Motherhood isn't all roses...

Motherhood isn’t all roses…

Here I sit once again, wondering what just happened. Its 11:00, at night, the kids are in bed, the dinner dishes are done. The sound of the washing machine and dishwasher, cleaning up the last remnants of a hurried day, can be heard in the background. If you ever have been in a home with 3 children ranging in ages from 3 years to 12 years, you know the feeling. The feeling that you know you must have accomplished something because the house is still here, no one has visited the emergency room and all tummies are full, but you can’t remember any one specific event. It’s like the day starts before I wake up and continues at an ever increasing pace until, BOOM, it’s finally quiet.
Upon receiving news of my impending motherhood, 12 years ago, I was scared to death. How was I going to care for a newborn baby? Could I bath her? Feed her? How was I ever going to provide for her? I was a high school drop-out, thankfully as a condition of my probation in the 11 grade, I was ordered to obtain my GED. However, I had just worked odd jobs up until then and at 20 years old, had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. That’s when it started, the feeling of “I’m not worthy!” Not in the suicidal, I am nothing kind of way but in the “Holy Cow, am Ill prepared for motherhood!” kind of way.
This is where it starts for most of us moms. We realize we are in complete control over what happens from conception on and it scares the crap out of us. No matter how old you are or how many times you have babysat. Motherhood is a responsibility, the lay person cannot comprehend. From, the moment your Inducted into this little club, you are forever, ill prepared.
In fact, we have products of all sorts marketed to pregnant and new moms. “What to Expect, when you’re expecting”, “The girlfriends guide to pregnancy”, “Bonding with your baby” and much more. This is just a couple of the thousands of books devoted to teaching a new mom how to raise her baby. Believe me, I have read a few with 3 kids and I feel pretty well equipped to change a diaper at any moment. I can nurse a hungry baby without waking a soul in the house, I can pee on cue with an audience, and I can stay up for unimaginable amount of hours with the children of the exorcist after a night with the family flu. The millions of ways to calm a sleeping baby and I think I have mastered the baby thing.
However, there are no books that will ever prepare you for what you’re about to go through. No one tells you at the baby shower that this sweet little angel who coos at his mommas smile, will eventually turn into a person. A real person, one with its own personality, issues, likes and dislikes. That when your child forgets his homework every day this week, his teacher will think, “What kind of mother let’s their kid, not turn in his homework?” Or when you made an ill deal with your tween daughter, that she could dye her hair pink if she got straight A’s, and when she gets her first set of straight A’s EVER, people will think, “What kind of mother let’s her tween daughter have pink hair?” Well, that would be me!! Duped and feeling it.
This means that every bad thing that happens in your child’s life, you will ultimately feel responsible. When your 12 month old won’t utter a word or your 7 year old hates to read, you will blame yourself. When your child runs into the street before looking or gets a minus on their report card, you will blame yourself. When the neighbor is a predator and preys on your child, you will blame yourself, you will tell yourself, “I should have known.”
To say that I was ill prepared is a huge understatement. Motherhood is not for the faint of heart. Motherhood is not for those who cannot adapt. And motherhood is not for those who can’t take a hit and keep on going. No one ever tells you that as a mother you will have your heart broken more ways than you could ever have imagined. You will suffer the greatest loss ever when you have to let your kindergartner go to school. You will cuss yourself for not being a better parent after every school conference you have or bad word your child utters.
For every bad thing that your child does, you will blame yourself and connect each and every naughty thing they do with something you must have taught them. And you will screw them up in some way. You will not hug enough, or talk enough, you will not talk about sex soon enough or punish them hard enough. You will not be home enough, you will work to much or not enough and you will question every single decision you ever make in regards to your children.
There is a reason no one tells a new mom this or prints a book of a “100 reasons to not have children.” If everyone knew the heartache and turmoil that waking up in the puddle of pee that you’re 6 year old once again happily placed in the middle of your bed, no one would remember the 100 reasons why you should have children.
Nothing is as precious has when your 3 year old is starting to really talk and can clearly ask for his mommy. Nothing warms your heart more than when your tween daughter sports her pink hair and is proud of her accomplishment. Nothing is more rewarding than watching every night at 8:30 as they line up like little angels, kissing their mom goodnight. Each eager to tell me one last thing about their day, they hug long enough for their sister/brother to get impatient for their turn. Motherhood is the hardest job I have ever had and had I known that it was going to be this hard, I can honestly say, I don’t know what I would have done.
Motherhood, however ill prepared has brought me the highest of highs and taken me to the lowest of lows, but each little hug reminds me of why, no one tried to prepare me. I have not only managed to pry myself out of the “high school drop-out” phase and receive a worthy education but I have managed to secure the hearts of the 3 most beautiful creatures I have ever seen. Most of the time words cannot even explain the things that happen when you’re a mom but I you walk away with a little laughter and all the kids are still alive and they can at least work at McDonalds when they move out, I figure I am in pretty good shape!