Scars

Relationships, break ups, drama, appearance, and communications.
I wish.
These are not the burdens in my life.
I understand they can be hard.
But I have gotten used to seven people all in my head.
Seven people
Seven personalities
Seven names
Seven opinions
Seven different voices
Seven different needs
Seven different dreams
Seven different goals
Seven different people shouting
All At once
While one wants a rampage;one wants peace
While one wants to talk, one refuses
While one wants love, one wants hate
While one wants to rest, one does not
While one wants good grades the other does not.
While one starves, one does not
While one wants kind deeds, one does not.
While one wants something, another denies it.
They will argue in my head
Their harmful words flinging across my brain
I am caught right in the
Mid.dle
Taking sides is hard when you listen to both
Both are right
And yet both are wrong.
Orange wants freedom and crime.
Blue does not. Blue wants contact and safety. Red does not.
Red wants rampage violence and screaming. Red has schizophrenia. Red wants anger. Purple does not.
Purple wants creativity manners and happiness. Green does not. Green wants to be left a lone and let everybody do the work. Indigo does not.
Indigo wants everything done his way. Indigo does not like others. Yellow disagrees.
Yellow loves everybody. Yellow is bubbly.
They are all so different.
When they are all in my head it causes lots of arguments.
These voices can do much damage. Orange has told me to run away. Red has told me to kill myself.
One time.
Two times.
Three times.
Four times.
Red has told me to cut
One
Two
Thirteen times
Thirteen scars
2 burn marks.
Green has made me fail
Indigo has turned people against me.
Blue has made me weak and vulnerable to bullies.
BtI cn't lve w th t my vcs.
Just like vowels. I love my colors in my head.
Purple has helped me with everything. Indigo has kept me productive, yellow has kept me happy blue has kept me safe, orange has kept me daring.
I am sorry to say this poem goes on.
As I have traveled a very rugged life.
I have never once liked being adopted.
Not knowing who gave me the gift of life.
Not knowing the family I was meant to be put with.
Not knowing anything about the people that love me the most.
Not knowing the reason
Not knowing my history
Not knowing my birth date
Not knowing myself.
I had never once liked not having one ear.
I had never once liked being raped
One
Two
Three
Many
Times. Not raped by a stranger a uncle or a friend.
I was raped by the person I thought I was closest to.
My brother and I played a game
I take my underwear off
He takes his off
We crawl under the covers of my parents bed
Say
"ohh, and ahh"
"That is the sound people make when they have babies"
I say them. I do not like it
He continues to talk with his hot breath against my skin
I sweat
Covers
Under
As a four year old this was not unusual
I don't know the difference.
It was okay.
It was play time
I never knew it was bad.
When I was nine
Spankies
Spanking my butt like a boy would do to a girl
Like a husband would to to his wife
Like a rapist would do to his sister
Camping out in a tent
alone together
All it was
Spankies
He called it a spankies party
I could not go back inside when I had to go to the bathroom
When I wanted a drink
He watched me pee in the woods
That night his body and his breath was even hotter
His skin against.mine
It did not stop
He saw a flashlight shine
"pretend to sleep"
I pretended and hid his
Dirty
Disgusting
Sick
Horrid
.secret.
He would give me prizes and gifts for when I did those
My whole childhood
Just a sex game
I did not know that.
I knew it as good
I knew it as normal
I have never once liked the surgeries I had.
To find the 5 years of painful surgeries has not done a thing.
One
Two
Three
Major surgeries.
Hospital room with tubes running running running running running running
from the inside of my scalp across the room.
The surgeons had cut through my abdomen muscle.
I could not laugh. It hurt
I could not talk. It hurt
I could not eat. It hurt
I could not breathe. It hurt too.
Worst of all. I could not cry for help.
I could not walk stand or see anyone for three months.
I missed my friends
I missed my teachers
I missed my dog.
The only thing I was able to do was sit in the basement
Watching
Re
Re
Re
Reruns and recordings
Reruns and recordings

I have been bullied.
Lots
Lots
Lots of
Times
Times
Times.
DEAF.DUMB.STUPID.MEAN.RUDE.PUSSY.
I cannot finish the list.
Red was getting mad.
Red does not like this.
Go away red.
I am writing.
Mother and I don't have a good relationship. I am called names. She calls me
Mean
She calls me
Unclean
She calls me
Rude
She calls me
Creepy
She calls me
Hurtful hurtful words.
I cannot speak up to her.
She pushes me
Right
Back
Down
Dad I am not happy with either.
I am not dumb dad. I'm smart.
All my dad does is
Sit
Sit lay down
Sit lay down watch tv
Sit lay down watch tv scream at us
Sit lay Down Watch tv scream at us gain weight.
Sit lay down watch tv scream at us gain weight complains
Sit lay down watch tv scream at us gain weight complains and plays on the stupid computer
Even though he tries to be funny
His comedy is very hurtful
I do not have a good relationship with my parents.
I have never experienced family time
I have never experienced family love
I have never experienced a family
Parents threatening to take the dog to the pound
The dog they call her
Tilly is her name
Tilly is my family.
Tilly is loving
Tilly is the only one there in the house
No matter how much I love her
They say I
Hate
Her
They don't pay much attention to me.
They complain about how much I cost
Hearing aids
Surgeries
Food
School
Medical bills
My parents do not help when I need it
Their abuse has caused me
Depression
Anxiety
And thy still do not care.
Even my therapist.
Who should help me. All she does is make excuses. For my parents
My brother
Raped me
I am not allowed to reveal that.
Mom wants me to keep it a family secret.
Nothing is a secret mom. Not when you tell everyone what we do.
Nobody knows behind
HONOR ROLL.ALL STAR SOCCER PLAYER.FAVORED STUDENT.BLACK BELT KARATE.MANY FRIENDS.MANY GIRLS CRUSHING. MANY SOCCER AWARDS.MANY ACADEMIC AWARDS.ADVANCED CLASSES. 4.0 GRADE AVERAGE. behind that. Is a rapist.
I never feel as good as my parents want me to be. My brother owns over 500 trophies. I own three.
My parents want me to be athletic
I do not
Music art writing are for me
I never hear "do what you want to do"
Or "it's your life"
All I ever hear from them is "do it because it makes you look goof"
"Do it because Zack did it"
"do it or else..."
I am so much you don't expect. I am a survivor. From myself
I haven't killed myself yet
I haven't killed anyone else yet
I call that surviving with red
All this is hidden from the world
Except for my guardian angel
My best friend
And my sister
It's all up to me and my voices.
I hide most of these things
And continue to
Laugh
Love
Live
And learn.
With the seven people
All at once