Samuel Pepys' Guide to Picking Up Women

“Don Draper” having had his chance to outline his strategy on SNL, I
felt it only fair to let Sam have his chance…

“Samuel Pepys’ Guide to Picking Up Women…”


Good fellow, welcome…


We shall assume you are a gentleman, and not presently accompanied…
Given the subject matter…By wife, sweetheart, or female relative…


Let us therefore closet ourselves. (“Bess, I’ll be at my accounts for
a while, you’d best get off to bed.”)


Step One…


Money rules…


Yea, good sir.. It should first be noted that a surfeit of money makes
all men more attractive and ye pauper oft goes home alone. First, then…
Make it your cardinal principle to acquire such moneys as wilt allow
ye to offer your lady friend toys and trinkets. A good woman in, or
fancying herself in, love may tolerate poverty in a man but if ye wish
to gather in the coals, so to speak…Put coin in ye purse.


Step Two…


Clothes doth maketh the man…


Friend, disabuse thyself of the notion that it is the inner man which
shineth to give grace to thy outward appearance in lieu of fine
garments. ‘Tis sentiment fit solely for the Lord’s Day, in the church,
in the backmost pew. In short, sir…No threads, no beds. Yet be
reconciled by the thought that a fine suit doth hide the bulging
stomach and good cloth with lace trimming draws attention from the
hairy brow and the bugged eye.


Step Three…


Power…Ye bludgeon of choice…


Contrary to the old saw of power as the foremost aphrodisiac, power
may not win ye thy lady’s heart. However, if the said lady or hers be
powerless and friendless…It may well win her body…And win ye the
support of hers in ye quest. Yet beware ye do not apply thy power
before confirming the powerlessness of ye lady and hers…Particularly
her father, husband, or sweetheart. A slip here may land thee in the
Thames or the Tower.


Step Four…


The merry and clever Tongue hath power to charm…


With all the previous steps in hand, a merry and clever tongue may
lighten the road to Romance and cheer thy lady’s heart.


At least it may it easier for her to grin and bear thee…