Deep Inside Me

I shudder to think what would have happened
if he had come to know how I am what I am.
I can't recall another such moment
when I had gotten into such a jam.

I'm glad I stopped myself just then
to prevent him from seeing the darker me.
I can't bear to be separated from him when,
I have just got him back recently.

Call me selfish! Call me unkind...
But I'm just trying to protect my brother.
I know I'm being deceitful. I know it's not right.
But I wont sacrifice him for my mistake,never!

I just wish that I could delete the days,
before I had become what I have become.
Because those were the real misgivings,the real mess
through which I, in a new way, was reborn.

I'm trying to make amends for the mistakes I made
but I doubt I'll ever truly make up for it.
Because, even I haven't forgiven myself yet
so, how can God forgive my misdeed?

One imperfect memory still haunts me.
It is of that ghastly day when I had lost my brother...
Tears still well up in my eyes which are already misty.
I had thought I had lost him forever.

For years I'm trying to forget my past,
trying to forget everything, all of it!
I intend to make those mistakes as my last.
I'm almost confident that I wont fall back and repeat.

As if in reward to my new life,
God gave my brother back to me!
At first I couldn't believe my eyes,
when he came and said "sister, say its really you,please?"

Since that day I've made a vow
to always protect him from now on.
And from this vow I shall not bow,
because the earlier me is truly gone!

Now,I have in life no regrets.
None at all...except..maybe,
those dark dark little secrets
that I've kept locked deep inside me.