When I lost you

Dread pours over me like a pool of sweat. Amie is walking up the stairs to me room. Thump-thump. My fists clench.

"Natty! I-" Amie's voice stops when she sees me standing before her in my room. "Nate...what have you done?" she clasps a hand over her mouth.

"Amie, I love you. You know that I have cancer. You knew that this was going to happen sometime." I try to say this calmly but Amie's shock is making me nervous.

"Nate. I..I am so sorry. I can't do this anymore." Amie slowly starts backing out of the room. "I can't do this." she runs from my room. seconds later I hear a door slam from somewhere in the house. My heart clenches.

My name is Nate Miller. I'm 18 and have a rare form of Thyroid cancer. This morning my hair was shaved. Then my girlfriend of 2 years left me.

Walking through school is like a dream. People whisper about me. I am bald, and Amie left me. I have more attention around me then I ever could have wanted. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I usually would spend my days with Amie and our other friends smoking pot in a nearby alley. Now I am all alone.

"Hi Nate." A small voice sounds behind. I whirl around the see Natalie Green. Natalie can't be more than 5 fl. sparkling green eyes and deep red hair that hangs down her shoulders in lose curls. She is beautiful.

"Hi Natalie." I reply not knowing what to expect from her.

"I just wanted to say that I’m sorry about your cancer, I know what you're going through. I have cancer too." she looks up at me with her strong eyes and I’m taken back.

"You do?" I ask, realizing how stupid I sound.

"Yeah for almost 6 months now." she looks nervous. Glancing around behind her. Like she’s afraid that someone is watching us.

"I'm really sorry." I want to slap myself.

"It's no biggie. well I guess it kind of is." she laughs to herself and I smile.

I know it's stupid to presume that I could be falling for someone so soon, but there is something about Natalie that makes me want to stay with her all day.

"Yeah. it can really suck. hey do you want to get together after school or something? We could talk more openly there." I ask this because I sense her paranoid movements.

She looks up at me surprised and for a moment she looks as if she is going to take off down the hall screaming.

"I would really like that." this surprises me as much as my asking had surprised her.

"Cool. Meet me here after 7th." I smile.

"Yeah. cool." she smiles back at me and walks off down the hallway.

§

"Nate! How could you?" Natalie screams at me with anger in her voice.

"I...I...I" I stumble for words but I can't find them. Nothing really makes any sense right now. Am I that high?

"I thought you were smarter than this." she holds up the small bag of pot that was jammed into my pants pocket.

"Amie I..." whoops. even I noticed that mistake.

"Amie? You don't even know who I am right now!" her eyes burn with tears and furry shakes her voice. "I have to go Nate. don't bother calling here again."

She slams the door in my face. it had only been 2 weeks since that day I had talked to Natalie. We started hanging out together a lot. then I confessed feeling of love for her. so did she, after just 2 weeks. it had been special. now it was gone, just like Amie.

As I walked home through the dark litter cluttered streets I sigh. my bad decisions had caused me to lose that one special person to me. I hadn't even wanted to go out tonight. tony had called me up saying that there was hot stuff going on. needing to get away from my dad I left as quickly as possible. things had gone down from there. everyone was smoking so I figured why not. it felt good too. until I was suddenly knocking on Natalie's front door.

The door slams behind me as I walk into the alcohol stanched living room of my house.

"NATE!" My dad. and I can smell him from where I am. he stagers into the room looking like he had been drinking all day."WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?" he bellows.

"Dad, I was out with some friends." I reply trying not to make eye contact. my dad can be abusive when he isn't sober.

"I was out with some friends," he mimics me in a shrill tone, 'Well aren't you special you spoiled brat. What if I had fallen or hurt myself and no one was here to help me?" he slurs.

"I am sorry dad." As soon as I say it I feel a burning sensation in the gut and I fall to the floor. He kicks me again in the side and I fight off the urge to scream.

"You don’t apologize to nothing!" He continues kicking and punching till he is to tired and then he slinks off to sleep. I lay there for a while. tears brim my eyes but I fight them off. First Natalie, then my dad. I don't even know what to do anymore.

My eyes get heavy. I feel warm and tired. my body feels like lead. I hear voices, no, just one. screaming my name.

"NATE! NATE! where are you?" it's Natalie. she came. but she shouldn't have. my bedroom door flies open and Natalie burst in running to my sighed.

"Oh god no! What did you take Nate?!? What did you take?" She is screaming and crying at the same time. a horrible wrenching sounds. I don't like it at all. I try to tell her to stop but my mouth won’t move.

"You can't do this Nate!" I hear ambulances pull up. I feel myself being lifted words are floating around me. but I feel like I am floating. I shut my eyes to sleep, but not without hearing the gut wrenching sounds of Natalie's sobs.

Beep. Beep. Beep.

Steady beeps fill my ears with sound. I life my heavy eyes and bright white pours in. it hurts my head so badly I have to shut them again. but they open wide as footsteps enter my room. Natalie?

I see a stout black women at the end of the bed with a tray of food. she looks at me with kind eyes but when she opens her mouth she speaks sternly.

"Boy, why are you trying to hurt yourself like that? You got that pretty little lady sitting out there all night worried about you." her eyes soften as she sees my guilt flicker through me.

"Where's Natalie?" I gurgle out feeling a massive head rush.

"Is that her name? She is waiting out there. I’ll go fetch her." she bustles out of the room with her cart in tow.

I feel like she has been gone for days when she finally returns with Natalie at her side.

"Nate!" Natalie rushes toward me and I hold onto her like there has never been anything so special. there hasn't.

"Nate! How could you do this to me?" She cries into me. "I was so scared when you didn't come to school all week. I knew something was wrong."

"Natalie, I'm sorry. You said you never wanted to see me again and my dad...I just didn't know what to do. I thought it would be easier to leave like that. it was harder then I thought." I look down unable to look at her straight in the eyes. she grabbed my chin in her hand and pulls my mouth up to hers. I missed her kisses. soft and sweet.

'Don't you ever do that to me again Nate Miller." she says with her eyes closed.

"Never." I whisper.

I get out of the hospital 3 days later, to find that Natalie had an accident, she passed out in the shower and was checked straight into the hospital. The doctors found out that her cancer had started shutting down her organs and she was going septic.

I stayed with Natalie all the time in those weeks. we talked about love and college and what we wanted to do with our lives. But I knew, and she knew, that she may not have much longer. they started her on chemo not long after and it became hard for me to watch her throw up her every meal. but I held her hand through it all.

then a few weeks after chemo had started Natalie didn't talk back to me. she would nod or moan, but she didn't talk. she was to weak. she slept more then she was awake, but I stayed with her still. I read to her from the books at school. I told her what she was going to do once she got out of the hospital. I described the view from the hospital room window which she had moved to. I told her how much I loved her.

It happened one cold day in September. She was sleeping peacefully, a nurse came in to check her blood levels as usual. But today she stopped quickly and walked out. she returned with a doctor and Natalie's family who had been eating in the cafeteria. NO. The doctor looked her over quickly and turned to us. Natalie's mom grabbed my hand.

"I'm sorry, but Natalie seems to be in a deep coma. her heat is slowly shutting down along with her other organs. you have about 3 minutes to say goodbye. Natalie's mom let out a wail and ran to her daughters side. as they said their goodbyes I stood, not able to move with tears slowly running down. this couldn't be the end.

"Nate," Natalie's mother said, “She needs you to say goodbye. she needs to go now." Mrs. Green looked so sad as she took my hand in hers and walked me over to the bed.

"She can't leave me yet." I cried.

'She has to."

I leaned down next to Natalie’s small worn body. her peaceful slumbering eyes. I leaned in to her ear.

"Natalie, I love you. You have made my life special. it's ok to go. I will always love you." I kissed her lips one last time and I swear I could see her smiling.

I stood back and was embraced by her family.

Beep. Beep. Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep...