Just a few thoughts

I am lost. Stumbling aimlessly, floating I guess. Nothing seems to matter, inspiration seems almost non existent. I feel like even if I wanted to do well I would find a way to fuck up. Even if I had everything I wanted, I would still be unhappy. Bored, desolate, angsty, fearful, aggressive, ignorant, forgotten, destroyed, these adjectives describe my current thoroughly jaded outlook. I am filled with what I consider to be a childish hope, but I can not seem to find it anymore. I don't know myself. The last few years are a faded blur, more or less. Some things I remember well, only the craziest most extreme things though. I wasted what most people tell me was the best time of their life. That is their life though. I was wasted in every way I could have been. Sitting stoned in in basements, sheds, back yards, backseats and alleyways. I can not imagine having had more fun though. Some would consider it sad. I think of it as exciting, honestly. I mean I could have been doing something more productive than thinking but I can not think of anything more productive. I pretty much raised myself so I have learned right from wrong the hard way, through introspective pondering and experience. I have punished myself through personal judgement more than a lengthy grounding or half heard lecture could ever have. Maybe judging only myself is even worse than judging everyone else, I don't care though. I mean, who the fuck am I? Why should what I have to say about another persons actions or beliefs matter? I really am nobody, neither are you. We, as a whole are somebody. Alone and hidden away I am only holding my entire generation, at least I think I am. I feel the need to band together with my "peers" and fight the old and outdated ways of our father's fathers. On a side note this may seem to be a tangent, but I am trying my damndest to make a point and stay on subject. I do not think I have strayed far, personally. Maybe to you this seems to be going nowhere, but to me. This is just building up to the ever important climax and a realization I hope to come through by typing and reading this. Back to business. We have to be the change we want to see in the world, I forget who said that first but I hope they will not mind my borrowing and paraphrasing of it. I think I am the only person who wants the world to change though. I have been feverishly trying to change myself and break all the old habits I picked up in a tiny unknown country town. To the point that I really am not sure who the overweight unshaved face glaring back at me is when I face the reflective glass above my sink is. I think it is better that way, at least now I am not just indifferent and rebellious. Now I want to be better, I want everything to be better. My outlook, my town, my family, and last but certainly not least our world. We need to stop pointing fingers and casting judgement and face ourselves. The mental shackles we have willing secured and locked need to be broken. We need to shed the media controlled skin and learn to think as a whole. Not uniformly, or anything like that but definitely not self centered and materialistically like we have for so long. Not as separate races and nations as a species. We need to come together and break down the barriers ignorance and fear have so deftly built around us. As a team I am positive that there is not a single problem we could not solve. Together, as one all things could be better. This may seem like a hippyish pipe dream but I know it to be true. Every ounce of my being can feel it's honest tingle. Stop the hate, violence, fear and selfishness. It will never happen, at least not in my lifetime. The world I so uncomfortably reside is is controlled by the almighty dollar and a tightly clenched fist. This all boils down to I need to make myself better. Before I can even hope to make a positive impact on anyone else because I have made such a terribly negative impact on myself. I am afraid to speak up because I fear I will do the same to someone else. Just that one negative person could make it all go to shit, I realize this. Trust me I do. I am working on making myself better to make us all better. This may be wrong though, I consider it to be a self centered fools eerand even though ultimately I want it to help us all not just me. I am lost. Floating more or less in a sea of self doubt and fear. Fear of failure, fear of just making everything worse.