Anything will do

    I really just need a sign right now. I don't know what to do anymore. Although, I guess it's kind of my fault, I haven't really tried to reach out to anyone lately. I keep all my emotions hidden away from the world. The only one that I actually lets shine through is happiness, and contempt. Not that anyone really cares. They see a smile on a face and think "Well gee, she must be really happy with her life." People are just to niave to see past that fake smile, they just don't want to; or care to dig deep enough. Okay, you got me sure...some people ask "What's wrong?" or, "Are you okay?" But what some don't realize is that they don't ACTUALLY care. They think they are helping you, but really, they only make things worse. Do they really know the pain and suffering that you're facing?...Of course not. Which is why I just say, "I'm fine." That usually is it, they won't bother me anymore. But I guess somewhere deep down inside me, I want one of them to say "No...something's up...talk to me." Who am I kidding though?, everyone is caught up in their own lives; oblivious to what really matters. But, oh boy!, If you find that one person who really cares, please...introduce us, I must meet them.
   
  Sure, I have friends, but the truth is, I'm just an awkward girl, and people don't like me much. Like I said before, nobody is willing to break down those walls to get to know you. If you aren't all bubbly and cheery right off that bat, then you can forget their friendship. Even my true friends don't see what I'm going through, and I don't think they EVER will. They too don't care enough about what really goes on to dig any deeper. Plus I think I'm losing my dearest closest friend, so what have I got to live for anymore? Huh, tell me? What?...Yeah, nothing that's what. But you know, I knew it would happen one day. I mean, it's always been a competition; boys, clothes, looks. But she's always won. The truth is, I've given up. Any guys that've ever liked me, met her and then fell head over heals. People in general have always liked her better, and I guess I envy that about her, but like I said, I don't give a damn anymore. If people care, they'll come to me.

  So, I guess that's why I'm sitting here contemplating suicide; nobody came. They don't care if I sit at home with a bottle of pills in one hand...not sure if I should take them all right now, or throw them in the trash. But right now, I'm leaning more towards taking them. And Like I said before, I REALLY need a sign. I tried logging onto Facebook, to see if my crush was online, so he could talk me through this; he wasn't. So I took that as a bad sign. I try looking around my room, maybe there's a reassuring picture of my mother, but no; the first thing I see are siccors. So I took that as a bad sign too. I won't even look outside for anything, it's just a dark mess of a storm. Well, I guess that you could say that's how I'm feeling at this moment. Dark, and angry. Why won't anyone listen? Why don't they care?

                                                  ~          ~          ~          ~          ~          ~          ~          ~          ~
       
    Hah. So I've thought some more. Thought about what I would be leaving behind if I did it. Oh lets see...First off, a father who is mad all the time. A mother trying to make up for lost times, but failing miserably. A sister, who I don't really connect with because she's so much older. A little brother too young to understand. An older brother too self centered to care. A best friend, who doesn't really care about me. A few other friends that I'm not as close with. A boy who has no idea that I like him. Tons of kids who I'll never be friends with. And yeah, that's about it. Not much right?...I know. I honestly don't know how I've survived for this long. So after seeing what I have to live for, you'd probably agree with me on the whole suicide thing. Or no, you'll go with what everyone else says, "It's just a cry for attention." I know you'll be thinking this, because I said the same thing just a few months ago.But the truth is, I just don't want to live.

    And I don't think that people understand that If I do kill myself, I won't even get the attention. I'LL BE DEAD! I won't even know if people cared enough to show up at my funeral.

    But all of this rambling is beside the point, what we reallt need to get straight is that I have nothing to live for, so I want to die. Nothing dramatic, nothing too sad. Just swallow some pills and I'll be done. Maybe a note saying comforting things like, "Oh mom, this wasn't your fault" and, "I'm happy now." But the truth is that it really was your fault, because you didn't care enough. But no, I could never bring myself to lift a pen and write all of that. It would just make those people feel bad about their selves, and that's not what I'm trying to do here. I'm trying to leave this world, so that I can stop being a burden on everyone else. The way I see it, my death would just be helping them out.

  And I guess that what I'm trying to tell you here is that you SHOULD care, you SHOULD push people until they open up. I know in my heart that if you do, you will be saving someones life. Because only I know their pain, their suffering, that feeling of emptiness. So please, take this advice and just give a little love to the nerd, or the outcast...because in the end, maybe your saving them from their own personal self destruction. And they wouldn't be sitting here, swallowing the last of all fifteen sleeping pills...goodnight.