Hating Teddy Bears

          Polls show teddy bear popularity holding steady in a ridiculous 100% straightline. Revision is required, for certain facts have surfaced. Our research team has reversed course 360 degrees and now openly admit that we hate teddy bears. Not with passion, but with standard teddy bear hate.

          Forget their adorable exterior, teddy bears are the leading source of trouble in the world today. Teddy bear insides leach into the water, air and soil and are slowly destroying the planet earth.

          Taiwanese teddy bears from the dollar store stuffed with old newspapers the cause of countless infernos. Ukranian teddy bears arriving in the port of San Diego stuffed with free range fiberglass. Good children and innocent girlfriends stricken down with nasty methopelioma. Missouri gun store offering agate filled teddy with each new Winchester. Dual weaponry for the bargain hunter. Teddy bear stictched in Singapore propped up neatly at Macy's, a proper yank on a wayward thread spewing toxic fluff at the ventilation systems discretion. Mailman unknowingly delivering ricin laden Vermont Teddy Bear in the nick of time for the holiday.

          Teddy bears have displaced unicorns as public enemy number one. Unicorns can only impaled you. Teddy bears have unlimited means. Every teddy bear we disected had a little Chuckie in them. Cheating teddy bears, lying teddy bears, incest teddy bears.Charles Manson teddy bear with swastica scrawled in its forehead stuffed with eldely prison food. Apathetic teddy bears and apoplectic teddy bears fused in a chilly emotionless rage.

          Decent hate comes in threes. And beyond our rightwous hate for teddy bears and unicorns we now hold a decent contempt for rainbows. Rainbows ruin everything. The storm has passed and a rainbow arcs over your decimated city. So fleeting. The next rainbow signifying your city has been descimated yet again. You cannot walk on false hope for the rainbow is not real. It is only in your eyes. Vanquish rainbows and join us in our rainbow hate. Rainbows are terrible!

          Listen, we are not haters. We are scientists who preach a doctrine of love. Next time you think a teddy bear may score you some brownie points, please consider a teddy monkey. We love teddy monkeys! They are stuffed with 100% pure cotton. Besides half the fun of a stuffed animal is a long tail. And teddy monkeys look natural hanging from the curtain rod.