I still can't fathom how you could do this to me... I want to believe you. But all we do is lie to each other and I honestly can't believe that you're sorry without any doubts in my mind. I think we need to separate right now and think things through before we kill each other."
Rachel was tired of standing, tired of ranting, physically drained. Her legs were wobbling, her hands were shaking from the anxiety; she felt like the room was spinning around her.
Nathan stood to his feet, reaching out to help her sit down, but she jerked away from him. She moved her chair away, stumbling awkwardly to sit straight up. Nathan shrugged from the frustration, holding onto the hope he still felt, knowing he was likely to fail.

"Separating is going to solve what? I think you forget that you also cheated on me. Do you know how that feels? I would feel less pain if you stuck a knife in my back right now. The image of what you did races through my head every second I close my eyes. Everytime I see you, I think of you with him and it makes me want to kill him. The rage is excruciating, the pain enrages me into a frenzied state of mind, something that scares even me. Do you understand that kind of hurt? That is what you have done to me."

Rachel did understand, even in the sea of emotions, even with the anger she held so close. Her betrayal was identical to his and no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't justify anything she had ever said or done to hurt him. Nathan was slumped in his seat, steadfast in the pitiful state now overtaking him. His eyes were begging her for something, for anything. She had never known him to react so strongly to things; he never displayed emotions, never cried. Sitting across from her was a broken man, someone so guilt-ridden and beaten down she couldn't see past the flood of tears now on his face.

"Nathan, this isn't good for either one of us. Look at you. I am sorry, but I can't see you so upset. It kills me looking at what I've done. I am sorry. I know that what I am saying isn't going to magically change this. I am very sorry, but with how much damage we've done to each other, is it even possible to go back to what we were? If all you see in me are my mistakes, then I am not good for you anymore. When I look at you, I am so stung that I can't even make forgiveness conceivable right now."
Nathan, embarassed he was crying, quickly wiped his face clear, trying to ignore the burning numbness from the flood of emotion. He stood to his feet, but found himself falling to the floor next to her chair. He wanted to touch her, to feel her embrace, but she stiffened up, cold to the very core. She couldn't let him inside, not now. She needed her space, to feel like she could silently grieve, to react how she needed to.

"I'm sorry, Rachel. I love you so much. I can get past my hurt, eventually. I will give it all up to be with you again. Please, please don't leave me."
Rachel tried to keep herself composed as she stood to her feet. He was curling up into a ball; the sting of such a sight made her want to vomit. She had to leave before she changed her mind. " You need to be alone right now. I can't be here... Goodbye, Nathan," she trailed off, regretting only that Nathan was still crying like a child. She was sickened that he couldn't keep it together the way she was. She forced herself to walk to the door, grabbing only her car keys. Nathan never raised his head up, mumbling unintelligible noises. She shook her head, trying to hide her horror and frustrations with him.
She shut the door behind her, trying to blink away the images of Nathan before she herself had a mental breakdown. This time when her car started, she was out of there faster than lightning, all the while choking down her guilt for deserting him.