Lost Will

A sharp pinprick of cold spreads across my arm as a drop of rain falls upon my exposed flesh. The first is followed by a second and then a third as the dark sky above releases its moisture. The shadows deepen and the earth loses its saturation. Everything is in shades of black and grey. I lift my head up and let the rain fall upon my face. The drops fall upon my face, roll down my arms, and slowly drip off of my fingertips. I count each one as they fall. Soon, tears mix with the rain as it flows off my fingers. With each drop of rain, a huge weight is slung across my chest. The weight is enough to send me to my knees. Each drop sending me lower and lower. The rain increases and I am immobilized. The only movement comes from the shudders that wrack my body. Then, as if the weight wasn't bad enough, the rain begins to feel like fire. My body burns and blisters with every passing second. I scream at the sky. A scream of guilt and of suffering. My tears flow freely now. Pouring down my face as thickly as the rain itself, spilling onto the ground. I sit there for what seems like years. Constantly tormented by the rain that falls on my unprotected body. There seems to be no end to this storm. If anything, the clouds seem to darken. Or is that my vision? Has the pain and torment finally been too much to bear? Can I finally escape this fate for the peace of death? Time passes. Seconds, minutes, months, years, I don't know or care anymore. Still the clouds grow darker. Punctuated with streaks of lightning and the crashing of thunder. I yearn for death, but death does not come. Only more rain, more weight, more suffering. I look up, trying to see the end of the storm, but instead I see a figure illuminated by the lightning. I watch as the figure pulls another into my view and precedes to beat him savagely. Uncurling a giant whip, he lashes the other mercilessly. Snap. Snap. Snap. Thirty-nine times. The whip is followed by a club, then thorns pounded into the head. The trembling mass is no longer recognizable as human. Just a flayed, bloody pile of flesh. The figure then grins as he pulls the mass onto cross of wood and laughs as he pounds giant nails into its hands and feet. Blood flies and the figure squeals in glee. The cross is then raised high into the air for all to behold. During the torture, the mass never said a word. Finally, it lifts its head to reveal the face of a man. A man who's eyes I will never forget. So full of love and yet an infinite sadness. He stares straight at me and I can feel my soul stripped bare. A single tear falls down his face as he mouths the words, “I love you.” With a cry, his head drops to his chest and all is still. The rain stops and the sky grows even darker. The ground begins to shake as the world begins to cry in mourning. Thunder and lightning, wind and rain, a terrifying shrieking fills the air. Lines begin to blur as the world is thrown into chaos. Still I sit, thinking how a man with such loving eyes could deserve a death such as that. Meanwhile, the figure still stands there, laughing. Pulling out the nails, he lets the body fall to the ground. He spits on it and kicks it repeatedly, laughing all the while. I feel an intense hatred for the figure and I decide that I am going to kill him for what he did. I struggle to my feet. Each step causing me intense pain, but still I move forward until I approach the figure. Slowly, the figure turns towards me and I can finally see his face. It is my own. The realization stabs my heart. It was me. I am the one who killed him. I am the one who did it all. Despair grips my soul. How could I have done this? I feel ashamed. I feel guilty. I feel...angry. My fingers curl into fists as I think about what I had done. My fingernails dig into my skin, causing blood to flow with the rain and tears. The rain falls harder and harder. The water starts to rise. Over my feet, my knees, my chest. Soon I struggle to stay above. Instead of being angry and ashamed, I begin to think of my own survival. I desperately kick trying to keep my head above the water. The storm rages above, causing giant waves that threaten to drown me. I see land. A small strip of ground in an endless ocean. I swim for it, but seem to move nowhere. Suddenly, I can't breath. A heavy weight presses down on me, causing me to go under. I turn and see that it is the figure, myself, pushing me deeper into the water. My vision blurs. Water enters my lungs and I choke. I see the man. The man on the cross. I see his flayed body and his punctured hands. I see his passionate eyes. “Forgive me!” I try to cry out, but the water prevents me from doing so. I hear a voice, “I have always forgiven you, but you must first forgive yourself.” I grab at the arms that are strangling me. I pull and punch, but to no avail. I am too weak. I sink lower and lower. Blackness clouds my vision. All I see is my own horrible, grinning face staring back at me. What a fitting end. It is what I deserve. Here I drown. Slowly. My efforts to throw the arms that strangle me are useless. I float helplessly in a sea of regret. What is to become of me? What am I supposed to do? The blade carves a path through my flesh. The edge parts the skin, causing the blood to flow. Pain flares up my arms. My veins pulse, causing more blood to spill out. I want this to end. Death doesn't seem so bad. The pain is intense, but slowly fades as I lose consciousness. To my horror, I wake up in a pool of dried blood. The pain returns, greater than before. I knew that I had made a mistake. I look up. I had washed ashore on the small strip of land. The arms that strangled me were gone. Maybe I can start again. Become someone new. A small narrow path leads off the land and through the ocean. Picking myself up tall, I start walking the path. I walk it for a while. I feel good. Better than I ever had before. I think that maybe I have my life back on track. I feel something touch my ankle. Looking down, I see my face grinning up at me. With a yank, I fall into the ocean. The arms circle my neck again and I gasp for air before slowly sinking beneath the surface. I float. A deep sense of failure encompasses my being. I am a failure. My life is a failure. I seem to be doomed to failure. Now I am back where I started. Drowning in a sea of sorrow and failure. Is there any hope for me? Is there anything that I can do right? Even now I sink. Deeper and deeper. I struggle to rise to the surface, but only make it a few inches before being pulled down again. Through the water I can see others. They walk the path. Some walk straight and true, some stumble and fall, but they all walk it. Not me. I drown. They are caring. They reach down and try to help me up and I break the surface, but I am just pulled down again. My lungs burn. I don't know how long I can survive. I yearn for peace, but have none. So I wait. Do I have any hope? No, I do not. I have given up hope. I have lost my will to fight. I will just drown. Drown until finally I pass into peace.