Forgiven

    How could I have let it happen? She was so innocent and I just watched her die. My best friend. A good heart that the world will never know. She had dreams, dreams that could only be fulfilled by her, and I ruined it. The whole thing happened only moments ago. I was outside with her; we were walking my dog down the side of the road. Even though she was a few years younger than me (about four), she still had sense. But she had ADD. She didn't take her medicine this morning, so she was running all over the place. My mother suggested that we get out of the house so she could have fresh air. I felt like I needed it more than her because the eight-year-old was driving me crazy. As we were walking down the road, my dog leading us with his tail high in the air like a happy cat, and the sun beaming down on us, a car rounded the corner of the road. I saw it and moved into the grass. The dog's leash became tangled around my legs. My friend tried to help me untangle it. But just as she did, the dog took off and bolted into the street. She chased after him, completely ignoring the car. All at once, I tried to scream at her to come back, but she didn't hear me because no sound came out. The car hit her, just like that.

    Now, as I'm lying on my bed with the sheets covering my face, I realize that nothing will ever be the same. She's gone forever, lost from the world. A few times she mentioned going to heaven, but I was never taught to be a religious type. My mother never took me to church and I was never interested, even when my friend offered me to come with her. I don't believe that kind of stuff. People are just crazy enough to think anything now days.

    "Aubrey!" yelled my youngest brother, Peder. He was only three and wasn't sure what was going on. There were people at our house, trying to comfort my family and my friend's family (they are staying at our house for a few days because earlier in the week their house caught on fire).

    I don't reply to Peder. I don't have the strength to. What if something like this happens to him? I can't lose my baby brother right now. Not at the condition I'm in. I hear him walking, or stumbling, up the stairs. He bounces into my room as if he's in a good mood (which he probably is) and opens my door. "Aubrey, Momma wants you down stairs. She wants you to meet someone."

    I uncover my face and glare at the door. Peder stands there with a changing expression from ecstasy to pitiful. I can't help but feel guilt for making him upset. But I'm upset. I should have people feeling sorry for me, but all I get is loneliness and Peder doing a chore for my mother. I haul myself out of bed and shake my long brunette hair out of my face. Peder runs back downstairs, probably in fear that I would lash out. I tramp down out of my room, through the hall, down the stairs, and into the living room. And all I see is sad people.

    My mother whose standing by the front door, beckons me to her. I walk over to her, my face somber, and stand in front of her. "What?" I ask, my voice coming out raspy and crackly. I sound like I had blown my throat out.

    She leads me out the door and into the front lawn. A boy about thirteen or fourteen, maybe my age, is standing there with a serious expression. His dark black hair and green eyes glimmer in the sun's brightness. His face is calm and kind, almost gentle. He crosses his arms and gazes at me for a very long time. My mother sighs like she thinks the boy and I will get into a huge fight if she doesn't hurry this up. "Aubrey, this is Dustin. He moved into a house down the street just yesterday." And my mother hurries back into the house. I hate that action so much, that I clench my fists and bite hard on my teeth.

    The boy bites his lip, suddenly nervous. "Uh, sorry about . . . your friend."

    "Who told you?" I snap.

    "You're mother. She's a very nice lady, by the way."

    "Sometimes," I growl under my breath.

    Dustin awkwardly shifts on his feet and extends his hand to me. "Like your mom said, I'm Dustin. And I am new here. I was really hoping that someone could kind of help me get used to the neighborhood and school. Apparently we're going to the same school. But I know you're going through a lot. You don't have to if you don't want to."

    I think about this for minutes. Dustin, some guy I hardly know, wants to practically be my friend . . . even after I just lost one! But he does need help. No, I can't help someone I don't know. It's not fair to me. Who will make me feel better about my surroundings? Certainly not him! "No," I say a little more harshly than I intend, "I don't want to help someone who will never help me." And with that cruel word, I spin around and begin to walk back to my house.

    "I can help you," says Dustin in a mutter. I doubt he meant for me to hear, but I definitely did.

    "Oh, really?" I shout with a clearer voice, turning back on him. I storm right back up to him. "Can you make someone feel better after their lives were changed greatly? Can you heal me from where I was hurt? Can you take back the moment when she was killed?" Tears stream down my face and dripped off my cheek.

    Dustin shook his head.

    "I didn't think so," I choke.

    "But God can," says Dustin, one second before I try to leave again.

    I stare at him coldly. "I don't care about what this 'God' can do. Never in my life has this religious person done anything for me. He doesn't exist."

    "But he does," says Dustin, smiling so warmly that I can't help but admire him. I'm being so frustrating and he has the guts to smile like it's a joke.

    "Just- just don't talk to me . . . ," I say angrily, turning my back on him. Dustin surprisingly enough catches my arm. I about hit him when he takes my other arm and holds them gently.

    "I want to help you," he says very softly. I'm trying my hardest not to scream or cry while he speaks so nicely to me. "I don't expect you to trust me or be my best friend, but I want you to come to church with me. This Sunday. Don't look at it as a religious place. Think of it as a place of healing. Please come." He gives me that smile again and I give in.

    "All right. It's at ten o'clock. My family will pick you up."

    I'm shaking my head the whole time I walk back into my house with all the mourning people. I'm going to church. But I say to myself over and over that it is not for God or anybody. It's for me. No other reason.



    Dustin sits with me in the back pew. I have my arms crossed as I listen to the preacher go on and on about grace. I'm wearing jeans and a T-shirt tied back with a rubberband. I'm having the hardest time paying attention to the sermon. How is this supposed to help me again? I don't even understand why I'm here. One of the main reasons I agreed to come to church with Dustin is because he wouldn't leave me alone. But in the twenty minutes that I've spent with him so far, I realize that he's not such a bad guy. His mother is very sweet and his little sisters are adorable. Dustin himself . . . , he just has a really good heart. Everytime I ask a stupid question (of course, I don't mean for it to sound that way), he just smiles and answers calmly. How can he act so controled unlike the entire world?

    Dustin hands me a piece of paper and a pencil. I do recall him writing something down, but I can't remember even thinking about it. I look at the note and see that he wrote me something. It read, "How do you like it here so far?"

    I fiddle with the pencil between my fingers for a moment, and then write back, "It's all right. I just can't understand anything the guy's saying."

    When Dustin reads the reply, he chuckles quietly. After about ten seconds, he gives back the paper. "It's all right. Sometimes I have a hard time grasping what the pastor says. Just take a few words that you hear, define them, and make sense of it in your head."

    Okay. I hear the words, "God", "doesn't", "without", and "love". So I start with "God". The so-called creator of Earth, man, etc. "Doesn't" . . . Does not. "Without". Not in posession of. And "love" a strong emotion of compassion for another. Okay, so how do these words relate? What exactly did the preacher say? "God doesn't go on without love." What does that even mean?

    I stand and leave the sanctuary in search of a place to be alone. I can't take it. How could I have come here and planned to understand something. I'm such an idiot. Dustin apparently doesn't think so. He follows me and catches my shoulder. "Hey, what's wrong."

    I turn on him, furious all of a sudden. "How could you bring me here and expect everything to be all right in my life? Everything's already gone down hill. My best friend's dead, my little brother doesn't understand how deadly the world is, and my dad's about to leave us! He might even go to prison first, based on what he does every night!" I don't mean to sound this horrible, but I need to get more of my emotions out. Why do I throw them at Dustin, though? He's only just being friendly. Well, I guess I don't want that right now.

    Dustin surprises me by taking my right hand in his. "Come with me."

    I just stare at him, now confused at why he would take my attitude. I'm about to conclude that he's an alien when he leads me down the hallway. We turn into a dark and emptry room. Dustin closes the door behind us and then flips on the light. He takes me to the center of the room and pushes lightly on my shoulders, indicating me to sit on the floor. He settles across from me, and then he takes both my hands. "What're you doing?" I mutter.

    He completely ignores my question. "Look, I know you're scared and confused, but I want more than anything to help you. We're friends right?"

    "I hardly know you!"

    "Well, we can get to know each other. Aubrey, you deserve to go to heaven as much as the other guy, but the only way to get there is to learn how."

    I close my eyes really hard. "I have no clue what you just said!"

    Dustin thinks for a minute. I look back up at him slowly. He then looks back at me and says very quietly, "Ask me anything you're confused about and I'll answer it in a heartbeat."

    I decided to take him up on that offer. So I rack my brain for an itching question, but nothing seems to come. "I can't think of anything."

    Dustin shrugs. "That's all right. I'll start at the beginning and see what you know." He pulls out a small book from his back pocket. He flips through the pages then closes it. "This is a bible. Did you notice that the pastor had one, too?"

    I nod slowly and mutter, "Yes."

    "Good," he says, smiling. "Now, this is basically God's message to us. It's like a... a letter."

    "How could he write it? Isn't he just a spirit?"

    Dustin's eyes light up. "Yes! See, you do know a bit about God. I guess some of the information seeped through your skull. But your question: God spoke the word through particular people. You'll learn about most of them later, but the major one you should probably know about is Jesus."

    "The guy who was born on Christmas?"

    "Yes," he breathes, now beaming. "He was born in a manger in a stable, grew up never sinning. He taught God's word and died on the cross for us."

    "How? Why would he purposely die?"

    "Because he loves us," Dustin responds.

    I brush my hair behind my ear. "You're acting like he still exists. He died."

    Dustin laughs. Am I asking stupid questions? Did he just decide to forget that I'm new at all this Christian stuff? "He rose from the dead three days later. That's why we have Easter and Good Friday. Jesus died on Good Friday and then rose on Easter."

    "Then what's the stupid bunny for?"

    Dustin shrugs. "Don't know...."

    Out in the hallway, we hear more and more voices. The door to the sanctuary can be heard opening constantly. Dustin stands and gives me a hand. "I think it's time to go," he says. I nod slowly.

    For some reason, I don't want to leave. I was just beginning to understand. Dustin is a great guy that I need to hold onto as a friend or else I'm dead. Guess I learn something new every day.



    School starts becoming interesting. No one knew my friend, so they didn't feel any sympathy for me. Dustin is in all of my classes and talks to me all the time, especially since our lockers are right beside each other. Most of the other boys tried to make friends with him, but when Dustin heard them cursing and talking about girls in a nasty way, he just stuck with me. I don't have many other friends anyway, so I'm fine with him. He's helping me recover, isn't he?

    A few weeks pass. My mother starts to let Dustin come over every day after school. Each visit increases my knowledge of the bible. Slowly, yet surely, I'm feeling better. Sometimes I find myself admiring my deceased friend. My hopes of one day seeing her again are rising and I'm actually starting to smile so much more.

    Dustin makes me laugh. He jokes around more than I thought he would. He told me one afternoon that he was just waiting for me to feel better. I have to say by now, he's my best friend... well, human friend. Dustin told me that God cares for us and is always there. I'm assuming that he's my best friend, then.

    Three months after I've known him, I find myself falling for him. He's cute, sensible, and really understands me. He knows what I'm feeling and how to make it better, whether it's a good or bad feeling. I'm afraid that Dustin doesn't look at me the way I look at him. I guess we'll always be just friends, and I'm all right with that for now.

    More time passes. So much that I'm empty of depression. I go to church every Sunday and Wednesday night now. Dustin's always there with me. He's always asking if I'm all right or if I'm confused. I can't believe after four years he still thinks I don't understand. I don't blame him, though. He helped me through so much. He even told me that he missed answering all my questions. I don't blame him for that either. I asked pretty humorous questions.

    Education starts to take a turn in my life when I become a senior in high school. Dustin is always over, helping me with homework or just to hang out. I had so much knowledge about the bible and Christ, we don't need to have our little lessons each day anymore. The end of the school year is approaching and I'm getting anxious to graduate. Dustin just turned eighteen last week. He loves to rub it in that he's so much older than me. I'll be eighteen on the last day of school. It's funny how graduation is on my birthday. It's like a way to celebrate my birthday. Oh, and prom! Yeah, Dustin and I thought it was stupid, so instead we just went to a movie (I don't have the money for an extremely expensive dress that I'll only wear once in my entire life).

    Dustin barges into my bedroom as I'm texting Peder who is at our grandparents for the afternoon because he got sick and no one could take care of him. "What?" I ask my friend.

    He sits down on my bed next to me and pulls me into a sudden embrace. "Sh.... They're coming...."

    "What are you talking about?" I laugh.

    He pets my hair. "I honestly don't know. I just needed an excuse to hug you."

    I push him away gently. "You're so weird! Really, what are you doing here?"

    He brushes a piece of hair out of my face and behind my ear. Dustin gazes at me, his eyes shining with excitement. "I got into Trevecca."

    This time, I give him a hug. "Good for you! It's a good college."

    He pulls out an envelope. "And I picked up a piece of mail for you on my way up here."

    "Is this-?"
 
    Dustin nods and hands the letter to me. I either got in or I didn't. My fingers tremble as I break the seal and pull out the thin piece of paper. Dustin gently puts his arm around my shoulders as I unfold it and read the first few sentences. A smile spreads across both our faces. "I got in, too," I breathe. "We're going to college together!"

    Dustin stands and offers me a hand. But instead, he pulls me into his arms again and rests his forehead against mine. "This is great. We can still see each other every day. Maybe we'll have classes together," he implied.

    I laugh lightly as my hands continue to tremble. His closeness starts to make me a little nervous, but he's just a good friend, right? Dustin holds both of my hands between us, but I feel like we're still too near each other. I look awkwardly down at my feet, but Dustin lifts my chin with two fingers. "Hey, don't act like this is weird. You're my best friend, no doubt, but I'm not afraid to admit that I want to be more than that."

    And that's when my heart skips a beat... or two... or seven. I catch my breath, but let it out slowly. "When did this start?" I murmur, my voice so quiet that I think I might have to repeat myself no matter how much I don't want to.

    Dustin looks up at the ceiling, thinking back to the day. He then looks back down at me, his gaze so soft that I never want him to let go. "Probably when I started to know you better. When I first saw you, I thought that you were going to kill me, but I did think that you were pretty."

    I narrow my eyes. "Pretty? That's it?"

    "I learned to never judge a book by its cover. The first word that came to my mind when I saw you was, 'oh my goodness.' I don't know if I should've been terrified or awed. I guess both," says Dustin, his eyes still laughing.

    "Then you were very brave because I think you were irritating me."

    Dustin laughs and shakes his head. "I wasn't trying to. I help people WAY too much."

    "You do. Um... can I please move?"

    "What? Oh, sorry," says Dustin, his cheeks turning red. I try to ignore it and sit down on my bed. I look at the letter again.

    Dustin gathers his cool and sits next to me. He puts his hand on top of the one supporting me. "What do you think would happen if we started dating?"

    I feel like my face has grown pale too many times by now. "I think," I said, discovering some cool of my own as I still continue to stare at my letter, "that I would be a very happy girl."

    Dustin considers this, thinks it through in his mind. "And if I asked you out, right here, you would say yes?"

    "Nope!" I say immediately. Why am I such an idiot? Of course I would say yes! I guess I have to make up a way where I would say yes. I mean, who wouldn't want to date Dustin? Oh! Got one....

    "Really? You're making no sense to me at all," he stutters.

    I laugh. "Well, this is my bedroom. It's not a very efficient place, don't you think?"

    Dustin nods very slowly. "Hm.... I have to go now...." He stands, waves good bye, and then leaves my room.

    I shake my head and sigh. "I really need to find normal friends," I say under my breath.

    "Heard that!" Dustin calls from the hallway.



    It's the night before graduation. Dustin suddenly texts me and wakes me up from a small doze in my living room. My mother laughs at me from the kitchen. "If only you'd take the vibration away!" she calls.
 
    "No thanks!" I retort. Looking at my phone, I read the text in my head. He wants me to meet him outside in three minutes. Why three minutes specifically? Well, he's not normal. I reply to his text quickly. "I have to do something, Mom," I say as I stand and walk to the front door.

    "All right. Don't be too long. You need to help me with dinner."

    "Kay." I quickly go down the steps of the front porch, only to be tackled by my crazy friend. "AGH!" I cry in surprise.

    Dustin laughs. He practically pins me to the ground, his arms around me tightly. I role onto my back in the grass, breathing hard. He really scared me! Dustin can't stop laughing. I turn my head and stare at him through narrowed eyes. "You disgust me," I say, slightly humorously.

    "You think I don't know that?" He sits up and helps me up as well. He doesn't let go of my hands, though.

    "What're you-?"

    "Come with me!"

    "But I have to-"

    Dustin drags me to my feet and forces me to follow him across the street and into the woods. "No questions, please!"

    I roll my eyes in agitation. This kid is never going to quit bothering me. And we're going to college together? We slow to a walking pace in the forest. He pulls me by the hand to walk beside him. I bite my lip. Things always get weird between us when we're here. Trust me, I know.

    "What are we doing?" I ask softly.

    "Something I like to call a STRAINED WALK to the girl and a ROMANTIC WALK to the boy."

    "Dustin, I have no clue what that means."

    "Key words, Aubrey. Key words."

    After about twenty minutes of walking who-knows-where, Dustin stops and turns to me. He takes both my hands and draws me close to him. His eyes capture my gaze. Creepy. Only sometimes. "So, if I were to ask you out, right here, right now, you would say yes?"

    I know what he's doing. My heart begins to race. I can't say no this time. I can't. Dustin is too precious to me to crush. Only if he wants me that much. "We'll see," I murmur.

    "Here's the problem. I can't think of a good way to ask you out because technically that's a terrible way to explain boyfriend and girlfriend titles. Since you get the idea of what I want, will you accept whatever kind of invitation I'm trying to give?"

    I smile, laugh, and shake my head. "You're so confusing, but yes."


   
    Graduation is very emotional. Well, for my parents and all the other graduates who'll never see each other again. Dustin and I could care less. We're dating. We're going to college together. What next? Oh, jeez. That's an . . . interesting thought.

    It's very dark out. The gym where we had all graduated in seemed much, much brighter. Dustin and I walk behind our parents, holding hands and not speaking one bit as we walk through the parking lot to Dustin's car. We drove here together. Thank goodness my parents don't have much sentimental thoughts towards that. Our parents refused to let us take our graduation robes off. We would when we got back to my house. Our parents wanted to celebrate. I can imagine what the purpose is even for. "Yay, Aubrey graduated with a real life friend who doesn't want to stab her in the back."

    Yeah, a bunch of girls from school found out about Dustin and me. J-E-A-L-O-U-S-Y. It was really funny actually. Even the teachers were surprised, which kind of offended me.

    "Hey," Dustin says suddenly, "guess what."

    I smile warmly. "What?"

    "I will ALWAYS be older than you."

    I shake my head in pure humor. "What does that have to do with anything about tonight?"

    "Because it only makes me happier," he says, swinging our hands playfully back and forth. "Oh, I figured out our entire life story."

    "Let me hear it."

    Dustin chuckles. "Before I tell you, I should probably mention that it was a MASH app on my iPod, but I still like the way it's planned."

    I'm determined to know what he's talking about. "Okay . . . ."

    "Okay, so, I marry you at age 23, we get married in Italy," he begins to recall.

    I nod with the you're-such-an-idiot look on my smiling face.

    "I'm a children's pastor, you're my 'sidekick,' and we both drive a blue hippie van."

    I stop him right there. "Did you put that one in yourself?"

    He nods cooly. "Sure did. Oh, and guess how many kids we have?"

    I sigh. "Oh, joy," I mutter under my breath.

    "Fourteen."

    Almost choking on my spit, my eyes widen and I stare at him. "NOT HAPPENING!"

    Dustin laughs his usual, loving laugh. "I know, that one's a little farfetched, but one of the options was twenty, so be glad that it was a little lower."

    "I'll die before I have fourteen kids."

    "And I'll be very sad."

    "You really think we're going to get married, don't you?" I ask him, still in an amusing tone. Nothing's serious between us anymore.

    Dustin cocks his head at me. "You might want to think of what you want your engagement ring to look like."

    I just shake my head. He's SO hyper. I love that about him, though. "Dustin, if we're getting married one day, you do know that you'll have to ask me, right?"

    Dustin completely ignores the question. "Oh! I left out one more part that's pretty important. We're living in a mansion. Oh, here's another. We have a rabid squirrel named Felipe."

   

    Honestly, the two of us are inseparable. We even ride to college together in Dustin's car. Our parents have all our stuff with them in their vans. I think they REALLY want us out of the house even after college. Of course, Dustin will propose right afterwards. How long am I here again?

    Trevecca's a nice college. Professors great. Students actually accept me. The only time Dustin and I can't be together is when we're in our dorms. Completely understandable. But of course, we grow much closer together. When we go to the baseball games at night, we settle at the picnic tables far away from everyone. We're shaded by trees and it makes us both feel better for some reason.

    I'm going to skip ahead because the rest of college is just nothing.

    So when we get OUT of college . . .  and about a year later or so . . . .



    Our apartment's small. Just our room, a guest room (in which Dustin hope's a baby will sleep in someday), a bathroom, kitchen/living room. We don't care, really because our lives a just so simple. We have a shelf with buckets labeled for money. Tithing, gas for car, apartment money, all that kind of stuff. It's a really good way to spread out how much we spend. But then there's a bucket filled to the top with extra money that doesn't divide evenly. We plan to fix that problem later.

    When we got married, I felt like the ceremony was rushed by our parents. Were we that bad of kids? Well, Peder was sad to see his big sister all grown up and married, but he's grown up too.

    I soon realize just how much Dustin loves me. He dealt with me when I was probably at the suicidal point. He cared enough to convince me to go to church with him. I changed.

    Yeah, yeah, so we haven't had any kids yet. Just you wait . . .



    Okay, so here's our family now, seven years later. Dustin, the wonderful husband/father. Me, the weird, mental wife/mother. Tess, my beautiful newborn girl. And then little Anna, my sweet two-year-old. I named her after my friend. The one who died and went to heaven.
   

    TRUST IN THE LORD WITH ALL YOUR HEART
    LEAN NOT ON YOUR OWN UNDERSTANDINGS
    IN ALL YOUR WAYS ACKNOWLEDGE HIM
    AND HE WILL MAKE YOUR PATH STRAIGHT

                                                  -PROVERBS 3:5-6

NOTE: If you want a sequel, please send me a review! Thanks!