I love you..

Me: You see.. I just feel like you don’t care about me whatsoever and that u only care about shilo and zel… like I’m a piece of trash and a waste of space… and when shilo gets on you just leave me.. Yes,, it might be jealousy, but I’ve been feeling this way for the longest time now..
Him: ._.
Me: >__>
Him: I can’t believe you think I don’t care about you..
Me: I feel like I’m just a fuck buddy to you that u can fuck when dusty or no one else is available!
Him: ._.
Me: that’s how I feel, Jake..
Him: I understand..
Me: You’re mad at me, aren’t you
Him: No
Me: u sound like it
Him: if anything I’m mad at my self
Me: I don’t blame you
Him: I need to go
Me: go where

-10 or 20 min later-

Him: I’m sorry...
Me: whirred you go
Him: cut for a while.
Me: …….
Him: I’m sorry
Me: that’s it.
Him: sorry
Me: you can be sorry all you want I’m done with everything
Him: I love you
Me: If you loved me you wouldn’t be cutting yourself.
Him: Don’t be a hypocrite.
Me: Then you stop fucking cutting yourself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Do you even know what that does to me?!?!?!?
Him: obviously I don’t care
Me: Ok.
Him: you said yourself didn’t you? I don’t care about you right?
Me: I was just telling you how I felt
Him: so now how do you think I feel?
Me: upset? Mad at me?
Him: why should I be mad at you?
Me: because of what I told you earlier
Him: you don’t think I get jealous too? When I hear about all these guys? And like when I heard what you have done with guys. And how it made me feel – sick. I love you so much... and ofcourse I fucking care about you, Lisa. More than fucking zel or dusty. You know how hard it is, trying to please everyone? It’s impossible.

[I cried even more when he said this]

Me: Who ever said that you had to please everyone?
Him: And now I’m laying here bleeding and holding my dog in my arms alone and depressed and I just can’t do this shit anymore. But I force myself
Me: Jake I’m alive because of you! Even if I cut myself every night and think that death is the only reasonable way out, I keep telling myself that you’re there. Jake will help me through this.
Him: I won’t always be there for you.
Me: I know. I’ve already experienced what that feels like, and I honestly don’t want to feel that again, but I can’t stop it from happening.
Him: so when I go you go. When you go I go. Doesn’t that put pressure on both?
Me: yes
Him: ._.
Me: I’m scared of losing you Jake..
Him: tell me when you ready to die
Me: not quite yet…. And you’re not dying. You have shilo, you can’t do that to her
Him: .-.
Me: you promise me not to kill yourself? Cause honestly.. You’re just scaring me right now..
Him: No. I don’t promise.

[Right here, I broke down, and had the knife in my hand…. But I forced myself through.. I told myself “until the end of this conversation, Lisa.. He won’t notice then..”]

Me: …
Him: at least I’m being honest.
Me: yeah but you’re just scaring me right now..
Him: prefer me to lie?
Me: no… the worst part is though that I’m the one who caused it all.. Once again..
Him: I caused it.. U just highlighted it.
Me: how did you cause it
Him: by being a whore
Me: you were not being a whore
Him: how many girls can you name? That I have told I love?
Me: shilo me dusty and that molly chick..
Him: +Zel + another girl
Me: … another girl?
Him: it’s been months but yeh.
Me: oh….
Him: can’t remember her name
Me: woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooww!
Him: ?
Me: you don’t remember her name
Him: exactly. I’m great aren’t I?
Me: yeah -__-
Him: :(
-End of convo-