One Summer Day

Zac sits numbly through the sermon, barely hearing the words the stranger was saying about his best mate.  The stranger being Reverend Cartwright who only knew Corey by name.  The information he was reciting was false, stories made up by adults who barely knew him in an effort to make themselves sound better.  Zac covered his face wanting to hit the pews in front of him but remembering his manners, kept the anger within. 

He watches as person after person, mostly strangers walk solemnly up to the open casket showing Corey resting peacefully.  Perhaps he was, Zac didn’t know.  He hadn’t been peaceful alive, maybe now he was at peace.  Did one suddenly gain peace when they died? Zac asked himself.  He wasn’t sure.  Hell, did anyone know?

All too soon the sermon was over, Corey’s mother had offered him the chance to say something about Corey, but how could he?  What words could you say to ease the guilt these people felt?  But then why should you ease their guilt?  It was their fault they hadn’t listened.  It was their fault he had died.  Yet, strangely, none of them saw that.  Oh they looked for reasons, they looked for someone to blame, but it never came back to them.

The pall-bearers started their slow walk down the aisle, people on both sides standing up, heads bowed respectfully, waiting for their turn to follow Corey’s body to its final resting place.  Zac glanced around, watching Corey’s mum follow the casket first.  She was on her own, her husband one of the pall-bearers.  She looked so grief-stricken.  Zac wanted to reach out to her, but he couldn’t, not with everything he knew.

The funeral procession made its way to the cemetery a short distance from the church, the open grave waiting with the green matting on the edges of the hole as though to make it more friendly.  How could a hole be friendly? Zac wondered without any reason.  He watched as the casket was laid on the straps to the machine that would finally lower Corey down into the ground.

Zac watched the casket, waiting for the lid to pop open and Corey to jump up and shout, ‘Surprise!  I was just messin’ with ya!’  Zac shook his head, it wasn’t going to happen any more than God and the Devil coming to stand next to him offering him their condolences.  He almost laughed aloud at the thought of the two standing next to him.  He bent his head to hide his smile.  Beside him, his mum looked at him disapprovingly.

Reverend Cartwright started the final speech as Corey’s casket began its descent into the ground.  Zac fought back an overwhelming urge to run and jump in after the casket.  How could he go on, the pain that he felt.  His chest so tight it hurt to breathe, he opened his mouth to get more air, and gulped a few times, tears flowing.  His mother stood beside him, motionless, wanting to hold him but not sure how. 

As the last person filed past the hole and threw in a flower, photo or other reminder of Corey, Reverend Cartwright said, ‘Ashes to ashes, dust to dust...’  Zac barely heard the words, as he fell to the ground in despair, his face hidden in his hands, his body shaking with his sobs.  His mum stood watching, uncomfortable in the presence of others.  The Reverend knelt beside Zac and placed a comforting arm around his shoulders.  Zac stayed down until the sobs subsided, grateful the Reverend had not spoken for no words could or would comfort him.

It was a hard decision to make.  The Reverend had not made it any easier with his constant prying, his persistent contact and his insistence that Zac should contact him if he needed to talk, even though it was now 6 months since Corey had been laid to rest.  ‘Damn the Reverend,’ Zac muttered to himself as he climbed out of bed.  It was a typical summer’s day in Adelaide.  Dry heat, 30 degrees heading towards 38 and it was only 8:00 am.  His decision was made, heat or no heat, today was the day, and his friends were expecting him at the beach.

Zac parked his car and got out.  This was for Corey.  If he made this, then Corey’s death would not have been in vain.  How hard was it to make people see that it was their fault.  They were the ones who hadn’t listened, hadn’t seen what he’d seen and even ‘shooed’ him away like a pesky fly.  Both he and Corey had tried to tell them, but no-one listened, they were two friends on the outside looking in and no-one looking out.

Spotting the rock he wanted in the distance, Zac made his way along the path through the sand dunes to the beach.  The sand already warm under his bare soles.  Corey and Zac had made their way along this path throughout their teenage years, joining in the beach parties, chasing bikini clad girls along the sands and dunking them in the water when caught.  The sounds of those past summers echoed in his mind, the ghosts still running along the beach.  A lone seagull called out as it flew overhead, it’s white body standing out against the deep blue of the sky.

All that was gone now and all that remained was memories.  Memories that could no longer be real, they were in the past and tied to ghosts that were now starting to fade.  One night had been all that was needed to split them up.  One night.  He would never have thought it.  The possibility of only one thing changing the course of time.  It had, and now it was all gone.  The hope, the love, the future, everything.  There was no more Corey, no more parties, no more bikini girls to chase, no friend to talk to.  Life was dull now.  Nothing made sense any more.  None of it was worth it.  It was just all gone.

Zac reached the cooler compact sands near the edge of the sea and watched as the foam from the waves kept rolling over his feet and back out to the sea again.  He reached the rock pool where he and Corey had watched the small crabs, starfish and other sea creatures go about their daily routine for hours.  Now, the pool was empty.  Like him, everything hidden below the surface, unable to come out.  Zac kept walking. 

As he neared the caves, he sat on the one he spotted earlier, flat and round, supported by other rocks underneath.  The sea gently lapped against the rocks, small sprays of water jumping on to the top, evaporating before they touched the rock.  Zac smiled at the memory of the times he and Corey used to sit on the rock playing chicken with the sea.  Zac laughed, how could anyone play chicken with the sea?  It had been fun though, dodging the waves trying not to let the foam touch their feet.

That was a long time ago.  Now the seagulls fly above him, their calls echoing through the stillness of the morning.  Zac stops and scans the horizon, listening... and silence.  He looks back at the rock expecting to see Corey sitting there waiting for him.  There is no-one.  Only the waves gently lapping on the rock.

Sitting cross legged, Zac stared out across the green/blue ocean, looking at the sea and horizon meeting, wondering if that’s why people used to think the world was flat.  Of course it doesn’t matter now, everyone knew the world was round.  And yet, what if it was still flat and all he had to do was walk off over the edge? 

After what seemed like hours, Zac heard his friends calling out to him.  He smiles as he walks over to join them.  This was their farewell, something only they could understand.  The adults never even tried.  For the rest of the day, Zac and his friends talked about Corey and his life.  They brought back memories that Zac had forgotten, that the friends had forgotten.  They wrote down memories and placed in a jar the things that reminded them of Corey.  When no more could be said they buried the jar deep in the sand and said their goodbyes.

Alone again and sitting on the rock, Zac watches the grey clouds roll in over the sky.  ‘Typical,’ he thinks, ‘just when you think it’s calm, along comes a storm.’  The waves begin to come in faster and more violently as the wind begins to pick up.  This is it.  This is the moment and there is no turning back.  Zac sits alone on the rock staring out to sea, feeling the wind blow around him, the cold spray from the waves giving him goose bumps.  His legs already turning blue, and the waves now pounding their rhythm out on the rock.

Zac lets his thoughts wander back to the past Winter months when the accident had happened.  ‘It wasn’t my fault,’ he whispers, there is no answer and only the sea listens with detached interest.  ‘I had only been driving, I wasn’t drinking, the other car swerved in front of me, what could I do?’ He pauses, ‘I couldn’t let Corey drive, he’d been drinking.’  The sea sends the waves higher.  Now they are almost on top of the rock.

“I lost my best mate, he didn’t deserve to die, well that’s what everyone says, but I did.  If Corey had been driving then I would be dead, not him.  My own mother looks at me and thinks I should be the one who’s dead.  She hates me, ever since Dad left her.  She reckons it’s my fault, and maybe it is.  I was never a model son, always playing up, never wanting to play football, cricket only volley ball and that is a sport for weakling’s.  I am a failure, my whole life and now no-one is even listening any more,” the boy shouts at the sea.  His words lost in the responding roar of the waves.

The sea’s waves are now falling just below his waist and the white foam hangs around like a white petticoat spreading itself to protect all below.  Zac doesn’t notice the cold water that is now around his waist.  He stands up and speaks again, ‘Sea, I cannot understand it, the other driver swerves and yet they blame me for my mates death.  Why?  How could I have avoided it?  I wasn’t speeding, just driving, having a good time, so why is it my fault?’

The sea is resting, calm, waiting.

The boy continues sadly, ‘There are whispers about me, about the accident, about every God damned thing that happened and I can’t take it any more!’  As if on cue, the sea rose in one big angry wave and as it fell back into the sea, Zac stepped off into the angry swirl.

Zac’s mother sat reading the note over and over as though trying to get more information.  She can’t understand it.  Zac had been doing so well.  He had been at his happiest the last week, she thought he was finally dealing with Corey’s death.  She re-reads the note in the vain hope it will tell her something more:

Dear Mum,
Maybe you’ll understand, and maybe you won’t.  I just can’t deal any more.
Life goes round
The world spins
I’m out of control
It’s going too fast
I’ve lost my mind
It’s blown to bits
I’ve crashed to the ground
And I’ve gone to hell
Been greeted by the Devil
Told I’m not bad enough
Heaven won’t accept me
I’m not good enough
So here I am in limbo
Never breaking free
This circle’s got me.
I’m sorry.
Zac.