Remember

I remember what it is to lie bruised and broken on the floor.

I remember what it is to let the tears fall like rain.
To let the chaos of the shower drown the heaves of screaming pain.

I remember what it is to lie shivering in the night, afraid
and not knowing why. I remember what it is to hide the
bruises on my skin.

I remember how it looks, and how it feels
to sin. I remember the blood, the tears, but most of all the shame.

I remember how it felt to be forever stained.
A blackness that invades the soul, a night that seeps
within your home. I remember seeing myself in the mirror.
A sight I cringed away from, a face I didn’t know.
A paleness, rimmed in shadow, that cut to the bone.
I remember raising my hand to the glass, just a touch,
to see if what I saw was real.

I remember and I can’t seem to get over how bad it feels.

I know what it is to sink inside yourself.
The darkness that pervades your mind until there’s nothing else.

I know what it is to navigate the twisted road, to be left without
a map and told to go alone. I know what it is to feel beaten down,
to wash away bruises and hide from a frown. I know what it is to shrink in
fear, to cower from anger, and wipe away tears. I know what it is,
to be a mismatched puzzle where none of the pieces fit.

I remember how it was when I walked away.
The click of the phone, the nausea that wouldn’t go away.

I remember how it was when you saw my face.

I remember how it felt that day. It’s the memories that never seem to fade.
They won’t be boxed or stacked; they won’t be shoved to the back.
They sit and fester within my head. Every night they haunt my bed.

Most of all, I remember what it was to crawl toward the door.
To know I wouldn’t make it, before being slammed to the floor.

I know what it is to shrink inside yourself. I know what is
to put your heart upon a shelf. I know what it is to see life pass you by
to see everything you’ve done flash before your eyes. I know what it is to
be dissatisfied. I know what it is, and I push it all away.

I want to be innocent again and enjoy life for life’s sake.