Assignment One

Hey! I am reviewing you’re work because I am a student in the Rockin’ Review Academy. I am by no means a perfect writer, so I hope that you take what I have to say only as helpful advice.

The things I like:
1. I loved the detail you added into your story. You painted the characters so that I could clearly picture them in my mind. The way you described Cooley was spot on to the way I would picture someone carrying around a sign announcing the end of the world.

2. The buildup of the story was also written very well. I like how the story flowed and arched so that the reader was waiting to see what happen at the end of the story. It drew the reader in and left them wanting more. I never fully knew what Cooley was up to until the end of the story when he tries to end the world.

3. The twist at the end was also something that I enjoyed very much. The way that you described the storm made me believe that Cooley’s message was coming true. I was delightfully shocked to discover that he almost manages to end the world every year. I thought that having your piece end this way was a playful thing to do. It takes an overall serious subject, the end of the world, and puts an almost lighthearted twist on it.

Things that could use some work:
1. Although I enjoyed the overall reading experience of your piece, I found that sometimes your sentences were too complex or too choppy to allow the piece to flow smoothly. I suggest that some of the more complex sentence be broken down while the shorter sentences compounded together. That way the reader want have to pause at the dramatic change in sentence length.

2. There are also some simple grammatical pieces that you have overlooked. I would suggest rereading your piece and trying to catch any places you might need to add or remove a comma. Some sentence such as “There had been increasing doubt about that, as October came and the days passed without Cooley appearing” would flow better and make more sense if you removed the comma.

3. Some of your sentences are hard to understand when you first read through them. I suggest that you try to stick with simpler sentences instead of stringing all of your ideas together with commas. That way the reader gets a clear picture of what you are trying to describe. For example, “An annual event: every year since anyone could recall, every October, a different day each year, Cooley came to Setonsville with his message” would be better to understand if you reworded it to take out some of the punctuation.

Overall I think your piece was well written. I like the plot and the buildup of the characters. With a little polishing on the grammar and sentence structure, I think this piece would be a great piece for anyone to read.

Shine on,
Aerona

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