Lost Hope

I entered the room all eyes were on me, I stalkishly walked over to my seat trying not to make eye contact with anyone, I looked up for a brief second and instantly her eyes locked onto me like a eagle locking onto its pray. My heart started beating like crazy; I turned my eyes away and sat down. I could still feel her staring at the back of my neck, but I just couldn't look at her after what happened last night, it was just to akward. She then started whispering my name with her angelic like voice, but i was reluctant to look up, she got the hint and went silent. It was depressively silent for almost the whole lesson. Then a letter got passed to me.

"I really need to talk to you about last night, please don't hate me I just didn't know what to say, i really need to talk to you can you meet..."the teacher stole the note from my hand and in his clearly upper class im better than you voice said.

"You have no right to come into my class late distrupting the whole lesson..." this went on for about five minutes, he finished by saying.

"... stay behind after class i would like to speak to you"

I groaned a little but simply agreed with him, so when the bell went everyone left except for me, I knew she was staring at me as she left the room but i just couldn't bring myslef to look at her.

The teacher called me up to his desk.

"So, Tom do you know why I kept you back after class?" just before i could answer he continued.

"It's because you were late to school again and your making a habit of it, is something wrong at home?" and before I could answer again he continued,

"Because if anything's wrong you can talk to me about it" finally he stopped long enough for me to talk.

"No sir nothings wrong, I'm sorry for being late, it won't happen again, I promise" i hate people like that, just because he's  a teacher he thinks he knows everything,therefore everthing about you. he was silent for a moment then told me to leave the room, he passed the note back to me and I left the room.

I knew I should have read the rest of the letter but I didn't; I didn't have time to... I rushed to the toilet and I was violently sick, it just kept on coming I swear there was some blood in it too. After about 5 minutes I think it was physically impossible to be sick anymore, so I slowly and cautiously moved towards the door, opened it then I seen her. She was just standing on her own, she looked so depressed I just wanted to run over there and give her a hug, but I couldn't... I couldn't deal with her right now. I walked in the direction to the office hoping she wouldn't see me also so i could get sent home, just before I turned the corner she shouted my name.



Shivers were sent down my spine, I could hear her footsteps, she was moving closer and closer. I really couldn't deal with this today; I should have just kept on walking and pretend I didn't hear her but i didn't, I waited. She got over to me and i instantly got butterflys in my stomach. I could see she had been crying but I didn't say anything, Heyya she said in her ever so soft voice,

"you look very pail is everything ok?"

"Im fine, I just need to go to the office,  ill talk to you later" I said this without a hint of emotion. I started walking to the office, she was about to say something but i turned the corner just before i heard it. there were tears coming from my eye,i knew if i stayed longer i would have broken down,  I couldn't let her see me like this, I couldn't let her know I was in pain. I got to the office and told them that I was sick; they took me to a little side room, which felt more like an interrogation room playing a game of 20 questions with me to see if i reallly was sick or not. Eventually after extracting everything little piece od information out of me, they finally decided i looked really pail and maybe it would be better if my mum came and got me. the thing is, if they new my mum, well step-mum they would know i wouldn't be faking it. She took about 20 minutes in her Lexus company car to get from here work to here, she also looked really angry and as we got into the car she started yelling at me

"WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM, IT'S NOT LIKE YOUR DYING IM SURE YOU COULD HAVE MANAGED" She wasn't alsways angry, at one point she actually was nice but i think that changed when my dad died in a car accident 5 years ago, since then she has never been the same

"I GOT TAKEN OUT OF AN IMPORTANT MEETING  FOR THIS, WHEN WE GET HOME GO TO YOUR ROOM". See the thing is my mum is so focused on work she has no idea what goes on in my life, she wouldn't even know if i was dying. she did show a little remorse when we got home

" you do look a little sick, maybe it's best your home now, go get some rest, you look tired" i was alittle suprised at this, but didn't think anythink off it. I went up stairs and fell into a dream state.



When I woke up it was pitch black outside but it felt like I had only been asleep for a few minutes though, i got out of bed and felt so weak that i could have collapsed at any step, i slowly made my way to the bathroom, trying my best not to collapse on the spot, i was sick a bit more, then i headed back to my room, where i found my phone, picked it up and checked to see if i had any texts which i did i had 5 all from her.

EmmaHey I need to talk xoxo

EmmaPlease reply i need to know your ok!! Xoxo

EmmaI?m here for you you have to trust me and let me in

EmmaIm really getting worried now im going to come over to see you

EmmaIm at your house now but there was no answer hope your ok xoxo

It was too much to think about and my head was killing me, so I just tried to forget about last night and go back to sleep, this time it was a deep sleep in which i had a couple of dreams in which I can remember. the first was i was all alone in this white room, i couldn?t move or speak then the white room turned into a glass like room, i still couldn?t move, but now people were staring at me, people I knew like Emma, my mum just everyone of my friends and family, they were also crying. The other dream i remembered wasn?t really interesting or memorable but what happened was I just kept on walking forward not being able to reach were I wanted to go, it was like I was on a treadmill. I woke up and it was morning again, i looked at the clock and realised I was going to be late, again, but that was the least of my troubles, i still felt like shit and today were meant to be going on a field trip to a theme park. I got ready as quickly i could but I knew I was still going to be late.

Of course i was late, but i was just on time to catch the bus to the theme park, the bus was pretty full, i started walking down to find a spare seat. I walked right to the back where i seen Emma, she was sitting beside Jody another one of my friends that i seen in my dream last night, they were talking quite loudly, that is until they seen me then they both went quiet and awkwardly said hi to me i said hi back and kept on moving, there was a seat right behind them, i decided to sit there beside me was Aaron, my best friend i had known him since like forever. We started talkingHe said in a concerned voice? is everything ok, you?ve been quite off lately and i need to talk to you later when its more private? he looked at the seats in front of us indicating he didn?t want them to hear what we were talking about i just nodded my head and said ok, for the rest of the trip we just talked about random stuff but sometimes i could hear Emma and Jody whispering, i couldn?t hear what about but i had my ideas.

so the bus stopped and we got out to see this theme park, it looked so fun and exciting, I wanted to go on everything there but I knew I wouldn?t be able to as I still felt sick. I didn?t tell anyone I was feeling sick cause no one would want to sit beside me on the rides. Everyone started getting into their own groups of friends; I went with Aaron, Emma and Jody, there were so many rides at the park we just didn?t know what to go on first, they all started arguing about it.?i think we should go on The End first, it?s the fastest on here? said Aaron looking excitedly around the park? but, we should save the best to last, cause if we go on the best one first were going to find all the others boring in comparison? said Emma who seemed not so enthusiastic?Yeah but, like the longer we wait to go on the good ones, the longer the lines are going to be? said Jody, I didn?t really care which one we went on first as long as we actually went on something, but at this rate that won?t be happing anytime soon.?How about this, we go to Last Memories first, then the end, then whatever?? said Aaron who now just seemed like he just wanted to go on something?But last memories looks shit to be honest, how about we go on water lagoon first?? said Jody looking very upset about something?So you want to walk around wet for the rest of the day?? said Aaron with a grin on his face?He?s got a point...what do you think? said Emma staring right at me. I knew she didn?t really care about my opinion; she just wanted to get me involved as up to then I hadn?t said a word because i feel sick, but they probably think I?m just being depressive. I gave them my opinion which did seem like the best one, go on everything more than once.?That?s actually a good idea, but what do we go on first? said Aaron? I think we should go on the end first? I said that to hurry thing up, and they all agreed with e for some reason on it I was quite confused cause Aaron was the one that suggested going on that first.

We finally started walking over to the roller coaster ride and Jody asked who?s sitting beside who, well I wanted to sit beside Jody because Aaron is always too hyper at rollercoaster rides and it would be awkward if I sat beside Emma?Well I?m defo not sitting beside depressive over there? Aaron said giving me a weird look?Ok ill sit beside you then? Jody said quickly before Emma or I could say anything?I guess that means I?m sitting beside you? said Emma who had the emotions of a rainbow on her face, I couldn?t tell if she was happy or sad, I said I guess so and smiled back. We arrived at the ride and we waited in the line, but it wasn?t long as the park had just opened, so we got on pretty fast. Emma and I sat right at the front and Aaron and Jody sat behind us, just when the ride started up Emma said?Listen, I really need to talk to you so after this ride can we bail on them? I just nodded my head and agreed as I was more focused on the rollercoaster and the adrenaline so I didn?t really take in what she said. The ride started, it started off quite slow then it started building up momentum until *Swoosh, we went speeding it was like a bullet, I could feel my face getting pulled back onto the seat because of the G-force, the whole time all I heard was screaming from everyone on the ride, especially Emma. Then the sick feeling came back to me, I wasn?t having fun anymore I was just trying my hardest to hold it in. The ride seemed like it was taking forever now, but finally when it did stop I ran off to the toilets and just before I went in Emma was there. She said hi, I felt really dizzy and sickish at this point and all I could say was hold that thought, the next thing i remember was me slowly falling backward until I could only see the sky and then only blackness.

I woke up several hours later; I slowly opened my eyes to this blurry white room all I could here was a beeping noise beep...beep...beep. I soon realised I was in a empty hospital room, well at least I thought it was empty until I heard a slight caught. In a pitifully weak voice I asked ?is anyone there??Oh my god your awake, I was so worried about you? I looked up to my right to see Emma sitting right beside me, I managed to ask her what happened.?You collapsed at the theme park I was so worried about you are you ok, are you ok...? she continued on like that for a while, stopping sometimes to wipe the tears from her eyes. I started to drown out a bit but I got the just of what she was saying, it made me think about how much she cared about me, coming all the way here to make sure I?m ok, obviously missing out at the theme park. Then I started thinking about that night.

She had sent me a text saying something had happened and she really needed to see me, so I said ok and I went off to meet her. I didn?t have a clue of why she wanted to meet me. She was my friend, that?s all that mattered. I met her at the local park which at this time was completely empty so it was just me and her, when I seen her she looked really upset, i ran up to her and gave her a big hug and asked what was wrong?he, *sob, he broke up with me *sob, why what did I do wrong? she was crying so bad, I just felt so bad, it was obvious that her boyfriend had broken up with her, which in my opinion was the worst mistake in his life as he just lost the best thing that had ever happened to him, but it was a good thing for me as I really like Emma.?it will be ok, I?ll make sure your ok? I gave her another hug and continues?He?s really stupid if he doesn?t want to be with you, and if he?s stupid you shouldn?t want to be with him? she giggled at that a bit and stopped crying a wee bit. We started moving away from the park, just to go on a walk; I tried to change the subject so she wouldn?t have to think about it that much.We talked the night away until we ended up outside her house when she asked me?I really had a good time with you tonight, thank you? she gave me a hug?But I don?t know if I?m going to get over him? she continued to say, but then I thought I knew what to do to make her forget.?There are always more people out there that are better than him and who like you more??Like whom? she asked?me? there was a long silence, I knew now that she didn?t know what to say, I shouldn?t have said anything, her boyfriend just broke up with her today and I?m already trying to ask her out. I must have known she wouldn?t have been able to answer. The next thing I knew was, she ran into her house and I didn?t see it but I knew she was crying again. I slowly made my way to my house and all the pain I had a couple of days ago just came rushing back. It was like 12 when I got back to my house as I was in so much pain I found it hard to walk, of course my mum didn?t care that I was that late in or in pain so I just went to bed.

I lost conscious there for a second and just for a couple of minutes I forgot I was in a hospital, when I regained conscious Emma was still right beside me talking about her being worried. I wanted to ask her about that night but I thought it might be a wee bit inappropriate, that?s when she said?You know about the other night, how you kinda told me you love me, I was a bit shocked by it but I finally have a reply... I love you too? was I imagine thing, could I still be in a state of mind were none of this was actually happing , I was just about to say something back and then the doctor walked in (guess who?s getting nominated for the bad timing awards). He told Emma visiting hours were over, then stared over at the bed, where he seen me awake?Oh good your awake, Emma can you please leave now, I have to run some tests you can come back tomorrow? Emma got up and kissed me on the forehead and left the room.?You?re lucky with that one, she?s been here every day this week looking from dusk till dawn? what did he say? I?ve been in here for a week! Oh my god I must have hit my head pretty hard.?Please don?t speak, your still in allot of pain? I just agreed with him, and let him continue on with what he was doing. I eventually went back to sleep and woke up the next day, at least i didn?t have to worried about being late for school in here. I looked beside me and I seen flowers and a card, the card said get well soon love Emma, the doctor then came in the room; he looked really upset about something and said?I have something to tell you? there was a long pause before he said anything else?You have cancer?

?what!? I shouted at the top of my voice which wasn?t that loud as I felt very weak, I didn?t know what to feel, was I angry or was I sad, I just didn?t know and before I knew it tears were coming from my eyes, I wasn?t full on crying it was just tears. My heart was beating like crazy and I could feel sweet coming down from my face, what should I feel? The doctor began talking again.?This will be a hard time for you, but I?m afraid that we didn?t catch it fast enough, there?s not much we can do for you, I?m terribly sorry we can only make you last days comfortable ? there?s nothing they can do, I?m going to die, how would you respond to that, I just sat in the room in silent, what would my mum say well step-mum she got married to my dad, and about five years ago my dad got killed in a car crash, that was basically when she stopped caring for anyone and anything, but how would she take me dying, I?m like the last thing to remind her of him , what happens to her when I?m gone. What about Emma she just told me she loved me, what am I going to say to her?I?m sorry, I can?t have a relationship with you cause I?m dying? how would she take that.?So what happens now? I finally asked the doctor?well we can keep you here on medicinal I give you 2 month give or take, or you can go home and live the most of your life while you still have it, but that mean I would say you only have 2 or 3 weeks, so what do you think?? so I have a dilemma on one hand I get to live longer, on the other I get to spend time with my friends and family before I die. And then it hit me I knew what I had to do.I?m going to leave the hospital today and see my friends not all of them, in fact just one, Emma. I needed to say my goodbyes to her and tell her one thing before I leave forever, but I don?t think I?m up for saying goodbye to my mum.?I think I?m going to go home? I said just realising I?ve been silent for a good few minutes?Ok, is there anyone that can come and pick you up? the doctor said to me?No it?s ok, I?ll make my own way home? I slowly got up and made my way to the door, honestly i felt like crap and I could have just collapsed there, but I was determined to get out of there. The doctor didn?t stop or help me; he just stared at me and looked really sympathetic towards me.

I made it all the way to my house and as soon as I got in, my mum called me to the living room and in a calm but somewhat angry voice she said?And where have you been, I?ve been worried about you, not even a phone call? I really didn?t want to tell her, so I lied?Oh I?ve been at a friend?s house sorry for not calling; I just forgot it won?t happen again??It better not, I was worried sick about you? she gave me a hug, I could feel tears about to come from my eyes so I really needed to leave the room?I love you mum? she looked shocked at what I just said?I love you too? she gave me a hug, which I held on for just a little longer as I knew it would be the last one I would ever get, I quickly left the room before she seen the tears that were now running down my face. I ran up to my room and finished off a few last pieces and grabbed my phone to text Emma to come and meet me.Hi that?s me out the hospital can you come meet me at the park? I waited a couple of minutes anxiously for a text back; finally the phone began to vibrate. It was her basically saying ok, i left my house and said I love you bye to my mum one last time and closed the door.

So I waited at the park for her, this time the wait seemed like ages I couldn?t concentrate there was so much going through my head at this moment. She finally arrived, I could swear my heart stopped for a second or two when i seen her. I ran over and gave her a hug this time I was the one crying, she asked me what was wrong?Well, you know what you told me at the hospital? I said?Yeah? she said?Well I?m sorry to tell you this, but I don?t feel the same way? she was shocked at what I had said and was silent for a few second but then said?Why did you say you did the other night then?? I knew she was going to bring that up, but I had to lie to her so she doesn?t get hurt?To make you feel better about yourself because you got dumped? she was utter shocked and began crying then ran away. I wanted to shout her back and tell her it was all a lie but I couldn?t bring myself to do it. My next stop was as far away from this place as possible I couldn?t take the sadness anymore.

I went to the train station and bought a ticket to anywhere I didn?t care were, went beside the track and waited for my train. It was going to take ages for the train to come so I just played the waiting game. The train was pulling up now; I sent a text to Emma it said,?I?m really sorry for what I said at the park, I just thought it would be easier for you that way check your back pocket? see for when I was at my house I wrote her a letter.

Dear Emma

I knew you couldn?t do this in person as I knew it would be too hard, the truth is I have cancer and I?m not long for this world, I had to tell you I didn?t love you as I knew you would convince me to stay with you, but I can?t do that now, just remember I always have and always will love you, please forgive me i love you bye xoxoxoxox

Just thinking about the letter made me cry, the train was just about in front of me now, as i jumped in front of the track, I received a text

Emma

Don?t do anything stupid I can?t live without you.

There was nothing i could do now, the train hit my full on and I fell to the ground, my life was over.