Homesick

Cedric woke abruptly from a deep sleep. It took him a moment before he understood why. Something felt wrong – he noticed the empty spot next to him on the bed. But that hadn’t been what had woken him up. He took a moment, allowing his senses to take in their surroundings. That’s when he heard it. There was a soft sniffling sound coming from the next room. The noise was barely audible, but it carried with it a cold sadness that seemed to occupy the once breathable air. He held his breath for a moment, afraid to allow the horrible thing into his body.

The sniffling stopped as suddenly as it had started and Cedric thought that perhaps he had simply imagined it. Perhaps it had been nothing more than a dream. And yet, the sadness lingered. He could feel it in every breath he took. He was afraid of what he would find if he got up and followed it to its source. He wanted nothing more than to stay in bed and to return to a dreamless sleep.

The room was dark, for a moment Cedric thought he had simply been imagining the noise. Then he saw her. A flash of embarrassment at his unclothed state made him hastily pull on the underwear he had unconsciously taken with him. He stood tall with his thin and awkward limbs, moved clumsily but made no sound. He hadn’t taken his eyes away from the scene that lay in front of him. He couldn’t have if he had wanted to.

Sitting there in an oversized, stained t-shirt, her eyes desperately red, her straightened hair ready to fall out at the slightest tug, Cassandra had never looked less flattering in her life. Cedric was not unaware of this fact, but it did not stop his stomach from tightening at the sight of her. There was a contradiction of emotions floating round inside of him – love and joy, fear and distaste. But surrounding them all was a penetration depression, the sinking feeling of a wrong that cannot be righted. And yet, there, on her full lips, was her ever present smile. Cedric felt a shudder run over his thin body. He had never been able to tell if that smile was happy or cynical.

For a moment Cedric simply stood there, staring, wondering if he should make his presence known. Just then Cassandra turned towards him. No flash of surprise changed her expression, nor did she attempt to mask her tear stained face. It was as though she had been waiting for him like this all night. Cedric appreciated the brutal honesty with which she gazed at him. There was no pretending with Cassandra, you received nothing more or less than what she could offer. When Cedric had first gotten to know her, this attitude had surprised him, one so used to the romantic notions of love. It wasn’t long, however, before he realized how much more straight forwardness was worth. But though he appreciated the truth, tonight he wanted nothing more than for Cassandra to wipe her tears away and to go back to bed.

“I’m sorry if I woke you.”

The formality of the apology caught Cedric by surprise. It wasn’t like her to speak in such a manner – it wasn’t like her to apologize. Cedric ran his hand through his school boy haircut and said nothing. Perhaps he had been hoping that there was still a chance she would leave the rest of her words for the morning. Cassandra didn’t make a move to get up, nor to say anything else.

“You didn’t.”

It was a lie. He knew it and she knew it, but neither of them felt the need to state this knowledge aloud.

A silence took over after his words, but Cedric felt as though it was but another lie. How could silence exist in a room so full of emotions, so full of thoughts and desires? He wanted it to end – the silence, the lie, he wasn’t sure which. He wanted a soft sigh or a low creak of the floorboards to put it in its place. He didn’t care how it came about, he just wanted it to stop.

“You did wake me.”

“I know. I want to go home.”

“I know.”

Cedric had said the words without thinking and it wasn’t until they had passed his lips that he realized they were true. He knew she wanted to go home – had known for a while now, he had just been too afraid to admit it to himself. Perhaps she had been too – until tonight.

“I’ll go with you.”

“You can’t.”

She was right, of course. He had asked out of a need to try, a need to let her know he would leave for her without a seconds hesitation. But, of course, perhaps he would have hesitated if he hadn’t known what the answer would be beforehand. The fact was his life was here and her life was there. They could pretend all they wanted, and they had for quite a while, but it wouldn’t change a thing. She should have never packed her life away and shipped it over the ocean for him. He should have never let her.

“I still love you.”

“I know.”

“We just can’t be each other’s everything.”

“I know.”

And then she was gone. Her body remained where it had been the entire time but Cassandra was no longer there. Her smile had disappeared.