Thoughts of a drunk

I am so… erm… er…
What’s it called when you drink too much alcohol?
There’s like a special word for it!
I think it rhymes with… “Kerplunk”
Ha! That’s a fun game!
I think I may play it when I get home
If I manage to find my way home…
Ooh quiche! Eat it! Eat it!
That’s some seriously good quiche Lorraine
What was I thinking about before?
Was it sheep?
Haha… sheep… they look like little clouds with legs
Maybe that’s what clouds really are, flying sheep!
Wow! I think ive just uncovered a major, DRUNK!!
That’s the word I was trying to think of!
yep I am so drunk!
Wow… the room is spinning really fast
I’m so glad I’m sitting down right now
This feels nearly as intense as the time I rode the teacups at Disneyland
Never again! The gift shop was enough excitement for me!
Has Michael been talking to me this whole time?
I should probably listen to him
Nah, just nod your head so it look as though you’re listening to him
Ha even when im drunk im a genius!....
I bet I could give that wheelchair guy, a run for his money, what’s his name again?
Oh that’s it Ironside
Where did this pint of Strongbow come from?
Aww no I must have agreed to it when I was nodding
I’ve already had 1¼ strawberry margaritas
Oh and a J20…are J20’s alcoholic?
Do you know what? im gonna pretend they are cos im a real man damn it!
And like a real man im going to down this pint of strongbow,
In front of all my friends, who by the way,
Think I’m about as manly as Elton john shopping for fruit scented lotions…
Probably because I ordered two strawberry margaritas… but that’s beside the point
This moment! This very moment I will have redemption!
And will be forever known as
“The guy who orders ladies drinks, but will occasionally do something borderline manly…occasionally”
Has quite a nice ring to it
Ok Paul you can do this!
Stand up… woah dizzy
Ok find your balance... find your balance… and… you’re there,
Ok everyone’s looking at me now
You should make a speech before you do it for dramatic affect
Say that speech Mel Gibson says in Braveheart

“erm… would you be willing to trade all the days from this day to that for one chance, just one chance to come back here and..erm..something…something…erm that they may…erm… take our lives, but they'll never take our… freedom!”

Pause for affect… pause for affect…and drink!
Ok this isn’t too bad, I’ve already downed a quarter of it
This is easy, I don’t know what the big deal is
And now im about to become a man,
I’ll be accepted by my peers into the manly club
I may even rent Rambo
Or get a gym membership
Only ¼ to go
What’s this funny sensation in my stomach? Is this normal??
Oh my God I think im having a heart attack in my stomach!
A stomach attack! What do I do? What do I do!!
Erm… Well stop drinking for a start!
But im so close to finishing it!
Your health is more important, damn it!!
But my manliness!! Rambo!! Gym!!
As if you would rent Rambo, you don’t like violence!
Yeah you’re right
Ok then… preparing to throw up in 3, 2, 1…
Aaaaand there it all is,
Like Niagra falls
Well that went better than expected
You failed to down all of the pint, and you’ve puked all over Michael
Oh look there’s that quiche from earlier, great quiche!
I think you can be proud of your efforts
Probably shouldn’t have done that speech,
That’s only added to the embarrassment really
Ok Michael looks angry I think I should probably leave now
Erm… right, gotta find my bearings, where’s the door?
This would be so much easier if the room wasn’t spinning!
Is that a lit up exit sign I see there
Is that the door?! It’s like a million miles away
Making my way across the bar to the door will be a mammoth effort
Ok we can do this,
Come on legs we’ve gotta work as a team now
Ok left leg…right leg…left leg…right leg…
So far so good… whoops slight wobble there but nothing to worry about though
Oh god it’s Lucy!!
Aww She’s so beautiful!
Like daisies in springtime
Act cool!!!!
… aaaaand she’s gone
Wow she bought it…good job!
Thank god I spent last summer at theatre camp
Which reminds me, I must go see Les Mis at the community theatre
Ok, resume walking…
Ya know this would be a great idea for a movie,
I can just imagine that movie guy with the deep voice in the trailer
“One man, completely drunk out of his mind, has to make his way across a busy bar without falling over and making an idiot out of himself in front of all his friends, Gerard Butler is… the drunk guy!”
I’d watch that
And Gerard Butler playing me, would be a great choice
We’re so similar
I’m so close to the door!
I’ve nearly made it!
Just five more steps and I’m free!
Are you there God? It’s me, Paul
Oh God please don’t let me fall over now!
If you let me make it to the door I promise I will go to church more often,
Oh and erm… I promise I will rent Jesus Christ superstar on DVD
Ok here goes
1 step…2 steps…
Uh oh why does the floor look like it’s rapidly getting closer?
Am I falling?.. yep…I’m falling
Ouch!
Well I think I can be proud of this evening, I’ve managed to get drunk off 2 strawberry margaritas, fail to down a measly little pint of Strongbow, throw up all over Michael and now I’m lying face down on the floor of a busy pub… kill me now


…My face hurts