It's OK, I Think you're Weird Too

I have Asperger's Syndrome (AS). There, I said it. I am different. I have always felt different, never fit in with the other kids when I was growing up - or as an adult for that matter. In truth, as a kid I always felt like the foot of the ugly stepsister in the Cinderella story, the macabre version where she cut off pieces of her foot in order to make the glass slipper fit. It never did fit, though and no matter how much I tried to cut off the AS parts of me, I never quite fit into society, never was really accepted by my peers.



All my life people have called me strange, peculiar (a favorite word of mine - I like the way it sounds), eccentric (hard for me to say - something to do with the way my AS brain is wired, my mouth can't make certain words sound right) and, of course, the good ole "weird." I was the weird, smart girl with no friends who read every book in the library - EVERY BOOK.



I grew up mostly alone. I had two people who I guess were friends; we still talk occasionally. One only talks to me when she needs something though. My husband says that isn't really a friend.



Oh! My husband is my friend, my best friend. He helps me navigate this scary, confusing world. See, my AS makes it very difficult for me to interact or relate to people. I get understand "nonverbal cues" (even though it sounds fascinating that someone can say something just by looking at someone in a certain way) and I don't really understand the rules of communication. I have learned a lot of technical aspects of interpersonal relations; I took courses in college, but after talking to me for a while people figure out that I am different.



Talking to people is hard, stressful. I don't know when to start talking, when to stop talking or what to talk about. I can not do "small talk" at all. I do have a special interest (most people with Asperger's do), biology/neurology, but I try to limit how much I talk about it because my husband says not everyone is as interested in it as I am.



The people I work with sort of understand me. Sometimes when I am explaining something they will stop me and say, "You lost me," or "You are way over my head." I think those are silly terms because I can't lose them if they are right in front of me and I can be over their head usually because I am six feet tall, much taller than most of the people at work, but not WAY over their head. My husband explained, though, that it means they don't understand me.



I understand that very well because I don't understand them a lot of times either.



Asperger's to me is like being set down in a foreign country without knowing the language or understanding the culture, yet my very survival depends upon that knowledge.



The world is a scary place for me, very noisy and unorganized. My world, though, is quiet and calm and very structured, very organized. My husband understands and he helps me a lot. He always makes sure that my seat at church is vacant for me (change is very difficult - I have to sit in the same spot every time I am there) and he is very patient with my many questions, even the repetitive ones.



Best of all, he tells me that I am not defective or a misfit. He says that I am special, unique and that I have a purpose. He says that God made me and made me this way for a reason and that one day He will use me for something great.



I like thinking about that even though it doesn't make the intolerance of others go away. I have had people who work with me tell my boss that I can't do my job because of my AS. They were very wrong because it is my AS that makes me so good in my job. I am one of the top producers at work. I am an analyst for the government which is perfect for me, for my AS.



But people are afraid of what they don't understand. Sometimes I think that ignorance is ever worse than cancer.