10 Dating tips for the lonely nerd

So, you’ve decided you’re lonely and that it’s time for you to crawl out from that hole you’ve been hiding in and go find a girlfriend? The first thing you may notice is a bright light in the sky, that’s called the sun. You may have forgotten what it looks like after years of staying indoors, watching DVD boxsets of Battlestar Gallactica and Lost; but if you follow these 10 simple steps, you could be cooler than captain Kirk... before he turned fat.

1. Step 1 is all about preparation, so take a look in the mirror, if you like what you see, take another look.

2. After realising you’re not as much like Wolverine as you thought you were, step 2 is all about finding a super cool look. Try finding a look that you really like, if you like the Batman look, try looking for a look that’s more attainable, like Robin perhaps? If there’s one thing girls like it’s a man in a uniform.

3. Girls love musicians! So go out and buy Rockband if you haven’t already got it (of course you have it, its awesome!) and twitter your friends to come round and play it with you. You have now successfully become a fully-fledged rock band! (However some say “just because you play rockband doesn’t mean you’re an actual rocker”, but that’s just because they don’t know how to play it)

4. Girls like to laugh, so watch everything the hilarious Eddie Murphy has ever done… except Norbit!... yikes! Ensure you learn to mimic him exactly; this includes shouting out loud, talking incredibly fast and swearing… a lot!

5. Confidence is a trait many women look for in a man. So try to be more confident! If you need help to attain such confidence, just watch Han Solo in star wars and watch how he confidently chats up Princess Leia. Notice how he doesn’t run away every time she approaches him.

6. Now you have finished preparing, it’s now time for you to get out there. It’s important however to know exactly what type of girl you’re looking for. (If you’re after the woman with the three boobs from Total recall, you may have to look elsewhere, as the woman with three breasts from Total recall doesn’t actually exist)

7. There are many places where you can find a female, the park, the cinema or at a shopping complex. (If you were hoping for comic book convention, you’d be wrong, there are no girls at comic book conventions) the most popular place to meet women is at a nightclub. When attempting to chat up a girl in a noisy nightclub it’s a good idea to carry a megaphone with you so that she can hear what you’re saying. There’s nothing worse than trying to tell a hilarious joke about three physicists going into a bar and she can’t even hear you.

8. Make sure you share the same interests, if she doesn’t like Star Trek the next generation it’s her own damn fault! And you can probably do better!

9. If by some miracle, these tips have actually worked for you so far and you have actually managed to find a girlfriend, then try showing her how creative you are. Why not show her your sci-fi screenplay about an evil robot from the planet “Robotron” who comes to Earth to destroy it but inadvertently becomes the adoptive father of a baby with hilarious consequences.

10. Now you’ve managed to find and maintain a girlfriend it’s only a matter of time when you’re going to have to kiss her. If this is your first time kissing a girl there are lots of ways in which you can practice your kissing abilities such as kissing your arm, however kissing the dog is not ideal, no creature should be put through that type of punishment.