my thoughts

The sorrow no longer pains at my heart. The wounds of past love now only a memory. Your face fades from my mind. The tears you have made me cry, are gone now. The silence my life was filled with is now broken. I hear his voice. As if a hand reached out for mine, and pulled me from the abyss of my broken world.

The things you made me do, the things I said to make you happy. There was no love. I only imagined it.
You turned my world in to chaos. You tore my spirit from my very bones, and made me yours.

Was this love? How could of I thought this? You stole my eyes and held them in darkness. So I would not see horrible things you would do.

If you could only feel the sadness, the emptiness, of how that day felt.
I gave up a piece of me to have you. That is more then most humans will do.
No woman should have to make that choice. And for that I will never forgive you.

I sit now and think, think about what it was that put me on this path.
I am in a strange new town, meeting new friends. I am moving on. I never thought I could. I never thought I was strong enough to make that move.
But I have, and I feel free and alive. More then I have in the last years. I thought I was happy before, but I was only pretending.

Sometimes, I think about gram. I remember walking through that door. Being home. I miss seeing  your face. I miss hugging you. I always took it for granted. And Im sorry for that.
I remember being by your side. After you passed. I held your hand and watched the life leave your body.
I cried, do you remember? I know you were still in that small hospital room. I know you were there with me. I called your name over and over. I didn’t want to believe you were gone.

I went home after that. After I said goodbye to you. I waited days in my room.
Thinking maybe you would come home. . . But you never did.
Sometimes I would have dreams that everything was back to the way it used to be. It was so real. I would walk in and you would be sitting in the living room. I would sit down beside you and make some silly joke. You would laugh, and tell me I need to grow up. I miss those days.

I miss you.

Im trying to think what else I need to talk about, as I sit here listening to music.
I might as well get it all out.

Its strange, I havent been able to write in years…
Maybe now I truly do feel free enough to get it all out.

I have met a boy. He is very special. He makes my heart smile. When he looks at me, I feel so beautiful.
The way he touches my skin, it gives me chills. I love it.
The other night he told me he loved me… we were drinking so I don’t know if it even counts. But he said it. And I remember. I never said it back, but I explained why.. That I couldn’t say it, because the last time I confessed I loved someone, I ended up getting so hurt. I thought I would never recover. A broken heart is the most painful thing I have ever experienced.
And I cant bare to go through it again.
I think he understood. I hope he did.
I do care for him, and I know it hasn’t been long. But I feel so strongly for him. Its overwhelming. I am not quite sure what to make of it.

Now im just ranting. I try not to, I have so much on my mind. And sometimes it is so hard to even get through some of it. I wish I could turn my brain off sometimes.