The Greatest Fairy Tale Ever

         13-year-old Little Red Riding Hood was sitting in her room, texting away and playing videogames. She was also updating her social status on the interweb using a telecommunication device, also known as the mobile phone. Little Red's Mum walked in wearing a blue dress and white cotton shawl. She had an enormous beehive of curly dark brown hair and a plump, freckly face.
         "Little Red," she called. "It's time to come out of your room, you've been there for twelve years." Little Red gave an irritated sigh as she stood up.
         "All right Mum," she grumbled as she put on her red cloak and pulled up the red hood.
         "Take this gu... I mean these buns to your Grandma - she's awfully ill."
         Little Red sighed as she took the straw basket. The top was covered in a red and white chequered blanket so the contents were hidden. She walked out of her room and down the stairs. "Whatever you do, don't stray away from that path!" Mum called as Red walked out the front door into the woods.
         Mum walked to the small square window and watched Red disappear amongst the trees. She whipped out her mobile phone and rapidly dialled a number, her finger a blur as she pressed buttons. Finally she tapped the call button and the phone began to buzz. Then there was the crackling sound of her call being confirmed by the recieving phone.
         "Yello?" demanded someone, his voice thick with a Russian accent.
         "It's me," said Mum impatiently. "She's on the path."
         "Very good - she won't escape."
         "She'd better not, Big Bad Wolf," snapped Mum.
         "Oh, and by the way," said Wolf. "I'm expecting double for this. After that Three Little Pigs catastrophe I really need to clear my name."
         "Don't worry," Mum assured him. "Do the job and you'll get the money."
         "OK," murmured the Wolf. Then he hung up.


         The seven dwarves trooped out in a line into a clearing in the forest. They were all dressed in coats, cream shorts and boots. One had a red coat, the second had an orange coat, the third had a yellow coat, the next had a green coat, the one after that had a light blue coat, the dwarf behind him had a dark blue coat and the last dwarf had a purple coat. They all had huge, bush-like black beards.
         Snow White followed in a long pale yellow dress that brushed the grass beneath her feet. She clutched her long black hair.
         "Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to work we go!" the dwarves chanted. "We work all day, we get no pay, hi ho, hi ho, hi ho, hi ho..."
         "Would you STOP SINGING?!" screamed Snow White, throwing up her hands. "I'm sorry but you have been singing for the past SIX HOURS! Would you BE QUIET?!"
         The dwarves buried their faces in their hands, shaking and sobbing. Snow White sighed with relief. But then the dwarves started giggling, lifting their faces out of their hands.
         "Hi ho, hi ho..." And they continued to sing their song. Then they turned to start marching again. Suddenly, a witch burst through their midst. The dwarves were scattered like skittles, falling to the ground. Snow White gasped in shock, then fainted onto the grass. The witch had a pointy black hat that could take someone's eye out. She also wore a long black dress that seemed to suck the light out of the air around her.
         "Ha, ha, ha," cackled the witch. She pulled a rosy-red apple out of her dress. "This apple will send Snow White into a sleeping death, a sleeping death that can only be broken by true love's kiss. But let's be serious: what are the chances of that happening?" She continued to cackle to herself, revelling in the brilliance of her plan.
         Little Red walked into the clearing.
         "Oh no," she murmured. "I have strayed from the path." She walked over to the dazed dwarves. "Excuse me dwarves, do you know the way to my Grandma's house?"
         "There!" cried all the dwarves. The sat upright and pointed in different directions. Then they all collapsed again. Red sighed then strode over to the witch, stepping past Snow White who was now feebly stirring.
         "Excuse me..." she began as she tapped the witch's shoulder. The witch jumped and whirled around in surprise.
         "No, my poisoned apple!" shrieked the witch as it fell out of her hands.
         "Poisoned apple?" shouted the dwarves, so loudly that they woke Snow White. The witch gasped and ran as the dwarves scrambled up and chased after her. Snow White, just realising what had happened, leapt up and dashed after the dwarves.
         "Oh," said Red. She bent down annd picked up the apple. "I'm sure my Grandma would love some healthy fruit in her diet." Then she skipped off.


         Three men in black and grey clothes stalked through the woods, glancing about uneasily and whispering to each other. Then Little Red came skipping out of the bushes.
         "Oh, hello," said Red. "Who are you?"
         "I'm Rooster, this is Hound and this is Mouse," said the tallest man. Red blinked.
         "What are you three cheery chaps doing in this deep, dark part of the woods?"
         "We're off to the house of Herr Korbes, of course," said Hound.
         "Oooh, for a party?" asked Red. "I love parties, with cakes and balloons and music, but not clowns. I don't like clowns. I don't think they're funny. My friend's funny though, she tells me lots of jokes. LOL."
         "Um, no," said Mouse. "We're going to murder him." Rooster took out a slender silver pipe out of his large black overcoat. He stepped roward and held it to Mouse's throat.
         "Quit you fool!" he hissed. "She'll ruin our brilliant plan!"
         "Okay," mumbled Red, feeling terrified inside but holding a calm expression. "Bye then."
         "Goodbye, little one," said Hound. The retreated to the bushes and vanished from sight. Red turned, then ran.
         "Who's Herr Korbes again?" murmured Red to herself. "Wasn't he that guy from CSI: Miami? No wait, Herr Korbes is that old man who lives on his own." Then she saw a cottage. Red dashed inside and slammed the door shut behind her. Then she turned and saw an old man sitting on a rocking chair - it was Herr Korbes!
         He wore a large, furry red dressing gown and a pair of gold-rimmed spectacles. He wore thick woollen socks and a pair of green and white striped slippers. In one hand he held a thick cigar which he was silently smoking.
         "Mr Korbes!" cried Little Red.
         "Yes?" puffed Herr Korbes.
         "Sir, a trio of sinister individuals plot to attack you in your home!"
         "Oh my!" gasped Korbes.
         "We should think about escaping." Then there was a knock at the door.
         "Who is it?" wheezed Korbes.
         "Herr Korbes, we've come for you!" declared a voice from outside.
         "Go away!" wailed Korbes.
         "Herr Korbes, open up or we'll huff, and we'll puff, and we'll smash your windies in! There was a loud bang as Mouse kicked open the door and leapt in, followed swiftly by Hound and Rooster. Rooster brandished his silver pipe that gleamed in the light. Hound held a large gun that he targeted on Herr Korbes. And Mouse was armed with... a spoon.
         "A spoon?" cried Herr Korbes. "What kind of a weapon is that?"
         "One of a kind!" cried Mouse. Korbes sighed and Red rolled her eyes.
         "Korbes, we're here to kill you for no apparent reason," snapped Hound. The three murderers and Red and Herr Korbes circled until Red and Herr Korbes had their backs to the door.
         "Oh, very well then," sighed Korbes. "I'm a lonely old man with no joy in the world... take me!"
         "Gladly." The murderers advanced.
         "Look behind you! A distraction!" cried Red. The three men spun round, looking for something.
         "Leg it!" cried Little Red. The two of them turned and bolted out the door into the forest. The murderers spun round but they were too late.
         "This is all your fault, you gullible little fool!" shouted Hound savagely, rounding on Mouse. "I had to sell my house and send my children to the candy mines to pay for this gun!"


         Far away from the cottage, Herr Korbes and Red slowed down to a halt.
         "Say," wheezed Korbes. "Do you have any food?" He took another puff of his cigar.
         "Well, I have these buns," said Red, pointing at the basket that hung from her arm. "But those are for my Grandma. So, I guess you'll just have to starve." Herr Korbes looked horrified. "Only joking," laughed Little Red. She took the apple out of her pocket. "You can have this." Herr Korbes took it with a smile.
         Red turned round to look for her Grandma's house. Herr Korbes took a bite and toppled instantly. He lay sprawled on the ground, stone-dead. "Come on Mr Korbes, you must meet my Grandma," said Little Red as she walked off.
         A few minutes later, the Big Bad Wolf leapt out of the bushes and crouched next to Herr Korbes' body.
         "Why, it's Herr Korbes!" he cried. He withdrew a knife from his belt and held it to Herr Korbes' throat. "Tell me where Little Red is, or you die!" There was nothing for a few seconds. "Or you die!" Wolf glanced unsurely from side to side, then held his fingers to Korbes' neck. "He's dead," murmured Wolf. "CURSES!" He leapt up, then ran into the trees.


         "Oh the single ladies, oh the single ladies," sang Rapunzel. Suddenly there was a scream of agony, but Rapunzel ignored it.
         Far below at the bottom of her tower, the Prince wailed in pain. Rapunzel's singing stung his ears like knives. His two guards were lucky because they wore helmets that covered their ears.
         "Tell me again, why must I marry Rapunzel?" the Prince demanded.
         "Remember your Highness," said one guard. "It's your duty as a prince to protect your kingdom from hardship and woe. The girl has been wailing her head off for a few days now and no one can get any sleep. With coffee supplies perilously low, you must marry her now before the entire kingdom falls into chaos and anarchy."
         "And how will marriage solve the problem?" asked the Prince.
         "Just roll with it, mate," said the other guard. The Prince looked up and called to Rapunzel.
         "Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair."
         Rapunzel stopped and stared down at the Prince and his two knights.
         "Really, seriously?" she demanded. "Is that the best you can do?"
         "What?!" cried the Prince. "Oh fine." He cleared his throat. "Do you have a map? Because I keep getting lost in your eyes."
         Oh what a bore," yawned Rapunzel. The Prince tried again.
         "Is there an airport nearby, or is that just my heart taking off?"
         "I think I'll pass," sighed Rapunzel. "But your friend is kinda cute though."
         "What?" shouted the Prince in outrage.
         "Me?" cried the second guard, stepping in front of the Prince.
         "I'm talking to you honey," said Rapunzel, pointing at the guard.
         "You're fired!" roared the Prince and he stood beside his other guard, looking furious.
         "Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your fair hair," called the guard, bending down on one knee. Rapunzel let her hair fall out of the tower ina long tendril as Little Red came skipping up the hill. Then she noticed the long rope of hair.
         "Oh," she said. "What is this I see before me?" She walked past the Prince and the guard, shoved the other guard aside and yanked Rapunzel's hair with such force that it was torn from Rapunzel's scalp. Rapunzel gave a scream of pain and disappeared from sight into the tower. Little Red grimaced, then dropped the hair at her feet.
         "Hah!" yelled the Prince, pointing at the tower window where Rapunzel had been moments before. Then he turned and strode away, followed by his two guards, the second of which was looking very meek.
         "Why, I've found you!" cried a sharp, Russian-accented voice. Red whirled round and saw the Wolf.
         "Hello," said Little Red.
         "I'm sorry what?" asked the Wolf. "Are you not going to comment on my bigs ears, my big nose, my big mouth?"
         "No, why?" said Little Red.
         "No reason," said Wolf. "Anyway, you are going to die!"
         "Oh, we'll see about that Mr Wolf," said Little Red. "There's only one way to settle this..."
         "Dance off!" they said in unison. Then they launched into a dance routine, stamping their feet, spinning round and sliding from side to side. Then Wolf lunged for Red and punched her in the mouth. Red crumpled to the floor and the Wolf towered over her.
         "NO!" Wolf turned to see Herr Korbes reach the top of the hill. The two began to run at each other but then stopped as Herr Korbes began to cough horribly. He coughed and spluttered for several minutes.
         "You know you really should stop smoking," said Wolf. "I did a few months ago and it did wonders for my heart." Herr Korbes stopped coughing and the two of them began to fight. Wolf drew his knife and slashed at Korbes, who avoided it with the Matrix dodge, bending backwards and cartwheeling his arms. When the Wolf stopped, Korbes stood upright and slapped the knife from Wolf's hands.
         Wolf cursed and staggered backwards, clutching his wrist. "Wait old man, think about what you're doing!" he protested.
         He lashed out with his paws but Herr Korbes parried all the blows, before roundhouse kicking Wolf in the ribs. Wolf was now doubled over in pain. "What ARE you?!" screamed Wolf.
         "Korbes... Herr Korbes!"
         The Wolf yelled as Herr Korbes kicked him in the temple and knocked him backwards off his feet. The Wolf lay sprawled on the ground.
         "Smoking kills," gasped Korbes, then he collapsed. Red scrambled over and crouched next to Korbes' dying body.
         "Mr Korbes!" she cried.
         "Young one, I'm dying - again."
         "You came back. Why?"
         "You see, little one," murmured Korbes. "Your childish antics and youthful adventures have made me feel young once again, and I die a happy man." Then his body went limp and his head thudded to the ground.
         "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" wailed Little Red.
         "Enough already, some of us have to die!" called the Wolf angrily.
         Red lay shaking and sobbing on the grass when Korbes stirred.
         "Oh and by the way," he said "You Grandmother lives in an awfully sinister-looking shack a few miles down the road."
         "Yay, Grandma," squeaked Red. She picked up her basket, stood up and dashed off.


         Within half an hour, she reached a creepy shack in the forest. She opened the door and went in. There was next to no furniture - only a rotting table, some chairs and an ancient desk. The place was dimly lit by a single candle.
         Red shut the door then glanced about. "Grandma?"
         "I'm hear my sweet," called a croaky, feminine voice. Out of the shadows came Red's Grandma. She was hunched over and wore a velvet navy cloak, a dark purple dress and was supported by a wooden staff.
         "Oh Grandma," sighed Little Red. "If only you knew the misfortunes that had befallen me."
         "I know quite well my darling saccharine," said Grandma.
         "Do you have a dictionary?" asked Red.
         "Saccharine means 'excessively sweet'," sighed Grandma.
         "Anyway, what do you mean you know?" asked Red. "You knew about the Wolf?"
         "Of course I did," said Grandma coolly. "I paid your mother to hire him to kill you!"
         "Why?" gasped Red.
         "Because!" snapped Grandma. "You hardly ever come here, and when you do you just sit there, texting when you should be listening to me saying about how my life was vastly superior to yours!"
         "But you wanted me dead," pointed out Little Red. "That seems a bit harsh."
         "Enough!" screeched Grandma. "You will not rob me of my vengeance!" And she began to hobble towards Red, very slowly.
         Suddenly Little Red felt something vibrating and buzzing in her pocket. She reached in and felt her mobile phone. She took it out and up popped a message. She read it.
         "Little Red, check the basket?" she said unsurely. She bent down and reached into her basket and withdrew - a shiny black gun.
         Grandma's jaw dropped. Red raised the gun and fired. The bullet hit Grandma between the eyes and killed her. Red lowered the gun and dropped it back in the basket.
         "Well done!" cried a voice from seemingly nowhere. Suddenly two men appeared in front of her.
         "Who're..." Red began.
         "The Brothers Grimm," replied the two men in unison.
         "So you..."
         "Created you, yes," said Jacob Grimm.
         "Was this all intended?" asked Red.
         "Yes," said Wilhelm Grimm. "Grandma was evil and had to be stopped."
         "So what now?" asked Red.
         "I think we can whip up a happy ending," said Wilhelm. He turned to his brother and they began to talk quickly and quietly. Jacob took out a book and a quill and wrote something in the book.
         Suddenly Grandma's cottage melted away and Red, Wilhelm and Jacob found themselves in a palace ballroom. Tables covered in snacks and drinks and food lined the walls. The floor beneath them was solid marble. A crystal chandelier glittering with candles hung from the ceiling. Red looked down and realised that all her normal clothes and red hood had been transformed into a crimson dress. All the people from her adventure were here.
         There were the seven dwarves, Snow White, the Prince and his two guards, Rapunzel (thankfully with her hair attached) - and Herr Korbes! Red smiled.
         "Now what?" she asked.
         "Party!" cried Wilhelm, and everyone started dancing.