I'm in the pursuit of.........what?

i have decided that my never ending pursuit of all of the world’s knowledge will inevitably lead to my demise.

tonight started out like any other time in which i receive a spendable sum of money; i immediately feel the impulse to spend, spend, spend. on what, you may ask? books, of course! because as is the running theme of my life, i like to spend money on things that i rarely fully complete or use to their full potential (the large collection of unfinished books and video games in my bedroom can attest to this).

10:28 PM: roughly 15 minutes have passed since i set down one of the books i purchased earlier in the evening. the book is titled eating the dinosaur, and it is by one of my favorite authors, chuck klosterman. the book is a collection of short essay’s klosterman has written about various concepts concerning pop culture. the essays are all written in an easy to read way, almost as if klosterman is talking to you; his writing style is something that i hope to emulate if i am ever to become a writer myself.

one of klosterman’s articles has gotten me thinking, mostly because i have, at least at most times, in my life considered myself an artist (of sorts). i have always believed that i enjoy writing lyrics and music, and even though i rarely bring myself to completing any of my musical endeavors (see books, videogames), i’ve always felt as though some divine force is pushing me to make a living through this artistic medium, like i was always meant to be a musician or writer or what have you, and that if i am to fail at making music that people enjoy, then i have failed at life. this may seem very melodramatic, and believe me when i say that i fully realize that it IS melodramatic, but for whatever reason i have always had some gut-feeling that music and i are meant to be…….but i have gotten a little of track here.

the focus of klosterman’s article was nirvana, but more importantly, kurt cobain. klosterman explores the way that the public and media scrutinized nirvana’s music, specifically their album in utero, and how this scrutiny led to the band’s downfall and cobain’s suicide. klosterman’s idea that mainstream public success can have such an overbearing effect on the way that an artist views their work, and ultimately him or herself, has left me with overwhelming writer’s block, not to mention a tinge of depression.

everybody wants to be liked, right? from a musician’s standpoint, its optimal to be able to come up with completely new, original, even revolutionary material that everyone will love and review for years to come. that’s the dream, the goal…..and it’s, for the most part, practically unattainable in modern society. sure there are plenty of modern musicians that have pushed some boundaries, or at least seem original in some way or another (lady gaga, animal collective, mgmt, etc.). but who’s to say that these same artists have the staying power to stay relevant in the near, not to mention distant, future? and where, in creating music, do you draw the line between being completely abstract and burrowing ideas from past artists?

if an artist decides that he or she wants to be unique and new, the abstract quality of the music needs to meet an audience; being too odd and out there could lead to total failure and humiliation if the artist isn’t careful. a majority of artists today take core elements of music that have been successful in the past, and built off of this in their own way. this approach definitely has the potential to lead to equal amounts of success for new artists; bands like the white stripes and the black keys have found ways to put their own spin on simple blues progressions to make something new. unfortunately, this approach seems to result in the over saturation of a certain sound in some forms of music, as can be seen in modern hip hop. auto tune has lead to almost every song coming from today’s top artists sounding exactly the same.

if you’ve stayed with me here, you can see that i spend a lot of time in my own head. the reclusive way in which i spend most of my time leads to much more self-deprivation than i’m sure is healthy, but what artist isn’t tortured in some way or another. unfortunately for me, and the poor fans that i could/should be reaching out to and unifying with award-winning works of genius, i often times just end up staring into the checkered pattern wallpaper on my bedroom walls, trying to find the words to say to make my ideas seem…..relevant to anything, really.