This is For You!

         This is for you the little girl with no daddy, no friends, no self confidence, no purpose in life. This is for you to read and understand and have a better insight on why I am the way I am and why you might be the way you are. This is for anyone who has ever been hurt by the ones who were supposed to love you or lied to by the ones who promised to always tell the truth. This is for those who have felt alone like an outsider all their lives. The ones who just wanted to fit in and be liked and loved. This is for anyone who has ever thought about suicide because at the time life just seemed unbearable. This is for the little fat girl that used to be teased and probably still is.

Is happiness too much to ask for? That’s all I’ve ever wanted and maybe I will get it someday, but that day is nowhere near now. When you are a baby you have no idea what you are getting yourself into when you decide to come out your safe haven. The magical womb. You have no idea what kind of family you are being brought into. You can only hope for the best. God or whoever you believe in brought you here for a purpose right? When you’re a baby everything is perfect until you get older, until you are able to realize what’s going on.

I begin to realize when I was like five or six years old that life was not what I wanted it to be. One would think at such a young age you would not be able to remember much about your child hood but I remember every single detail. I was born in Milwaukee, Wisconsin to my mother who was there but not there and my father who was never there and the person that I blame for all my faults but we’ll get to that a little later. I remember things being okay at first or so I thought. I remember being dropped off at this place. I don’t know what they were called, but you could drop your kids off if you needed a break and then pick them back up when the weekend was over. I remember crying and screaming for my mommy not to leave us there. I still don’t know why she did that, but as we went more and more I got used to it.
I remember life being great and then my aunt and cousins moving in with us (not so great). I remember having so much food and not being able to touch it. I can see it just like it was just yesterday about eight people eating one pack of ramen noodles, watered down with vegetables in it wondering why if we had so much we got so little. I remember Cristina getting beat so badly she could barely walk just because she stole a can of peaches out of our own cabinet. I remember getting beat because some bitch lied on me (I’m not holding a grudge). I remember being happy and then not so happy. I remember everything being taken away from me. Everything that I loved being ripped from my little hands and boxed up tight never to be seen again. I remember one time in particular when I was held hostage by my own family, my uncles and my good ole Aunt. I remember being held in my own house with the doors barricaded up and guns across their chest. I remembered being lied to. I remember her telling me that my mother didn’t want me anymore and that I would never see her or my father again. My aunt was smart, she was really good she made it seem so real she even forged a letter from my mother explaining why she was leaving us. I remember my dad coming to the door and them threatening him. I remember everybody trying to get us out and failing. I remember smiling when I saw blue flashing lights and them sitting in the back of the police cars, getting carried off to jail.

I remember moving in with my dad. He loved animals. There were dogs and snakes and even an iguana. I remember my dad getting married to a white woman. Yes, that’s where I get my attraction to white guys from. I remember thinking she was a nice woman and liking her until years later (you will definitely find out why).  So anyway we moved in with my dad but we weren’t there for long because my mom could not take living with him. He never believed in cleanliness. I remember Christmases with my dad’s side of the family. They never really wanted to include me and my sister and brothers. I remember my half sister being born and her being the prettiest little thin ever. I remember hating my other half siblings with a passion and us always having family wars. It was only five of us then on my dad’s side now it’s like seven or even maybe more… you never know with him. Yes he is a baby boomer.
I remember Milwaukee being so cold. Feet of snow. We had to walk home from school there were no school buses. One day we got on the city bus and we were riding home and had to go the bathroom. I was really young and could not hold my bladder very well. I remember us going to so many different places asking if I could use the bathroom and each and everyone telling us no. I wonder why? I remember the frost bite. Not being able to move my toes for hours. The pain was brutal. I’m so glad I still have my feet.

I think I was in Kindergarten in Milwaukee. I remember making cement handprints. My last memory of Milwaukee was of my mom coming to pick me up from school on the one day I really wanted to be there. We were getting our year books and having a party I was so excited and then my mom ruined it by picking me up early. She told me we were moving to Louisiana. So we packed up everything in like a day and were gone so fast on that first midnight train to Louisiana. More specifically Covington Louisiana. Louisiana wasn’t that bad. We were there two years. First and second grade for me. I made new friends and everything was okay until it wasn’t. Louisiana was known for racism, I remember going to the playground in the back of my apartment building and the fence would be knocked down and racial slurs would be painted on it in all white saying stuff like, “leave niggers”. Those words haunted me. I was afraid to go back there.  I always thought what if they came back while we were playing. Some people were just ruthless. We didn’t stay in those apartments long. I remember us moving into a house on sunny avenue. We had friends who lived down the street but I remember us not being able to pass their house because there were people down there who didn’t like our kind. There were a lot of undercover racist in Louisiana. I remember having friends at school and not being able to go to their houses because daddy didn’t black people. You live right next door to a huge family of blacks and you just go outside smile in their faces, “howdy neighbors”, like everything is great you’re not judging them until you go back in your house and close the door. That’s when it comes out, “them uppity niggers, they don’t belong here, this is our town”. What kind of shiz is that? It really kills me now that people were and still are so narrow- minded. I want to say the world should be equal but let’s be real that will never happen.

This is for you who have ever experienced hatred because of the color of your skin. This is for you who tried to dye your skin a different color because you wanted to blend in. This is for those whom have been hurt and still are because of racism.
Now as you can see I did not mention my father in that section of my life. Why?  Because he wasn’t there. He never called, didn’t write me, never came to visit, Nothing. But I’ll get back to that.

This is for you the little fat girl or boy who was picked on throughout the years until you lost some weight. This is for you the tallest girl in your class also known as Gigantar. This is for you the kid whose parents couldn’t afford to buy him/her the best name brand clothes. This is for you who ate lunch alone. This is for you who cried to your mommy asking her why people were so mean. Why mommy? This is for those who were too scared to fight back then. This is for those who are the bullies now because they were bullied.

After living in Louisiana or two years we moved to South Carolina because of a death in the family. I remember wrapping myself around the tree in our front yard, holding on as tight as I could, crying and screaming because I did not want to leave. I didn’t get to say goodbye to my friends. Every time we moved it was just so sudden, so fast. When I left Louisiana I was a good size. Thick. I had a little belly but in no way was I fat. I wore skirts back then. Third and fourth grade were fine. I made new friends again and I was getting accustomed to SC. Fifth grade I switched schools, and that’s when it started. Me getting picked on. I had gained weight over the summer. A lot of weight due to the fact that I didn’t know anybody and the only activity I did was girl scouts. So I stayed in the house a lot and just ate my life away. I was a big little girl. So I switched schools, we moved to district one. Little kids can be so cruel. Teasing me, playing tricks on me. I remember a boy coming up to me saying “hey, my friend likes you” and I remember the friend saying, “no I don’t she’s fat!” I never told on anyone. I never told my mom or teacher kids were picking on me. I just didn’t want to draw any more attention to myself then what was necessary. As I got older the teasing stopped some but till this day, boys still play that childish little game.

The elementary school chapter came to an end and soon after Middle school passed but not before I had another run in with my father. I don’t quite remember exactly what grade I was in but I do remember having my heart broken on the one day I love the most Christmas. That was a sad Christmas. We had just moved into a new house, so money was real tight and I remember my mom telling us that we would not have anything that year. I didn’t believe her though, so I woke up early Christmas morning expecting to see something under the tree and there was nothing. But I didn’t let that get me down because a few weeks earlier, after weeks of searching for my dad I had finally got in contact with him and he promised me he would drive down and pick me up on Christmas. I remember staring out the window waiting for a car to pull up and waiting for the phone to ring but neither happened. Biggest disappointment of my life. It still brings me to tears to this day. The one time I actually believed him he let me down. I was so excited had my bags packed and ready to go. He didn’t even have the decency to call and tell me he was not coming. I had nothing that day. I gave up that day. I gave up on being a part of his life. I didn’t care anymore about anything. I just held everything in.

Holding all my anger in just manifested into me having a really bad outlook on life. I went to high school with a fuck the world mentality. I was a big little bitch. I mean I was so evil. Just so mean to everybody and anybody. People laugh about it now and tell me how I was just a nasty little girl. They had no idea how messed up I was on the inside.

So lets back track a little. I have two older brothers and an older sister. My eldest brother lived in Denver with his father during all this. His dad is the only one who actually stuck around. We all have different fathers. So it was me and my brother and sister who lived with my mom. I went to high school following in their footsteps. My brother was the bad one, always getting suspended from school and the one people feared. My sister was the bad one too but not really in school. In school she was popular, the girl with a lot of friends, a new boyfriend for each day of the week. She inherited the big butt in the family. And everyone knows how much guys like a nice round apple bottom, so that was that. She was the pretty one. People used to say to me, “When you get older and you look just like your sister I’ll date you then”, like that wasn’t an insult. But any who my sister was on color guard for the band. And I was against joining it to my freshmen year because I didn’t want to be known as Jalisha’s little sister. But I tried out for the team with my best friend at the time and I made it. Of course I had haters who said I only made it because of my sister and who was one of the best color guard girls there was.

TO BE CONTINUED...