If I'm the sane one we are in Trouble

If I’m the sane one; we are in trouble, Labor Day weekend 2011:
From the Diaries of a non-mad man with a Wine Hangover

The events held on these few pages if ever leaked will cause me to be cast from the family just as an unrepentant sinner cast into the lake of fire on the day that all good Christians fear.

The morning of September 3rd 2011, didn’t start very well, you see I have found out the plan of the evil aliens and in retribution they shot me with a death ray the night before wrapped around a bottle of Merlot, a good vintage but evil it held; my head is twice its normal size. But you see the weekend had been planned well before my discovery of their evil plan.
Yes I’m the cook of the family and everyone is counting on me and after a handful of aspirin and OJ I decide that the best way to foil the eight legged freaks with fourteen eyes disguised as our Nations Leaders is to go ahead and carry out arrangements.
So it’s a menu planned and off to the grocery store, good healthy food that’s what I plan, nothing heavy I have to recover and take my medicine which is anit-venom in a bottle of Cabernet. The Drive to my mother’s house is very therapeutic as Gregg Allmon is singing “Wake up Momma” I’m dreaming of the anti-venom, family and a hideout from the Space Invaders.
When I arrive; yells, shouts of joy I remember hearing “damn boy what the hell took you so long” greet me, gosh I have missed them. My Mom you see just turned 78 the weekend before; just days before the conspiracy was discovered Is now so happy to see her baby boy, my two oldest sisters are also here, The Oldest of us all, is two years younger than me, she got the looks and the leadership skills so we all call her “Sir”.
So now to the evening; I start the fire on the grill and cut up all the veggies as I inject anit-venom into my veins, you see my sisters “bless their heart”, have felt my troubles so not only Cab but there is an Ancient Vine Zin, a blend from Spain that’s comes with a guarantee to shrink the head oh I love these girls. My saint of a mother has even contributed; she so quick to join in …. MY God it’s the evil Merlot that she produces! With a smile and a quick kiss on the cheek I tell her “good job mom”. I in broken voice tell her this, but the hair on my neck starts to raise and dread for the evening to come.
But, you know as I cut the squash, the tomatoes, toast the pita for the humus, olives and a goat cheese which should have been an omen “drunken goat cheese” is on the label, but no fingers are lost and everyone is in good spirits with the death ray of Merlot still unopened I’m starting to feel good …. then it falls to pieces.
Now it’s dark and their hunger is still not satisfied; these women who hours ago were so concerned about me says “Gawd Damn when do we eat” I keep telling them that ‘it will be worth the wait” even though it falls on sodden ears, you see there’s no Zin, no Blend, my Cab is empty then my niece shows up with child in tow, what do you think she has, yes a beautiful Merlot from California, I accuse her being a double agent!
What in the hell!!! There’s black smoke everywhere, while I was receiving my injection to combat the dreaded death ray the charcoal fire under the evil eye of the aliens has caught Mom’s shed on fire, damn everything is just about ready! My sisters are screaming at the top of their lungs which they have much volume …. But my niece grabbing her little girl out does them all; do they blame the enemy, no it’s me! Blameless and who the anti-venom while saving my life has made these legs rubber.
Thank God for the neighbors who unaffected call 911! Here is an interesting fact when you call 911 for a fire; I bet you didn’t know that when the Fire Dept is dispatched so are the Police who have been infiltrated by the aliens. And another thing, I on wobbling legs so concentrate on the shed fire (I have always been blessed with concentration) that the olive oil I have heating to sauté the vegetables is smoking “a lot”! Another interesting fact, Olive oil if you cook with it has a low heat level and if you heat it to high it smokes a lot …. but with a beautiful smell mind you.
So Fire Truck 666 (another omen) shows up, my saint of a mother surprisingly calm, opens the door and offers them a drink. I have got to have a talk with her some day, anyway the smoke is thick and the girls all three with a baby crying are so loud, “I’ve always thought that they are dramatic and should be actress” that the Firemen can’t hear that I have everything under control while I am sitting outside taking my last treatment even though it’s Merlot. So what do you think they do? Well my saint of the mother is the victim; the firemen who I think have been affected also, knock her down and step right over, to put out the fire on the stove; brave men that they are, well my sister who is older than me by four years but still younger than the oldest who is two years younger, (remember “Sir”) rears back with a fist and hits the Fireman square on his nose, while he falls to his knees at that exact time two NLR PD walk in (remember that evil henchman of the aliens) slap cuffs on poor Paul’ie and drag her by her hair while my niece; her daughter is now so loud that even I can’t hear! What do you think that “Sir” does? The Oldest who is two years younger than me will not stand for it. As the officers put Paul’ie with her hands behind her back in the seat reserved for felons followed closely by a daughter and granddaughter whose voices have woke the neighborhood which are all outside watching and listening as the blue lights try to calm everyone and put them at ease with a false since of authority.
“Me” my feet propped up taking in the last of the Merlot while the shed fire is extinguished watch as Sis number one strips off her shirt and in an amazing feat of strength, jumps, and is on top of the police cruiser dancing to an un-heard rhythm. Another fact: a blue light does a great imitation of a black light from the 70’s. The whole neighborhood is clapping because little sis who we call “Sir” is quite stunning!
Fearful of a full scale riot caused by these two they are whisked away, finally the anti-venom has taken affect and the aliens have blinked and my eyes are closed sitting outside in the very chair that witnessed all.

When I wake and after the old style country breakfast that this saint of a mother cooks, I’m on my way to battle the alien invaders Warrior that I am! I have to remember to call Mom tomorrow to see if the girls made it out of jail. Now that’s caring!

Dickey Betts playing his red guitar while Gregg Allmon is singing
“Ain’t but one way out and I just can’t go out the door ,,, caused there’s a man out there and it might me yours I just don’t know”!!!!