Just want to complain!

I was forced to wake up again. I was sleeping good when my cell phone alarm ripped me out of my fantasy life and back into reality. Back to this apartment with no opening windows. Back to this onsite office that’s in reality just a closet with a desk. Back in my hole, babysitting eighty six low income whiners for seven seventy five an hour. I am a dam number here, not a person. I live onsite but get no deals. I watch zero renters work a freeway sign and bring in five times what i make in a month, and all they have to do is roll around in shit and limp real good so people on the off-ramps will just hand them the cash and not ask them to do any work.

I stare at a monitor pointed at a sidewalk that shows me a black and white world of ass scratchers and drunks. I get an occasional laugh at the expense of some idiot who will go rolling across the sidewalk after tripping over the hole in the concrete we have asked our company to fix time and time again. but for the other seven hours and fifty five minutes a day, I sit here and wonder what the hell i did wrong.

I think about the business i want to start. The potential that’s staring me in the face and i can do nothing about it because of three little numbers that say I am untrustworthy. I think about the love i have for kids and how i have none of my own because i didn’t think ahead when my god kids were little. For some reason i thought they would never grow up. Now I am left with a very quiet apartment that i can’t stand being in for long. I think about my waistline, and how all those people were right when they said that cushy desk jobs have a way of biting you in the ass. Well after eight years behind this desk not moving too much, i can say there is enough ass to go around.

I see the walking dead, the trailer trash, and the what have you done for me lately crowds moving through this place like cockroaches and i pray i never become one of them. Some days i can disappear into music, or movies, or my art. Other days like today all i can do is think about this dull, never-ending waltz that is my existence now. Days like today i just want to leave everything behind and just go somewhere where no one knows me. But take my awareness of how intolerable things can get so i don’t make the same mistakes again.

Now it’s full on summer. it is hotter than hell. Thank the lord for my air conditioner. One of the few perks of the job. And of course that pain in my ass voice in my head is telling me to be grateful for what i have. Ok, I am very grateful. I am just having one of those days that everyone has when what you call life is just not good enough today. You might have a nice house, a new car, and toys of all kinds. But today you’re tired of it all. You have done everything, you have gone everywhere. Your home is boring, your friends are boring, your dog bugging the shit out of you to get up and play is so unappealing that you wish you could just melt into the couch and be done with it all.

I know what’s on my side of the mountain, what’s on the other side. How do other people get the things they get? Why am I here in a low income hotel rotting away and my boss is on a cruise to Alaska. It’s just one of those days. I don’t know why I have them. I know things could be so much worse. I just feel like being irrational today. I want out of this place. I want more. I just want to complain.